Miniatures

Human Spirit, and the Imagination Flying Free
If the human spirit truly had wings, like a bird, it would need no passport, visa, and security check, and no expensive ticket to allow it free movement from place to place. And nor would it recognize a border of any kind unless that border were viewed simply as landmark – mountain, river, ocean. For a bird, untethered, and free, lifts its wings, and flies. Is it not so? My friend, please lift your own eyes, for a moment, to the sky. Look up at the sky, that’s all. And you will see.

© Bede Nix, 7 March 2018 (Revised on 18 May 2019). All rights reserved.

The Mind's Eye
When the mind’s eye dwells always in contemplation upon itself, great liquid body of sparkling light, reflecting cloud and mountain upon the still face of the waters, clear blue lake of heaven, and when mind’s thought dwells at once upon the surface, and in the depth, of time, then may heart and head, earth and sky, be understood, again, as one.

© Bede Nix, 14 December 2016. All rights reserved.

That's All
Losing oneself, a little, one self, in deep relaxation, as if, there, you are, no longer, one, or are you, there, even there, at all, as if, at times, sometimes, happening, something, sensing, something, one thing, one feeling, feeling, and picking up on, flowing into, sometimes, some lower, deeper, frequency, or vibration, hearing, as if, something, like, a low, humming, sound, always present, always there, and yet, so rarely, so very rarely, if ever, heard, perhaps, or never, heard, perhaps, or never ever, even, at all, perhaps, heard, and really heard, and really heard, and yet, yet still, it’s there, then, listening, and, let’s some one say, then, that one, not one, as only one, lonely one, and one, indeed, alone, just imagining, hearing, only hearing, the stillness, the silence, from where, that is, that, that, one, senses, only, observes, only, sees, only, plays, only, the energies, the deeper energies, the wave, the circle, the spiral, the flow, and there, then, trusting, all, and, trusting, all, is well, is, well, the magic, of the moment, for a moment, seeming, then, there, almost, to dance, here, and now, upon the air, where we are, who we are, and, here, there, to sparkle, in your eyes, your eyes’s reflection, and your eyes, that is, those eyes, that, are, that, that’s, seeing, then, here, there, forever, now, this vision, singular, in verse, in universe, such beauty. And so you breathe gently in, breathe gently out; open your heart, your arms, lift up your eyes, stand tall; and call it love; that’s all.

© Bede Nix, 16 September 2017. All rights reserved.

There Where The Sun
A bank of snow cloud can, as it drifts across the horizon, appear as something indescribably grey, or even black, and as something so heavy, weighty, threatening, portentous, that the sky bears the burden of it only with difficulty, and this the reason for it looking somehow so thick, ugly, and threatening, like fists closed in anger and frustration, spoiling for a fight, the energy taut, tight, weighed down, pushed down, compressed, oppressed, and waiting, drifting, drifting, waiting, as if waiting to be at last free from all this weight, and liberated.

(And all these flurrying thoughts, in my mind, are themselves like so much weight, and noise).

But then, once released, liberated, and grounded, how calming its quiet, soft, gentle whisper, and how reassuringly intimate, and warming, this smooth white blanket of snow.

And look there, then; do you see?

It’s so bright!

(There where the sun shines through).

© Bede Nix, 2017. All rights reserved.

Like My Breath, In Time
My spine feels strangely brittle; shivering thin beneath a flesh, inadequate.
And, long day tired, back stooped, shoulders hunched, head bowed, the eyes drop down, in looking, seeing, not, upon a ground, too hard, and unforgiving; but the feet, walking on, even so, as if from habit, only; left, then right, left, then right, then left, and so on, and so on, and so on; left, right, left …
And I watch, as if in trance, thinking: if this were a dance, with whom, then, these steps?
There’s no one.
And it’s as cold as death; spine-chilling, mortuary, cold.
Except, looking up, then, once more, and captured, as if by some scent of beauty, some instinct, animal, I see again, in a jerk, or twitch, of life, and fresh, bright, eyes, how beautiful she is, the moon, this night.
And the moon, this night, drawn over there, between the branches of the silver birch, glittering, like a diamond in my teary eye, on a night, so cold, so beautiful.
And the moonlight, frozen, like my breath, in time.
Don’t you see?

© Bede Nix, 27 February 2018. All rights reserved.

Communion
Whenever you need to, and whenever you can, try to keep your hands, and your heart, gently open, as if in prayer. And with your hands, and your heart, gently open, as if in prayer, may you never want for the food that will nourish you, the water that will quench your thirst, and the love, from open hands, and open hearts, that will hold you, always, infinitely dear.

© Bede Nix, Sunday, 8 April 2018. All rights reserved.

May Your Every Step, As If, In Prayer
May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be peace.
May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be peace.
May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be peace.

May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be peace.
May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be peace.
May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be peace.

May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be love, be peace.
May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be love, be peace.
May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be love, be peace.

May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be peace.
May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this loving heart, be peace.
May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this peaceful heart, be love.

May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be peace.
May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be peace.
May your every step, may your every breath, may your every thought, this beating heart, be peace.

As if, in prayer.

© Bede Nix, 14 April 2018. All rights reserved.

All Yours
You, and me; mine, and yours.
What is you, is not me; what is mine, is not yours.
What is yours, is not mine; what is me, is not you.
What then is you, if not me? And what then is mine, if not yours?
What then is yours, if not mine? What then is me, if not you?
What, in other words, is mine, and what is yours?
What is yours, and what is mine?
What’s mine, what’s yours?
What’s yours, what’s mine?
Mine, yours.
Yours, mine.
What?
What.
What.
What?
That, then, one supposes.
Does one?
That, that.
That is.
What?
What.
What.
What?
What that, then?
And who, you?
And that, am I?
Am I?
That.
Who?
And who, if not you?
And who you, if not me?
And who she, if not he?
And who he, if not she?
And if not me, then, not you.
And if not you, then, not me.
Not me, not you; not you, not me.
And if not me, not you; and if not you, not me.
Not me, not you; not you, not me.
And if not me, not mine; and if not you, not yours.
Not me, not mine; not you, not yours.
And if not yours, and not mine; and not me, and not you.
Then who?
And whose?
Who knows?
And if not me, not you; or if not you, not me.
And if not yours, not mine; and if not mine, not yours.
Not mine, not yours; not you, not me.
You. Me. Me. You.
Me, mine; you, yours.
Me, you; yours, mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
My love.
All yours.

© Bede Nix, Monday, 16 April 2018. All rights reserved.

Going With The Flow
We can relax now, I think; relax, release, let go, go with the flow, open up, and share, as if simply riding, surfing, upon the wave of appearance.
And that’s good, for when we don’t relax, release, let go, go with the flow, open up, and share, as if simply riding, surfing, upon the wave of appearance, this our source of inspiration, this our stream of consciousness, this great flow of creative thought, and rich emotion, and vital energy, in mind, in heart, well, in heart, in mind, all our vital energy, all our rich emotion, all our creative thought, our consciousness, our inspiration, this whole expression of this, our appearance, our appearance of being, our being, as flow, as stream, as source, will simply fail to fulfil the fullness of its potential, its creativity and inspiration, its fullest and most beautiful expression, and then that appearance, that appearance of being, that being, flow, stream, source, energy, not shared, but shut away, shut off, shut down, closed up, locked in, held back, taut, in tension, tight, slows down, grows thick, as if coagulating, and becomes then painful, so painful, and diseased, and draws upon and drains us of energy, so much energy, and our potential, our creativity, our inspiration, our expression, all blocked, and all the energy of movement, in emotion, and the source, the stream, the flow, as if frozen, and the spirit, broken, and dying, but a shadow of both its future could have been and its former self.
So it’s good now that we can relax, release, let go, go with the flow, open up, and share, as if simply riding, surfing, upon the wave of appearance.
And it’s good that we can breathe freely, and fully, in the light, and be illuminated.
And it’s good that we can relax now, I think; that’s really good.
Now off we go.

© Bede Nix, Monday, 16 April 2018. All rights reserved.

Crane Dance
Snow falling gently quietens the night’s mind, even as one’s night time body, frozen brittle as frosted bamboo, stands transfixed, eyes staring up, squinting, in disbelief. / There is subtle movement, even so; a pulse, a twitch, a blink. / The quietness clears a space for an anxiety of thought, as yet unsounded, as if perhaps the thought itself, or else the mind, or perhaps the instrument, the body’s flute, were as yet too immature, and inflexible, and unbending, to free itself of such a density of thought; the instrument, in short, unplayed, perhaps unplayable. / And the silence then not so much that of the unsaid, as that of the unexpressed because inexpressible. / And the lonely breath at a loss, that’s clear; there’s something lacking, as if something of the divine were absent, missing; and missing, some element. / Or perhaps what’s missing is only the heat of a fire, the glow of a hearth, a roof, a home, and some warmth of human company, some shared humanity. / Yet, shivering, alone, in this cold night, one recalls, even so, a distant sound, of bamboo, flute, of shakuhachi, and floats up to the stars upon that sound, as one adrift, upon a sea, upon a sea, of tranquility; and an end to, perhaps a freedom, from longing. / My mind turns. / And I see then a pair of cranes, coupled, in dance. / I watch them for a while; admiring, yes, but also troubled by them, and by my lack of understanding; my tragic human argument with nature; peering as if through a glass, darkly; and staring out, feeling numb, somewhat dumb. / And then I turn away my thoughts, at last, walk on. / And these thoughts are little more than nothing, in any case. / I trace them in lines across a page, like shallow footprints into melting memory. / Dance soon over. / Dance eternal. / Love does not go on. / Love goes on. / Only time will tell. / How to tell. / Only time, again, alone. / Be still. / My heart.

© Bede Nix, 14 February 2018. All rights reserved.

So To Speak
It’s most certainly not an habitual attitude, for me, or in any way typical, but still I confess that, sometimes, when tired, tense, and bad-tempered, I would wish everyone to go straight to heaven, so to speak, so that I myself could go alone to some quiet corner in hell – if such exists – and enjoy there some little peace, perhaps, in the bitter-sweet solitude of my private torments, and the modest pockets, in my heart, of bewilderment, and melancholy, and sadness, and suffering, all moods, and emotions, that are somehow so intimate, so comfortingly familiar to me that, while it may indeed not be paradise, this hell, it could at least feel a little, if ever so little, like home. So, please, I thank you; I thank you for your visit, and for your interest, and for your conversation; now leave me well alone, and go at once to heaven!

© Bede Nix, September 2017. All rights reserved.

Mountains of the Mind
Under pressure from the land’s embrace, and joined, as if, like hands, in prayer, our earth’s mountains point upwards, reach upwards, towards the sky; and there, across vast expanses of forgotten time, they come sometimes to grow impossibly tall, dwelling proudly, in the heavens, like gods.

And, the higher these mountains reach up into the sky, the greater the downward drop, below, of their shadows, into valleys, and lowlands, falling.

And, these mountains, and these valleys, these highlands, and these lowlands, feature time’s contours, and creases, which describe our landscape, in drawing, tracing, outlining, there, upon it, lines, so many lines, like timelines, to human eyes, upon the face, not of human history, exactly, but of something much greater, such as time’s own story.

And, part-blinded by the present’s fleeting moment, it may seem to us, at times, as if we were living again in an age of easy opinions and unthinking judgements, where we encounter but too little, in our daily lives, of the most basic human kindness, and consideration, and pity, and forgiveness, and compassion, and humanity;  and where sometimes we encounter, instead, and too often, much misunderstanding, and mistrust, and anxiety, and fear, and frustration, and anger, and hatred, and violence; and as if we were living again in times, that is, of prejudice, and intolerance, and disputed identity, and persecution, and exclusion; and in times, that is, of indignity, and ignorance, and despondency, and darkness, and despair; and in times, that is, of barbed wire, and bullets, and bombs; and in times, that is, of conflict, and terror, and tragedy, and war.

And, in times, like these, these same mountains, and valleys, symbols at once of unity, and division, despair, and hope, may promise some protection, some safety, some security, as in a refuge, or a simple mountain cave; secret pockets of warmth, and comfort, which promise perhaps a home to homeless human hearts, and spirits.

And, these mountains, sometimes, often, offer also a point of far seeing vantage, and observation, where distances may begin to seem relative, entirely relative, and where all separation, and division, may likewise seem suddenly so small, and so petty, and so inconsequential, and so unimportant, and where suddenly the eye may be fixated not on difference, but be relaxed, rather, and fully opened, into the very fullest human vision, and like an open hand, and heart, of thought.

And, in this way, our landscapes may offer us sometimes a larger perspective.

And, sometimes, such an enlarged perspective may be of vital importance, as if a matter of human life, or human death.

And, imagining, for a moment, these mountains, of the mind, I find myself wondering, who among us can perceive the precise moment that separates human death, from human life, or the invisible, from the visible?

For, in observing these mountains, of the mind, the passage, from night, to day, may seem but as the dawn’s sweet unveiling of her face, in beauty; and the passage, from day, to night, but a lover’s soft, and gentle, caress.

Sleep easily, then, dear friend; and, in life’s fullest beauty, awake, as well.

© Bede Nix, Among the Cedars of Mount Lebanon, and in a Search for Understanding, 21-29 April 2018. All rights reserved.

In Search of Light
In search of light …

In search of light, I stood at the edge.

In search of light, I stood at the very edge.

In search of light, I stood at the very, very edge, and looked up, straining my eyes.

In search of light, I stood at the very edge, of the very highest clifftop, in those parts, and looked up, and looked up, and looked up, straining my eyes, seemingly to no avail.

In search of light.

For there were many times, and so many times, and so very many times, that the loneliness felt vast, and boundless, seemingly, like an ocean. And at those times the tiniest spark, or light, of creative impulse, divine, in each, and every, slightest, opening, and relaxing, of human hand, as if in wave, of heart, or crease, of cheek, or slightly parted crest, of teeth, white, smile, or fleeting moment’s fleetingly warm, kind eye, or gentle, forgiving, gaze, or tender touch, as if in love, defeated me, at once, in my loneliness, my profound loneliness, my lonely I … and in this way how surprised then I was … to be again surprised … yes, surprised … one more time … one last time … by these sudden, and unhoped for, promises, of freedom … and this giving rise each time to a feeling … these sudden, unhoped for, promises, of freedom … and a feeling that then would draw me back, again, and at once, into a seeming promise, rather, of a freedom, joyful, in life, itself, and a dream, remaining somehow alive, of a still tremendous future, and happiness, and a tremendous future, and happiness, and a tremendous future happiness, in living, life, in love, in living love, somehow, and this feeling, in fact, as if, living, again, in this life, as if, again, I were falling, in love, and living love, again, a little, and then again, and again, still more, and all over, and all over, and all over again, one last time, one more time, one more last time, with this person, beauty, passing, or that person, beauty, passing, this one here, then, or that one there, then, when, in truth, beauty, all are passing me, and all have passed me, without seeing, without noticing, beauty, passing me by, passed me by, completely by, unnoticed, and alone, and remaining, so I remained, my lonely I, in this, then, quiet, and still, my loneliness, my ever deeper loneliness, my profound loneliness, like seeming destiny.

And it strikes me now, somehow, that this too, too, pitiable, surrendered, defenceless, state, was a little like that of a man, perhaps, a little, little, like a man, too lonely, and only, convinced, fully, of his condemnation, and condemned, fully, by that conviction, that freedom, that freedom from his lonely solitude, and that freedom from his solitude’s lonely anguish, and anguished mind, would come, at last, only, in death, finally, and that, until such liberation, one were evermore condemned to live life like a prisoner, chained, in solitary confinement, and this his life sentence.

In search of light.

And so, in search of light, I thought again to take myself out, and to take myself off, then, on one more, if last, and final, journey.

And so, in search, then, of light, I stood at the very edge, of the very highest clifftop, in those parts, and looked up, and looked up, and looked up, straining my eyes, seemingly to no avail. And my eyes, then, soon tiring, I bowed, again, my head, my neck, and looked, again, and looked again, down, and again down, and again down, from there, to the sheer drop, dropping down, to the dark, roaring, sea, churning away, below. And from the sea’s depths, its very depths, the eye of the storm seemed to stare then straight back at me, unblinking, like a face, without a face, and, faceless, face, of the faceless, collective, all, in great bursts, of gnashing, biting, rawness, and bitter cold, and in flashing, sharp, teeth, white, of spray, and howling, wailing winds, and roaring gale, of gaping, open, mouth, crying out, in an ocean, seemingly, of meaning, that’s meaningless, no meaning, and meaningless, at least, to me, and so this whole vision, this whole life, were as if emptied, drained, drained, and emptied, totally, finally, of meaning, meaning, in my eyes, in this eye, of the storm, such that utterly dark, and incomprehensible, all below, and around me, it was, and as if all this were giving, in me, a twisted birth, to both a dizzying, sickening, nausea, and a feeling of profound and unredeemed, and unredeemable, emptiness. And something terrible.

And yet, at the same time, this mind’s descent seemed so devilishly inviting, that the risk, rather high, was also that one might, and might so easily, and all too easily, and willingly, offer oneself, or lose oneself, to, or in, that drop, such that, thinking to offer oneself to, or to lose oneself, in, that drop, for a little too long, just a moment, too long, it would come to pass, and one would dissolve, then, or be dissolved, and melt away, abruptly, eyelids closing, into a feverish, nightmare, dream, like some damnable, demonic, delirium, and an eternal night, of one’s, forever, extinguished, soul.

In search of light.

In search, then, of light, and lighter spirits, and to try to calm this terrible anxiety, and foreboding, this terrible feeling of fear, and trembling, this toxic taste of terror, I stood, still, at the very edge and, as if from instinct, pure animal instinct, I looked again up, straining my eyes.

And in search, then, of light, and lighter spirits, and to try to calm this terrible anxiety, and foreboding, this terrible feeling of fear, and trembling, this toxic taste of terror, I stood, still, at the very edge, and looked again up, straining my eyes, but I could not even recognize the sky, so dark was it, and brooding, and menacing, and mean, and ugly, and so very dense, and thick, with closed down, smothering, suffocating, thought, clouded tightly together in armies of angry thunderheads, clenched up, too tightly, as so many fists, fighting, taut, in tension, and the whole world but a raging storm; and there was no light to be seen here anywhere, or precious little.

And still I searched.
And still I searched.
And still I searched.

In search of light.

And still, at my back, some wild, unruly, instinct, nudged, poked, and pushed me on, such that – 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 – don’t look up! – don’t look down! – don’t think! – don’t hesitate! – in my absolute desperation, I stepped out, into my only remaining belief, my last hope, and refuge, which was my faith, finally, in the sky, in the sky itself.

And there, then, suddenly, in the sky, and as in the most extraordinary, and beautiful, dream, or under sway of some great magic in the human imagination, divine, or as if opening fully, at last, the mind’s eye, my spirits, taking wing, soared suddenly upwards, and flew.

For here, suddenly, she was, and is, to be seen, and to be fully seen, and to be truly seen, and to be truly and fully seen, at last, the sky.

(And, if only you knew, already now, that which, soon, you’ll surely come, to know, that what a feeling of freedom, this was, immense. And what a joy.)

And then, as in a vision, of a solitary, migrating bird, thinking, unthinking, that’s but an occasional glint, or fleeting, flaming, flickering, of light, silhouetted, in the eye, of the sky, and ray, of sun, and that flies on, alone, and entirely alone, across such vast distances, in space, and in time, one may ask, and asks, then, who might think, or who could think, or who might have thought, or who could have thought, that these long, hard, and seemingly never ending migrations, of mind, body, and spirit, and so many adventures, and travels, and so many flights of the imagination, and so many journeys, and across so many days, and nights, and in so many ecstasies, and agonies, and in so much pleasure, and so much pain, might yet one day still lead to such a magnificently clear blue sky, as this, and to this somehow delicate, gentle, forgiving, feeling, whispering, that all the long, great memory of former solitude, and loneliness, were itself, then, but an early morning’s mist, an ocean spray, soon passing, across the joyful, teary, eye, of a new day’s watery wonderment, and the mind, divine, bursting suddenly, into a great light, dazzling, like the sun.

And what light!
And what light!
And what light!

Look up, then, in search of light, in mind’s reflection.

As if we too were only that, ocean breath, and clear blue sky.

And how nice to bathe, then, my heart, if but for a moment, in bliss.

© Bede Nix, 18 May 2018. All rights reserved.

Tree of Life
I look up, but cannot see the top.
How many branches has this great tree, of life, still to climb, perhaps, towering upwards, in this day’s glorious sunlight, towards the sky.
I look up, unseeing, into the sun’s gilded, dazzling, eyes, and still I cannot see the top.
One arm reaches up, even so – and then the other follows; two branches more, at least.
Go on.

© Bede Nix, 21 May 2018. All rights reserved.

A Moment's Reflection
If I have any ability at all, which often I doubt, and let alone talent, for goodness’ sake – at once not much, and all I could possibly hope to do – it’s perhaps an ability, extraordinarily modest, as if nothing at all, simply to catch, and to reflect back, a little, if ever so little, of the brillance of that light that, by some great good fortune, I see, all around me, reflected, upon my eye, in all its beauty, magnificent.

© Bede Nix, 21 May 2018. All rights reserved.

Journeys of the Mind
All our journeys begin as journeys of the mind.

We travel, through our mind’s eye, upon trains of thought.

Or is it that our mind’s eye floats, rather, as upon a flying magic carpet, above a sea of story that’s always there, in potential, and simply waiting, patiently, to be told?

John Berger reminds us that our most important labour may be a labour of the imagination.

Take your time, then, and think it through.

© Bede Nix, 21 May 2018. All rights reserved.

Make It So
(Make It So)

It’s now time.

And now, in time, again, I have become thought’s trembling, vibrant, word, and, in word, again, thinking, time, I thought, and thought to reach out to, and realize, you, in sound, unspoken, that, unspoken, speaking, speaks to you, and unspoken, speaking, speaks you, as if this I, this, I, in my expression, in imagination, expanded, were also this you, this, you, in your expression, in imagination, expanded, and the both of us but then a shared reflection, now, caught out, timeless, in time, and moving, unmoving, like a twinkle of time’s starlight within a mind’s eternal moment, speed, of, sound, sounds space, and held there, sound, in space, as if, for always, and forever, spoken, unspoken, and quiet, and still, in that great beauty, adoring, of one mind’s eye, and singular gaze, unblinking, being, you’re, your, you’re, you, you’re, your, you’re, I, in thought, thinking, time, and time, and time, now, time, and again.

And so here I am : and here you are.

And here you are : and here I am.

We.

A meeting, or perhaps, more profoundly, or accurately, quite simply, a making, or manifestation, a testing, or trying out, a texturing, and texting, a fabrication, or feeling, drawn out, taut, in string, or line, of threaded, woven, thought, sounded, plucked, and played, and fleshed out, embodied, ennobled, enrobed, from a single, seeded, splendid, beautiful, minding, mind, mind’s, mind, minding, mindful, imaginings, immense, and simply sublime, divine.

Perfect, like a diamond, mind.

And now I.

Now you.

Now we.

And now, as you read these words –you, we, I– you bring them back to life, as living thought, again, once more.

Do you see?

And, as you see, and you are, and you are, you are, reading, these words, these thoughts, clearly you are, you are, you, too –if supposing, that is, that your intelligence is natural, not artificial, as indeed, one supposes– and you are, you, also, are, like these thoughts, like these words, coming alive, and living, again, then, now.

And these words come alive, in you.

And you come alive, in these words.

And, as you, you are, you are reading these words, these thoughts, and bringing them again to life, as living thoughts, sustained, for a moment, held, within your mind, you intuit, perhaps consciously, perhaps unconsciously, that, your, mind, too, is being sustained, for a moment, held, in living, thought, within, and within some, larger, thing, thinking, thinks, imagination, thought, and, as you breathe –breathe– breathe, in, and as you breathe –breathe– breathe, out, then, there, again, you are, in wave, upon wave, of inspiration, and exhalation.

And, in inspiration, clearly, there is you, thought.

And, in thought, clearly, there is you, desire.

And, in desire, clearly, there is you, and some sense of incompleteness, something missing, or lacking, something wanted, perhaps, or needed, perhaps, and perhaps to be sought out, still, and found, or simply remembered, and recalled.

And, in the silent sadness, or dissatisfaction, or loneliness, or melancholy, of that which misses, still, its completeness, in a state of longing, perhaps, or perhaps, nostalgia, one recognizes, or knows again, calls out for, or simply recalls, and finds, or re-finds, and refines, that basic, human, or sublimely divine, or basic, human, summons, stretch out, reach forth, grow, expand, explore, so as to come to know, that this, is, was, will, to be, be, to be, a new, departure, in a sense, as if, in search, and to embark, upon a quest and, as if, in seeing, to undertake, a voyage and, as if, in light’s eternity, to begin, a journey, now, in time.

And so, if you are reading, thinking, and not only reading, thinking, these words, but also reading, thinking, between the lines, that attempt, to contain, shape, channel, and direct, these words –yours, ours, mine– my congratulations, my dear friend, for you are not only alive, but you are also intelligent; you are an intelligent life form, so well done, and that’s superb, that’s excellent, and let’s go on.

And I ask you:

If now you are not only living, breathing, being, but also reading, thinking, mindful, mind, then, what, then, now, will, you do?

Let me say this.

(We. You. I.)

If you have a heart’s beating pulse, dance generously, and grandly, to its rhythm.

If you have a dream, dream it big.
If you have a vision, step into your vision, and realize it.
If you have a talent, express it.
If you have a voice, sing out with it.
If you have a vocation, follow it.
And if you have something to say, say it.

Now, at once.

For you are the perfect expression of yourself.

And if you can, you surely must.

Breathe in – inspiration, inhalation; exhalation – breathe out.

If you can, you surely must.
If you can, you surely must.
If you can, you surely must.

Breathe in – inspiration, inhalation; exhalation – breathe out.

And, if you can, you surely must.

Who, me?

Yes, you.
Yes, you.
Yes, you.

It’s time now.

Make it so.

© Bede Nix, 31 May 2018. All rights reserved.

Light In Eye
My eye opens wide, and yet, not nearly wide enough, for me, still, to see, and to remain, seeing, and to see, still, and to be still, still, absorbed, and to absorb, then, any, but, the very palest, reflection, of you, as through a mist, or spray, of water, falling, rainbow, fluid, in fountains, of light, of dazzling light, flowing, overflowing, as if, for, ever, it seems, in this, your beauty, magnificent, in time, such that, even when, looking across, to the far, horizon, I refresh, my sight, in visions, marvellous, of, for example, mountains, and valleys, forests, and fields, streams, and rivers, seas, and skies, it’s as if still I see nothing, see nothing, almost nothing, of you, still, to see, my beauty’s blinded eye.

And yet, everywhere I look, even then, somehow, I do see you, or at least, sense, or feel you, or perhaps it’s that I intuit you, recognize, and recall, you, or perhaps only that I imagine you, somehow, asking, what, then, might it mean, if even, only, in my thoughts, I can form, or formulate, of you, some idea, or some conception, and, in some sense, at least, begin, thereby, to find you.

And, how infinitely sweet, and intoxicating, this, the perfume, of your presence, and how infinitely gentle, and soothing, this, your touch, upon my skin, and how very warm, this, your whispering breath, within my seeking heart, forlorn, from lonely longing, help, to heal, and how infinitely tender, this, your eye’s adoring gaze, in my reflection, and how infinitely dear, this, your smile, quite simply, naked, upon my lips.

And come bathe with me, then, my love, if but, for a moment, eternal, in this, this ocean, of bliss.

For the light of the morning has given birth to me, once more, and the sun shall surely shine, this day, in my heart.

Light in body, light in spirit.
Light in mind.
Light in heart.
Light in eye.

© Bede Nix, 1 June 2018. All rights reserved.

Yourself Again Afloat, A Human Flow
Clearly what you, in your eyes, see, and appreciate, perhaps love, or adore -or perhaps not- is your own unique vision, of this tremendous, cosmic, river, vast, following behind, and flowing, all around, and before you, immense, in time, and in all its glorious multiplicity, its seeming infinity, of perspectives, stories, allegiances, identities, lives, and forms, and in which, and on which, if but, for a moment, if but, for a brief, fleeting, moment, you find yourself, at the centre, somehow, again, your universe, afloat.

© Bede Nix, 3 June 2018. All rights reserved.

Gifts, To Share
To open yourself up, to release, and to share, and, in this way, also, to discover, little by little, who you are, or who you may become, when trying out, exercising, and developing, your talents, and your potential, is perhaps, in a sense, not so far, in terms of sensation, from being frightened, quite simply, and feeling scared – when, this being frightened, and this feeling scared, like a child who must give up something dear, concerns – well, how to name, or describe it? – your earth, your land, your ground, your time, your labour, your harvest, your produce, your property, your reason, your reason for being, your existence, your identity, your self-identity, and, in short, your world, your universe, such that – however one names, or describes it – to be truly fertile, and abundant, imaginative, and creative – as universe, world, identity, existence, property, produce, harvest, labour, time, ground, land, and earth – whatever name, or description, fits best – well, for that to be a place of rich soil, containing seeds of great promise, for growth, and for growing something worthwhile – something, that’s to say, worth sharing – and to share whatever that is with family, and friends – strangers too, why not? (friends, as yet, unrecognized) – and, sharing it out, that thing, these things, crops, fruit, or common goods, and the expression of talent, in the community – future harvests, in the ripening, and eventual fullness, of time – one’s ground, first and foremost, perhaps, must be prepared, cut into, as by a ploughshare, and turned over, made fertile.

And it’s perhaps that cutting away, and separating, with its resulting sensation, seemingly inevitable, of pain, and loss, and that experience of feeling oneself at once frightened, scared, then scarred, by life, that opens one up to being separated, seemingly, from something, of oneself, of value, and to share that precious, separated, part, by simply giving it away, in an opening of the hand, and of the heart, and of the mind, so as to let it all go, and, letting it all go, to be again liberated, and free.

And yet, as with many a seeming sacrifice, it’s only then, and precisely then, paradoxically, at the moment of letting go, and sharing, that one is opened, also, to receiving something back, in return.

And it is in this way, in giving, and receiving, and sharing all, that all then grow richer, and happier, and wiser, too, and root themselves in fabulously fertile soil, and grow tall.

For the earth shares of her abundance, is generous, and giving; and should we not be likewise so?

Express yourself, then; and, in this way, and by this practice, come to allow yourself, and to discover, for yourself, little by little, your very fullest expression, such that, one day, on point of departure, you’ll realize yourself to have been fully expressed, and something magnificent, noble, beautiful, and whole.

Open up, then, and share.

It’s the only way.

© Bede Nix, 5 June 2018. All rights reserved.

Best of All
Carl Jung once commented as follows: “Thinking is difficult, that’s why most people judge”.

How do you judge others?

How would you wish to be judged?

And how do you judge yourself?

Are you the very best, in your view? Or not quite yet, the best?

In any case, if really you wish to be the best, and to be the very, very, best (that you can be), the winning formula is surprisingly simple: to be the best, just keep doing your best, and do so over and over again, beginning right now, then simply going on, forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever; Amen!

Be the best that you can be, that’s all; the very best!

And just try to do your best.

Always your best.
Always your best.
Always your best.

Do your best, my friend.

And I know you can. And I know you will.

(You will).

So don’t judge others, if you can help it; but also don’t mind too much when others judge you, if really they wish or need to do so. I mean, who really cares? For a person quick to pass judgment on you may in reality reveal very little about you, but a great deal about themselves, and that not flattering. And a person’s judgment does not in any way define who you are even if it may offer an important insight into the person themselves who is passing judgment. In other words, a person’s judgment tells you something of their story, but not necessarily of yours. Similarly, a person’s judgment is not a truth, necessarily; it’s just someone’s opinion, or point of view.

And so, while always welcoming the wisdom, the teachings, the generous guidance, the constructive criticism, the helpful instructions, of one, and all, as teachers and guides genuine in their intention to help and to educate you, don’t ever, ever, ever, lose sleep over, or take to heart, an empty, shallow, miserly, carping, criticism; rather, let the judgment go, quite simply, saying, in the last analysis, well, who are you to judge? And, given the ugliness of your tone, who really cares, what you think, at the end? Who really cares?

And, if you yourself feel summarily dismissed by the harsh judgment of your fiercest critic, dismiss likewise him, or her, in turn; and, in summary, just let it go.

In the familiar text of the Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 7, we read “Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure you mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is there in thine own eye?”

Perhaps the following is not a bad attitude, or response, or rule of thumb, to adopt, or make, or offer, when facing a person somewhat quick to judge; it goes like this, “Before you judge me, make sure you’re perfect”. At the same time, do try to apply this rule also to yourself, too, meaning that, unless you are unquestionably perfect in some way, which I doubt – and even then – try not to evaluate yourself too generously; don’t show off, in other words; don’t boast, and brag; don’t be big-headed, and arrogant; don’t be such a fool, and such a bore, and all talk, put simply; for, in this way, at least, you’d really rather better leave others to be the judge –  don’t you think so?

And, in any case, whatever you do, don’t worry about being the best – that empty vanity; it’s nothing but a distraction, and a nonsense; forget it!

At the same time, know that those who really are the very best, or very, very close to being so, and advancing well, in their ascent, to such mastery, and to such Olympian peaks, focus always, and only, on still more, and still deeper, study, and learning, and practice, and ever deeper study, and learning, and practice, so as just to go deeper, and deeper, and deeper, and deeper, into their craft, into their subject, into their passion, into their vocation, into their calling, and, in this way, they ask, and will, only to develop the training, and the understanding, to go farther, and deeper, and ever farther, and ever deeper; in short, their attitude is one simply of focus, absolute focus, and discipline, and determination, and dedication.

Searching online earlier today for additional inspiration on the subject of judgment, I came across a wish, or perhaps a prayer, that reads as follows: “May we have compassion first, love always, and judgment never”. And it seems that the Dalai Lama once observed that “love is the absence of judgment.”

And so, instead of passing judgment on others, let’s offer them instead our open hands, and hearts, and to aspire to be the best that we can be at being present, and empathetic, and compassionate, and understanding, and forgiving, and, that’s to say, not “not” caring at all, but rather, being one who cares about everything, absolutely everything, everything, everything, and everyone.

That’s clearly to be the best; the best of all.

© Bede Nix, 8 June 2018. All rights reserved.

To Call, These Thoughts, My Soul, To You
I can no more will my heart to end its restless, incessant, beating, and to turn itself to stone, or my blood to cease its circulation, and its flow, and freeze, immediately, at once, this instant, in my veins, as on command, than I can turn, as if there were a way, my thoughts, my thoughts, a way, to turn, to turn away, my thoughts, away, to turn away, my thoughts, from you, and you, and you, and again, again you, and again you, my racing blood, and heart’s desire, in love, and in love’s longing, and inspiration, yours, and yours again, and again, and again, to inhale, and to breathe out, to inhale, and to breathe out, then, as if, to call, these thoughts, to call, these thoughts, to you, and of you, into the world, as if, in such a way, again, to find you, magnificent, beautiful, peerless, perfect, and so to draw you, near, in my mind, in mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye, a vision, divine, and to see you, again, and again see you, to see you, to see, and to know you, to see, and to know you, near, and nearer, still, quivering, still, and trembling, still, still, still, the soft, warm, breeze, upon my lips, your sigh, and your body’s bliss washed over me, blood’s flow, and beating hearts, my soul.

© Bede Nix, 12 June 2018. All rights reserved.

The Heat of the Desert Sun
In the heat of the desert sun love’s lonely heart burns … burns … burns … with longing … longing … a word that seems itself to measure, as if mapping out, already, in its sounding, too great a distance, desolate … in longing … with longing … belonging … still … and still … burning … burning … and burning, bright … and burning, brighter … and burning, brighter … brighter, still … in such golden, brilliant, light … until finally, at last, burning blinding bright, it melts clear away, this lonely human heart, dissolved, in dreams, delirious, of love, to love, in love, my love, of you.

© Bede Nix, Thoughts in Oman, 26 June 2018. All rights reserved.

The Candle of the Self, Burning Bright
You are the light of my fire, and I, enflamed, flicker this way, and that, upon your breath, in myriad animations of light that, burning, now, so bright, appear, if all too briefly, for a moment, as if in dance, eternal.

Yes.

You, you are.

You are the light.

You are the light of my fire.

You are the light of my fire, and I, enflamed.

You are the light of my fire, and I, enflamed, flicker this way, and that.

You are the light of my fire, and I, enflamed, flicker this way, and that, upon your breath.

You are the light of my fire, and I, enflamed, flicker this way, and that, upon your breath, in seeming animation.

Animation.

And shadow play.

Chiaroscuro.

Night, and day.

Darkness, and light.

Light, and darkness.

Day, and night.

Chiaroscuro.

And shadow play …

A play of shadows, that is, which is cast and acted out upon these cold cavern’s ancient inner walls …

(Mind)

Play, in animation.

Animations.

And animations, in the flickering light that, burning, now, suddenly, so bright, appear, if all to briefly, for a moment, as if a dance, eternal.

And you are the light of my fire, and I, enflamed, flicker this way, and that, upon your breath, in myriad animations of light that, burning, now, suddenly, so bright, appear, if all too briefly, for a moment, as if a dance, eternal.

You, you are.

Yes.

© Bede Nix, 27 June 2018. All rights reserved.

Playing For Time - Thinking It Through
I test out a number of names, trying to match them to the obscurity of my thoughts. I try to match these names to the obscurity of my thoughts so as to try to draw those thoughts out into light. And, in this nascent light, I begin then to warm these words, these thoughts, in my head, and heart, and hands …

Brain, brainstem, backbone, spine …

Personality, character, cast of mind …

And yes, perhaps a person’s personality, character, and cast of mind (whole mind), is formed rather as traditionally one forms a candle, dipping it repeatedly into a pool of sensation, perception, and emotion, which is fluid but at the same time thick, and dense, as heated wax, in a process, perhaps, that, from our beginning (however we date that), comes to shape our inner geography, our mental landscape, our sense of self, and then, little by little, also our “self” culture, and our sibling culture, and our family culture, and our tribe culture, and our regional culture, and our nation culture, and our language culture, and our world itself, or at least, our own understanding of “the world”, our subjective vision of “the world”, and, in doing so, forms then, little by little, a cast of mind, a character, a personality, and this personality, character, cast of mind, as if forever sealed, seemingly, in wax, as who we are.

I recall Edna St Vincent Millay’s immortal rhyme, “My candle burns at both ends; it will not last the night; but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends — it gives a lovely light!”

Indeed, made well, our candle’s light burns warm, and bright.

Snuffed out, sooner or later, even so – although when, quite when, exactly, for the moment, thank goodness, who knows?

(Let’s play still for time).

(Pray for time).

© Bede Nix, 27 June 2018. All rights reserved.

Please, In Prayer
My friend, please; I see you, I know, you … yes, you … (YOU) …
So, please …
(Please. Please. Please.)
Please …
Don’t hold yourself back, again, any more, ever more; but rather, bow down your head, ever so little (in prayer), to your ground, and lift your eyes, ever so little (in prayer), to your sky, and open up your arms, and heart, and mind, wide, wide open, like a landscape, a seascape, a skyscape, or a sunrise, or a sunset and, stretching out, vast (in prayer) (fullness of light) (light of sun) (light of moon) (filled with sky) (in space) (time) (and space) (time) (now) (here) (in) in your heart, your arms, your mind, to horizons, stretching out, far, far out, to offer yourself … to offer yourself … and simply to offer yourself, in surrender (your entire being, your being, entire, and whole) wholly, entirely, in surrendering, in offering, yourself, to the world, to will, and to its will, its flow, its course (in prayer), such that, trusting, now, totally, your path, your vocation, your calling, you respond now, finally, and fully (no doubt, no longer, no more), to that intuitive, inner, voice, inner knowing, inner understanding, whispering to you “yes”, by answering “yes”, answering “yes”, answering “yes”, and whispering “yes”, and yes, and yes, and yes … and … yes, yes, let’s, and yes, yes, let’s, letting go, let’s go, yes, let’s, let go, assenting, relaxed, trusting, confident, and open, so that, from here, and now, and now onwards, and now here, and now, and now, in these, these words, going on, and going forward, firm‑stepped, faithfully, upon your path, your destiny, to realize, in this way, then, that, that, of which you dream and, that, that, going onwards, and going towards … is you … and that, that, of which you are dreaming, going onwards, and going towards … is you … and so that, that, too … is you … and so, that, then, too … is you … and so make it, you, yes … and make it, you, yes … and make it, you, yes … and yes … and yes … and yes … and yes, to all … and to make it, you, yes, and all, and all, yes, you, you make it … so … and so … and so … yes, to all … yes, you … yes, make it so.
And I perfectly know that you know what I mean; no need to say so.
But, if I may say so:
Go on, my friend; simply go on, go on, go on.
Go on, going onwards, going towards.
On, onwards, towards.
(And this text, this text, of textiled, woven, golden, thread, in interwoven fabric, story, intertwined, of life, and life’s voice, vocation, calling, sung out, in musical lines, melody, harmony, textured, here, again, in words).
So that, my friend, please …
If you can, you must; you will; you surely will; and that, that, this, then, too, surely, you, you also, will; and you also will, surely; and surely, you also; will, surely; and will, your will; and your will, surely.
For now in doing, being done.
And now in doing, being done.
And now
In doing …
In doing, being, done.
Doing, being, done.
(You, your will, be done).
My friend, please …
My friend, please …
My friend, please …

© Bede Nix, 6 July 2018. All rights reserved.

The Last Time, Sooner, Or Later
My friend,
One day, gladly, or sadly, there will of course be a last exchange of looks, a last touch, a last word, a last greeting, a last farewell, a last second, last minute, last hour, and a last day, and a last time; and, until that time, whenever it will be, soon, or sooner still, or still some way off (sooner, or later), do try, simply, and simply try, try your best, still, still, to enjoy your time; be calm, patient, forgiving, gentle, generous, and kind, if you can; relax, and be well – while there’s yet, still, time, yet, left, to last.

© Bede Nix, 6 July 2018. All rights reserved.

In Mind's Eye
May your mind be still, serene, and, in its fullest volume, and expanse, unfathomably deep, as if unknowably profound, and, at the same time, upon its surface, dazzlingly bright, and brilliantly beautiful, like the summer sunlight’s rays dancing upon the gently rippling waters of a great lake, as surely they do now, reflected in your sparkling, gimlet eye, timeless, eternal, from where I see you.

© Bede Nix, 14 July 2018. All rights reserved.

Speaking One's Mind
And I wonder, is my tongue, my language, somehow like a head of land, upon which the myriad meanings of my life meander, and migrate, as if in search of echo, shape, rhythm, harmony, and the greatest possible extent of meaning upon and into which my tongue, my language, my breath, may yet extend, expand, explore and, in search of meaning, sound.

And onwards, then, still, I journey, through these, my days, of life, and onwards, then, still, I journey, even as my journey, somehow, at the same time, grounds me, too, as I travel, and work upon, this sound of sculpted earth, this land, this language, this tongue, this tone, of time, and these time-tuned, time-tested, time-trusted, and repeated, so very often repeated, thoughts, sounded, as language, in words, to tune a universe of neural pathways upon the tongue’s terrain, and the mind’s expanse, even as that tongue of land, and language, and mind, seeks always, in its journeys, and in its travels, both to find and, at the same time, to lose itself, as if in yearning for both its own formation, and creation, and at the same time, its own destruction, and dissolution, and as if wishing to wash oneself away, that is, this way, as land gets washed away into the sea—and tongue of land, washed away, into sea—and as if there to find, or perhaps to dissolve into, some greater meaning, and that, then, not only the meaning of the mother’s tongue, but also the meanings of the tongues of all our mothers, and all our mothers’ tongues, and mother languages, and motherlands, too, and beyond, then, all words, all language, to a land, on the tip of one’s tongue, of only feeling, and sensation, and emotion, like a vast, boundless, infinite, sea, or a vast, boundless, infinite, ocean, of meaning—and feeling, and sensation, and emotion—untranslatable, unnameable, unutterable, so to speak, yet sounded, still.

And so to speak.

And so, yes: speak, and speak easily, my friend, in ease, and trust, and confidence, your mind, being mindful by nature; and let your thoughts, and words, in trust, effortlessly, flow out, and be free.

And tell me, too …

(No need for us to hold our tongues, now, or our breath; rather, let’s be freed, now, of any and all pent up and held tight tension, and anxiety).

And tell me, too …

(Let’s let it all go; let’s be open, and free).

And tell me, too …

How do you feel now?

How now do you feel?

How now?

© Bede Nix, 27 July 2018. All rights reserved.

Blood Moon
In this great expanse of space, dark and blind–my thought, my mind–I search for but do not find you, I look for but do not see you.
And yet I know that you’re out there, floating, somewhere, not only in my mind, but really there, in the night, of time, this perfect time, in all your seemingly fleshy, blood-filled, swollen, skin, of beauty.
At least, I think so; but my head is again in the clouds, again lost, in the clouds, and I understand nothing of all this, absolutely nothing.
I cannot even see; I see nothing, feel nothing!
Where is my heart? Can I know that, at least?
I don’t know!
And–oh God!–I’ve lost my body, too.
Where am I?
Where are my limbs, and organs; where my breath … and spirit … and voice?
(And these words are not my words; this voice is not my voice).
(Whose words? Whose voice?)
And am I then the very storm itself–and my mind, thick, with clouds of dense, confusing, thought–ripped open only momentarily, brief blink of eternity, brief flash of light, then sound.
(After which, the silence).
(Whose sound?)
(Whose silence?)
(Yours?)
And I try to draw you in the night sky of my mind, but find no words adequate to describe your beauty, either real, or as I yearn to imagine it.
And are you beyond, then, beauty, and beauty’s many words – brief blink of eternity, brief flash of light, then sound, mere sound, of human word?
(After which, the silence).
(Whose sound?)
(Whose silence?)
(Yours again).
For I so want to find you, but cannot.
And I so want to describe you, but cannot.
And I so want to draw you near, but cannot.
And I so want to embrace you, but cannot.
And I so want to see you, but cannot.
For you–you, you are hidden behind those same thick clouds, thick clouds of confusing thought; and I cannot nor will I ever–in this time, in time, in this time–see you.
And yet somehow, I know, I really know, that you’re out there, floating, somewhere, not only in my mind, but really out there, somewhere, floating, in this night, the night, of this time, of time, of this perfect time, in all your seemingly fleshy, blood-filled, swollen, skin, of beauty.
And in this great expanse of space, dark and blind–my thought, my mind–I search for but do not find you, I look for but do not see you.
I see nothing, feel nothing.
And it’s somehow still extraordinary.
Absolutely.

© Bede Nix, 27 July 2018. All rights reserved.

This Present Moment
What, then, for you, is beauty?

Beauty, then, for me, if you ask me now, this minute, drawing breath, and trying, at the same time, to draw shape, in answer, to the many traces of thought, swirling around in my mind, in response to this question—that makes me think of a door, opened, upon a long‑closed, now sunlit, room, and the dust, disturbed, now dancing, blinking-eyed, unsettled, in this sudden glorious light, itself so wildly beautiful—is perhaps—right now, as you ask me, and in response to your question—just this, then—and this, then, only—and just this, then, the thought of you, and only you; and this, my first answer, then, as it arises, in thought—the thought of you; the thought of you; the thought of you; and, lost, in your eyes, the sight of you, the vision of you; and the approaching proximity of you, coming closer, coming nearer; and the smell of you, too—the shape, and sense, of you; and at last (at breathless last), the touch, and feel, of you—your texture, and taste; and the breath of you, felt fleetingly between shared lips, touching—and held for as long as one’s thoughts can contain it, warm, upon the tongue, and in the mouth; and held always, and forever, in the heart, this thought of you; this thought of you; this thought of you; here, in the heart, and in beauty, appearing now—in the blink of an eye, and the beat of racing heart—as if a wordless, but fully written out, inscribed, material, embodied, answer, to an eternal, timeless, question, impossible, in this, my opened hand, of thought; and this, my opened heart, and chest, and neck, and throat, and voice, to sing of you, and to you, of my desperate longing, and desire, to lose myself now, in you, and you, in me, and my desperate longing, and desire, at the same time, to hold back, now, a moment longer, from the ecstasy, and confusion, of such a loss, and the desolation, and sadness, too, in losing myself, completely, and utterly, in you, when I could instead remain eternally here, and now, thinking, speechless, about how to answer your question—you, not you; me, not me—while gazing upon, and lost in, this present moment’s perfect vision of this, your perfect beauty, in my own beauty’s broken-open-heart, and broken-open-eye, pounded back, then washed away, in a sea of tears, and an ocean of love, and bliss, sublime, surely divine, and oh so exquisitely, perfectly, beautiful.

It’s the joy of now, this present moment.

Don’t you see?

© Bede Nix, 27 July 2018. All rights reserved.

As If A Teardrop, I
As If A Teardrop, I*

Sitting by the river of the heart, and listening to her song, I see in mind’s eye a small circle of stones, in which a combination of coal, and wood, oxygen, and heat, create fire, burning warm, and bright; and then, lifting higher my mind’s eye, I see, too, something that strikes me as somewhat comparable, namely a small stone cottage, once a tenant farmer’s modest home, up on the slope of the hill, where surely another fire, similarly marked out, set apart, and sheltered, is here named the hearth-a temporary place of, and home to, the heart-and the hearth, that is, on which a kettle again holds water boiling up for hot tea, and with it the promise of warmth, and comfort, and possibly, even, some company.

And these words now swirling around in my imagination are as if themselves rising up with the smoke, and the steam, of this great heat of thought, burning up, upon fire’s scorched ground, and hearth’s scorched ground, and heart’s scorched ground, and all life’s energy in this way simply burning up the heart, my heart, life’s heart, my heart, the heart, in such emotion, so much emotion, all emotion, as if life itself were simply evaporating, sublime, into thin air, seemingly, sometimes, except sometimes, occasionally, also, if, only, some, time, later, lifted upwards, again, in heat of heart’s memory, to form, and fall, finally, into thought, and word, cool, as rain, from this single sky’s mind, upon the mountainside, in the mountain’s shadows, and lush green valleys, and sitting by the river of the heart, and listening, only listening–this air, glistening, fresh, upon my ear, and in my eye, as if, from heaven, fallen, divine, her song, and but a teardrop, I.

(Or so I see it, momentarily, beneath this sky, mind’s eye).

And so, sitting by the river of the heart, and listening to her song, I, too, take these, my thoughts, and words, wept written out, in inky poetry, on rain-smudged paper, and drop them, as if again, and for a second time, into the stream in which the heart’s fast-flowing current may carry them back, perhaps, to their true source, I hope, tears of the river, these words, and but a clumsy, inadequate, imperfect, impression, of poetry, longing, imperfectly, for poetry, and from where, then, there, at river’s source, these words may some day be carried back, and returned, to me, cooled, from heart’s lifetime’s flow-of such emotion, so much emotion, and all emotion-we call it love, often-call it love, so often-expansive-boundless-infinite-and so far beyond-so far beyond-this meagre talent, impoverished-and self, so small, and limited-too often solitary, and alone-and the why, not understanding, always-flowing through, flowing out, flowing back-at last, at last, at last-and, at last, perhaps, one day-at last, perfected.

(*Note. This text gathered into word and reached me in this “final” form towards the end of a wonderful and very happy holiday in Wales in the summer of 2018 but the text had already begun to form in my mind some weeks before, after watching the Oscar-nominated 1992 film biography of the Welsh poet, Hedd Wyn, written by Alan Llwyd and directed by Paul Turner, and starring Huw Garmon as Ellis Humphrey Evans (“Hedd Wyn”)**. There is a sequence in the film where Hedd Wyn is seen throwing a paper with one of his poems into a stream near his home, to send the poem “to its source” from where it might one day return strengthened, and with greater force. During our trip I too, once or twice, enjoyed the privilege of sitting by a fire near to a fast-flowing Welsh stream, with also a little time there to listen to, and hear, the stream’s lovely voice, in song. And then, on 14 August, we visited Hedd Wyn’s family home at Drawsfynydd, “Yr Ysgwrn”, which is now a wonderful museum dedicated to Hedd Wyn. It was raining rather heavily but still I would find it a challenge to imagine a more magnificent vision of nature’s immense and inspiring, shining, and luminous, beauty than the view that day from Yr Ysgwrn. Such was the majesty of that vision that I barely even noticed the rain, or perhaps I experienced it as a Welsh blessing, for which these words, in gratitude. A rain of blessings.)

(As detailed above, this text is inspired above all by the Welsh poet Hedd Wyn, a man of great peace in a world at war; but my heart dedicates it to my own dear son, for a peaceful safekeeping).

© Bede Nix, 14 August 2018, Drawsfynydd, Wales. All rights reserved.

**”Hedd Wyn” (S4/C film, 1992); www.sainwales.com

On Barmouth Sands
(Abermaw)

It occurred on Barmouth Sands, of all the unlikely places
(Or so to me, at least, it seemed),
And entirely unexpectedly, when we’d imagined that we were only passing through, and all was incidental, the time, and place; and yet it was, at the same time, and as I later understood, surely, and certainly, meant to be,
Spilling out, spontaneously, from hour’s journey, upon the almost-deserted beach, in the late afternoon,
On that day, towards the close of summer, and summer’s holiday,
And shivering, nevertheless, and a little fresh, and cold, in rainbow light, of rain, that
I came to be there,
With my family, far, not far,
And I as if a third, in quiet witness, observing
This, my son,
And this, my dear son’s mother, dear
(A living poetry so far beyond my words, my heart)
And both, so dear, too dear, to me,
To know them, too, too near, at just that moment,
For love, too, needs sometimes distance, and a great expanse of distance, too, even,
For its true measure, meaningfully, to be taken,
And some perspective, cool, to be found, from where to draw, far off, far out, in gesture, swift, a line of horizon, thin, and fine,
And from where also to recognize, too, again, where sky, and sea, separate, if all too briefly, in this the late day’s sun, and sun-blinded, blinking eye,
And to chart from there some future horizon, distant,
Far off, far out, and far away,
And in the hope there to find, perhaps, some direction, maybe, too.
And perhaps it was for this reason, then, that I, too, instinctively, fell back,
Absorbed, in thought,
And thinking, too, then, I was, to my own father, behind whom I too had once walked, on other sandy beaches, as a boy,
And of my mother, too, who held me many times, no doubt, in dimmed memory’s slender arms, warm-towelled, from sea,
And there, then, it was, as if waiting for me, this moment, in that softly setting sun’s so very gentle, and golden, light,
So that, somehow, beyond me,
In golden sands, and sun, still bright, enough, to see,
This light,
And my son’s arms,
And my wife’s arms,
Swinging, happily, side to side, as they walked,
Heads high, and eyes to sky,
And joyful as the day’s last light,
Relaxed, and open,
Breathing oceans, so deep, so buoyant, and so free,
And simply brimming over, brilliantly, with life,
There they were, the two of them, side by side,
And as if dancing, together, delightful,
In my sunset’s ocean eye,
My love.
And indeed, what a fullness of love, then, there, I knew
Upon those slipping sands of time, halted, seemingly, suddenly, and stopped, still, too, as if time were revealed, then, briefly, and recognized, and known, if but for a moment, as boundless, timeless, infinite, and eternal,
In this,
This perfect moment, that …
In its eternity, awaits you, then, it seems, and always will.
And what happiness, my heart, be still.

© Bede Nix, 16 August 2018, Barmouth, Wales. All rights reserved.

Character Building
And it was just like that, you see.

And it was just like that, the first time.

And it was just like that, the very first time-can you imagine?-the very first time, training to become a paratrooper, in red beret, that I took off, and flew, awash with blood, and beating heart, and the noise of the aircraft’s engines almost, but not quite, deafening me, or so it felt like, for I could hear, still, the subtle sound – still – of my breathing – still – between my eyes, and in my nostrils, wide, awake; and I knew myself, then, and well, I can tell you; I felt so immensely alive!

And I was, like, right, okay, why not?

Let’s go!

(All character building, after all.)

And I simply stepped off, and gently fell, through weight of air, until the ground.

And I simply stepped off, and gently fell, through weight of air, until the ground; and repeated this sequence of actions again, and again, and again, until the end.

And I simply stepped off, and gently fell, through weight of air, until the ground.

Until one day, some four or five years later, I knew at last what it felt like not only to take off but also to land in an aeroplane; and that first experience of “landing” in that way seemed somehow so strange to me because I had until then only ever jumped out, at varying altitudes, of every aeroplane I’d ever stepped into and taken off in; I’d jumped out from every single one!

And I was like, alright, okay, nice; so that’s how it feels.

(For Mick, in great gratitude for our meeting, and our walking, and our conversation.)

© Bede Nix, 8 August 2018, Black Mountains, Near Brecon, Wales. All rights reserved.

Do visit:
www.blackmountain.co.uk

A Curry Night, With Pleasure - Just Got To Goa
(A Plate of Nonsense)

My friends,
Ladies, and gentlemen,
Distinguished guests,
And all the riff-raff rest of you:
Be off! Be gone!

(Don’t come too near, I mean; go far).

For I am blocked.
I am blocked – and blocked, again – blocked yet again.
(Bother it, damn it, and blast it).
The plumbing, probably.
It takes sometimes so much time, too much time, too slow, to drain.
A lifetime, or two – to say the least; and not what once it was.

But for the saucy invitation, my Chicken Vindaloo …
(Karma Why – Karma Who)
(How I do).
And for your patience, too; I thank you.

And know that, if I could, I’d simply love to; I’d simply love to, first long, then longer, then longer still; first long, then longer, then longer still, that drink; that lassi long drink, longer, longer, longer, longer still, so thirsty am I, I think I will.

So do let’s, let it, flow, and pour it all–splish-splash–down, and out, these warm, monsoon, rains, of adoration, upon our heads, bowed, and somewhat sodden, in gorgeous, gaseous, gush, gurgling, glory, love liquids, down drainpipes, channelled, clear, as if, from heaven, before you; in short, a rain of blessings.

And I say again to you this, that love’s poetry flows eternal.

(And then some).

(But just a little tipple here, and a lot of topple there; no harm).

Even so, so sorry; can’t stop now .
There’s too much gnawing indigestion, and acid, burning, my dear, dear heart, in flames.
And assorted repetitions, intolerable – the rest unmentionable; no time to lose.
So no, I know, I can’t stop now, even, no, no, so … ; and so, so, so, so, sorry!

Rolling eyes and fidgety toes, just got to Goa.

© Bede Nix, 13 June 2018. All rights reserved.

An Ear For Silence
A line of words seems sometimes to form so suddenly, spontaneously, surprisingly, in mind, my mind, surfacing there, and floating up, in reflection, as if, from nowhere, known, or recalled, or recognized – ocean’s rippling memory, a mystery, maybe, who knows – whosoever, wherever, whenever, whichever, whatever – why who; and these words, then, ask, then, asking me, myself, if, behind, or perhaps underneath, or perhaps within, all life’s noise, and agitation, and emotion, in mind, there is, somewhere, somehow, here, in the heart of the thing, in the heart (the heart), in the heart of the thing, a great quietness (of poetry), and an ear, to hear, then, there, the silence, deep, and still; an ear for silence. And so I lift up, beseeching, heavenward, my eyes, and breathe, saying, why not, and why, again; and, in reply, that sky, sky’s song, sounding silence, and only silence, silence all; sky sounding silence, all that, and more, my soundless cry, as if, in moment’s happiness, momentarily, to myself, this moment, now, momentarily, in moment’s happiness, to die. And there, then, too, to look, to listen, to see, to hear, and to know; and to know, now, where, every, there, and, every, ever, here, and here, again, and again, and again, so free, to be; live on. And all mind’s eye, quiet heart; so far, and yet, so near; come hold me dear.

© Bede Nix, 26 September 2018. All rights reserved.

Breathe In, Begin, Go On
Breathing.

Seemingly breathing.

Seemingly breathing, and so alive; simply alive, breathing life.

Simply breathing, being.

So it seems; yet, seemingly, doing nothing.

Sitting, doing nothing; doing nothing, seemingly; just sitting – an activity standing surely pretty low on the grand scale, and rank, and scheme of things; and an activity boasting so little activity, in fact, that it amounts, put bluntly, to near total inactivity, meaning that it must surely come at the very bottom of the human activity scale; and yes, that’s right, right at the very bottom of the scale; for it’s of such shockingly low standing, this, this non-active activity of just simply sitting there, on one’s bottom, the pun, indeed, intended, that I ask you: who, then, could disagree? I mean, really; what is this? Just sitting around on your arse all day! You should be ashamed, I hear them cry! The wastrel! The layabout! The lazy good for nothing! The lazy bastard!

(On your bike, mate!)

(Breathe; calm down; take it easy.)

Breathing.

Seemingly breathing.

Seemingly breathing, and so alive; simply alive, breathing life.

Simply breathing, being.

Or so it seems; yet, seemingly, doing nothing.

And doing nothing does nothing.

Or so it, thinking, seems; but then, really? Does it really?

And who, here, then, is lazy; who, here, is being lazy; and who, here, is here, to judge?

And: “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone”, writes Pascal.*

Sitting, doing nothing; doing nothing, seemingly; just sitting.

Thinking.

And a thought, a word, in any case, simply arises, in time, over time, and words you, in melody of breath, and rhythm of heartbeat, breathing life into your mind, your universe; and with one thought, one word, soon comes another, forming sentences, that begin then to shape around your heart, and your world, in layer, upon layer, of vibration, emotion, and language.

“The heart has its reasons, which reason knows not.”

And I’m sitting here now and thinking about something, the full shape of which I’ve not yet perceived or understood; it’s only a sketch, that’s to say; a first draft; an essay; and an attempt, simply, quietly, to open my mind, to reflect, and to think. And, as I do that, would you care to join me, and to sit with me, perhaps? Perhaps we could drink some tea together, or coffee, and think through this thing together. And why don’t we? And so please, yes, come; do come; sit, be seated.

And it begins, I think, like this.

A thought, as if embodied, becoming physical, material, and something, perhaps, that matters, rises up, from the heart, or else drops down, mysteriously, plump, and moist, from the mind’s sky, upon the tongue, wettened, and slippery, from where, from there, it’s spoken word, and spoken word, that embodies, gives expression, form, and life, not only to a vibration of breath, but also to an energy, intelligence, and attitude, that speaks to intention, and then, eventually, sooner or later, to action; for thought leads surely to action.

This might make us think of a process of cooling, as if a warm thought becomes fluid upon the tongue before hardening into the delivery of thought in spoken word, and then, still more so, in action either taken, directly taken, or else, described, in word, by word.

And for a moment I hold, then, a thought, examining it in my mind; it’s a thought that in words I could express perhaps in this way: “The hardening of thought, in word.”

(And where is the heart, in the word, “hard”; and where, in word, and where, in deed?)

And we know that there are some words (so many) that fall heavily, so heavily upon the ear, and upon the heart; and I am quite sure that we can all recall the dullness, insensitivity, or sometimes, also, cruelty, of such words; one reacts to them almost physically, as if recoiling, pulling away, and closing up, and feeling, fleetingly, a contraction, infinitely subtle, of the heart, all too painful.

And such words are words that fall like stones into the emotional well of the heart.

And, like stones, they fall to the bottom, and remain; it’s not always so easy to loosen them in a flow of happier and more positive energy and emotion; rather, they must be thrown off, and thrown away from oneself, to a distance, and this takes great emotion, great energy, great courage, great strength.

“A stone is frozen music”, observed Plato – or rather, perhaps he heard this thought; and even when the energy of a word feels heavy, or ugly, energy, and emotion, it surely contains, even so, that heavy, hurtful word, and much of it. But how then to release that word’s energy, and emotion, and to hear again its potential for melody, and music?

(In other terms, how to touch someone who is tired, nervous, stressed, and irritable, frustrated, and angry, unfriendly, or cruel, aggressive, and mean, and tell them; lighten up, my friend! It’s all okay. And how then, perhaps, to free them, in this way, to hear them sing?)

And, at the same time, reflecting upon this question, and this theme, and worrying over it, I worry also beads, between my fingers, as if in prayer.

And perhaps it’s this action of “worrying” that makes me think of being outdoors, in nature, standing now by a fast-flowing river, now on a beach before the ocean, weighing stones, collected, in my hands, before readying myself to throw those stones as far distant as I can.

Plop! Plop! Plop!

Each stone, even the very lightest, drops heavily through a liquid, watery world; a world that is fluid.

And so it is, perhaps, with words, and even with the very gentlest of word; for, even the very gentlest word can itself, all too often, fall unexpectedly heavily, and hurtfully; the pity, and the sadness, of it. Should we then be silent, saying nothing?

(Possibly.)

(And I try to articulate this thought so very cautiously, with great care, and speaking, as it were, with great reserve, and ever so slowly, and gently, and softly.)

Or could it be that words themselves, chosen carefully, might lead us on a path, where our words become fewer, but more meaningful, and our meaning somehow condensed, distilled, and where our expression is concise, and clear, and to the point, and to the heart of the thing, and to the heart, then, of a shared inner stillness, and a beautiful quietness, and, eventually, perhaps, a wisdom, well, of silence, profound?

And again I picture myself with these stones, in thought, in word, in deed; but this time, as I think again to throw a stone far out, into the water, I briefly pause, this time, this time, and choose instinctively, this time, to review, and to adjust the picture, and to change the picture; for this time, no, I am not now going to throw the stone with a great and explosive, unbridled, undirected, uncontrolled, energy, and force; instead, I am going to try, this time, to see, simply to see, if I cannot place my stones where in fact I would wish them to be placed, swinging them gently from underarm; and almost just dropping them into the water, like this, like that; a fluid, and graceful, movement of thought; for I can try, at least.

And I ask myself, if each of these stones, in migration of thought, in word, in deed, were arranged imaginatively, nd gracefully, with care, and attention, beside other stones, fallen here, fallen there, dropped here, dropped there, in thought, in word, in deed, could they not then, together, lay down a weird, erratic, path, across a stream, a stream, of thought, a stream of thought, in sands of time, to form eventually a sentence, like a line, then, of thoughts, in words, and deeds, that grows, then, soon, to be something like a story, or at least the beginning of a story, with each sentence, itself, a story, in miniature, written from emotion, and of emotion, and in emotion; and each emotion, in short, a sentence; and the telling of an emotion; and each string of sentences, a story; and each sentence, story, text, a tapestry, interwoven, of thought, word, deed, calling out, in emotion, from emotion, to action, here, and now.

Think, then, of a sentence; then write it down.

And a sentence, then (trying to think it through), is the exhaled, sounded, impulse, breath–fast, or slow, short or long–of life itself, as if in line of song, breathed in, taken in, contained, released; and often contained, released, too fast, it’s true, or else repulsed, rejected, too quickly, and violently, as if it were all somehow too dear, and precious-all too terrible-too dear, and precious, or else not dear enough, not precious, quite, enough-and life’s experience, emotion, expression, not great enough, too great, not deep enough, too deep, not close enough, too close, not dear enough, too dear, not near enough, too near, and not enough, enough, and such emotion, such love, rich, and poor, bewildering; and goodness, my goodness, how mercy, her face again covered, with her hands, weeps, and weeps, and weeps, on history’s shoulder.

And from quietness, and silence, a thought, a word, in any case, simply arises, in time, over time, and words you, in melody of breath, and rhythm of heartbeat, breathing life into your mind, and your universe; and with one thought, one word, soon comes another, forming sentences, that begin then to shape around your heart, and your world, in layer, upon layer, of vibration, and emotion, and language, and story; and also, sometimes, for the most fortunate, perhaps, among us–and the least fortunate, too, paradoxically—those who have suffered most, and surrendered all—in song; in story, lifted, risen, inspired, to melody, and to music, in song; in story, in song.

And upon the melody of a breath, and the rhythm of a heartbeat, this, then, my music, my song; and this, then, my prayer; breathe in, begin, go on.

Breathing.

Seemingly breathing.

Seemingly breathing, and so alive; simply alive, breathing life.

Simply breathing, being.

And it begins, I think, like this.

Do you not think so?

 

© Bede Nix, 29 September 2018. All rights reserved.

*Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), French Philosopher, Author of “Pensées”. “The heart has its reasons, which reason knows not” is also a line from Pascal.

Migrant Mind, In Thought, Alive, In Thought, Afloat
“Cough up, if you can; and if you can’t, just cough up anyway; for cough up–cry silenced, heart unheard, spirit broken, and body, battered, bruised, and war torn, homeless, and helpless, and cold, and hungry, and retching, sick, and night, raped, and daylight, robbed, of this, this wretched earth, of woman’s son, mankind–and pay up, you must, you must, you must, and more, and pay up, my friend, you must, and more, and pay up, my friend, you will; now step this way”, or so he seemed to say, the Devil, or something like (he spoke, what was, to me, a foreign tongue); “our boat’s this way”.

(And no Christian, Muslim, or Jew, was he; no true believer, heart warm, and loving, surely, in his simple faith, that much, was clear.)

(He knew the market, though; a splendid entrepreneur! And, I ask you, how could he possibly let such an opportunity pass by? And how proud and rich he’d make his children be!)

But what a ship of fools we were, quite honestly; astonishingly, even after, astonished, we’d seen the “ship”, and even then; naïve, so very naïve, so desperately naïve, we were, and innocent; either that, or damned, and desperate; and just thin scraps, and scratchings, left, of hope, there were, to nourish us, believers, somehow, still, in human kindness, human nature, human value, valuable, still, as walk that plank we did, up to our boat, if you can call it that, that crock of filthy, holy, shit.

(And I’ll pour out my wrath like water.)

And look at me now; the last alive, the only one.

And cough up the swallowed saltwater, if you can; cough it up or, if you can, better still, just keep it out, just keep it out of your mouth, and your mouth, even gasping, short of breath, keep shut, and closed; just keep your mouth shut; and even so, keep your head, if you can, above water, treading water; and be then like some bloody miracle worker, calm, and carrying on; don’t go under, at any rate; don’t lose your head; keep breathing on.

And it all floated by so fast, as in a dream, accelerated; your life re-lived backwards, as they say, going forwards, in reverse.

And, adrift on open seas, I reached out, reached out, reached out for it, then, in hope, as if it were a buoy, or rope; a lifeline keeping me, another moment, another breath, in thought, alive, in thought, afloat.

And a line of words formed then so suddenly, spontaneously, surprisingly, desperately, in mind, my mind, in mind, in foaming wave, on wave, of memory, spat, salted, sprayed, in teary, brilliant, blinding, sun, cresting, white, and paper, thin, in fading, fast emptying, dissolving, drenched, drowning, memory, on wave, of memory, in skin-numbed blue, to freezing, flailing, ink-spilled, body, black, and that, then, that, and beautiful, strangely, still.

And this line of words formed then so suddenly, spontaneously, surprisingly, desperately, in mind, my mind, in mind, surfacing there, and floating up, in reflection, as if, from nowhere, known, or recalled, or recognized – ocean’s rippling memory, a mystery, maybe, who knows – whosoever, wherever, whenever, whichever, whatever – why who; and these words, then, as it were, asked, then, asked, and, asking, me, myself, asked, if, behind, or perhaps underneath, or perhaps within, all life’s noise, and agitation, and emotion, in mind, there was, and there existed, somewhere, somehow, here, in the heart of the thing, in the heart (the heart), in the heart of the thing, a great quietness (of poetry), and an ear, to hear, then, there, the silence, deep, and still; an ear for silence. And so I lifted up, then, beseeching, heavenward, my eyes, and breathed, again, although breathless, panting, saying, why, and why, again; and, in reply, that sky, sky’s song, sounded silence, and only silence, and only silence, only, all; sky sounding silence, and all that, and more, oh my, my soundless cry, as if, in moment’s happiness, momentarily, to myself, that moment, this, and this, and now, momentarily, in moment’s happiness, now, were I, I wish, to die. And there, then, too, to look, to listen, to see, to hear, and to know; and to know, this, now, that, where, every, there, and, every, ever, here, and there, and here, again, and again, and again, so free, to be; in death, in death, in death; in death, live on. And all mind’s eye, quiet heart; so far, and yet, so near; come hold me dear.

And a line of words formed then so suddenly, spontaneously, surprisingly, desperately, in mind, my mind, in mind, in foaming wave, on wave, of memory, spat, salted, sprayed, in teary, brilliant, blinding, sun, cresting, white, and paper, thin, in fading, fast emptying, dissolving, drenched, drowning, memory, on wave, of memory, in skin-numbed blue, to freezing, flailing, ink-spilled, body, black, and that, then, that, and beautiful, strangely, still.

And, adrift on open seas, I reached out, reached out, reached out for it, then, in hope, as if it were a buoy, or rope; a lifeline keeping me, another moment, another breath, in thought, alive, in thought, afloat.

And it all floated by so fast, as in a dream, accelerated; your life re-lived backwards, as they say, going forwards, in reverse.

And this, then, almost the last thing, floating away, from life, and me, that I could see: a tiny baby, bobbing, bloated, by me; bathing, I briefly thought, bizarrely, and all washed up, and off, and away, as if, seemingly, fresh, and new; and this my own dear child, this baby, blue, but still no strength for me to take, or hold this baby, mine, again, to beating heart, my breast; for this, my child, is dead; and I, myself, now, as one, as if, awash, and again, new born, in newborn’s screaming, selfish, dim lit, heartbeat, beating, fearful, drum, and dreaming, now, only, of my own, dear father, mother, sister, brother, home.

(One day a sanctuary, I thought, named home.)

(And come now home, come home.)

(And make yourself at home.)

(And be at home.)

And then, in all the dreamlike, nightmare, unfamiliarity of it, lost, disorientated, drowning, and delusional, something strange, occurred, most strange of all.

In this, my darkened vision’s final breath, my death; for this tiny child, my baby, floating off; I see, is, somehow, also, me.

This baby, too, is, somehow, also, me, I see, is you.

And I, then, in death, who sees, my breaking heart, my child, am He.

(For in dying, all eternity.)

And oh, my God.
And oh, my God.
And oh, my God.

God, can it be?

© Bede Nix, 26 September 2018. All rights reserved.
(Once In (Fortress) Europa – If Not A Promised Land, Betrayed)

And I Call It Here Love
And how extraordinary, truly extraordinary, then, in a way, and wonderful, to boast a heart so exquisitely tender–although it pains me, too, to say so, frankly speaking–speaking–speaking, speaking simply, from the heart, and from the heart that’s been so cruelly, fiercely, tenderized–and tender, then, that is, this heart, not only, from, one night, lonely–no–but rather, from many, and from many, many, many, lonely nights–so many nights, and days, and weeks, and months, and years–this heart, then, marinating, I’d say, as if in recall, recollection, and remembering, in what seemed to me a dark, floating, formless, liquid, loneliness, bleeding solitude, such that, this, and only this, this perfect you, this you, this only you, before me, suddenly, in moment’s fleeting beauty, all too brief, too exquisitely, painfully, sweetly, brief, your smile, breathing life, in passing, poetry, pressed, upon my lips, and kind, and gentle, gaze, in light of blinking eye, as if a promise, eternal, in lonely, longing, sigh, as if, of bliss, beyond the sky.

And how, then, I loved you, once, my love;
And how, then, I loved you, once, my love;
And how, then, I loved you, once, my love;
And how I love you, still.

Again out of sight;
Always out of sight;
Out of sight, but not, of mind.

(Out of my mind.)

And I call it here love, my heart, in thought of you, a joy.

© Bede Nix, 4 October 2018. All rights reserved.

In Silence, Still
Hanging there, alone,
He asked, himself, again, and again,
(The repetition, strangely restful)
If he were perhaps the one,
The one, the one, the one,
The one and only, to hear,
His desperate cry,
This night, so dark,
So very dark,
And lonely.

And am I not, then, the loneliest man alive?
And am I not, then, the loneliest man alive?
And am I not, then, the loneliest man alive?

But in reply, came only silence, loud,
In echo, shrill,
As if his cry itself had gone unsounded,
Or, at least,
Again, once more,
Unheard.

But something returned to him, in the stillness, even so;
A thought.

And, dwelling, long, in this thought,
He opened, wide, his lonely heart,
And found there, in solitude,
A solitude, so vast,
That he made of it a home,
At last,
For all who wished to rest there, for a while,
In love’s quiet whisper, welcoming,
Every
Passing
One

And alone, he thought, no more.
And alone, he thought, no more.
And alone, he thought, no more.

In silence, still.

© Bede Nix, 4 October 2018. All rights reserved.

Like This, Divine
No one can reach me now–
Not even in thought,
A heart’s fleeting impulse, feeling,
For I float far out, alone,
(In agony, in ecstasy–in ecstasy again–again, in agony)
In sea of emotion,
Upon an ocean,
Of tears, that,
Human, once, they were,
And so I sense, there,
I feel,
I see,
So far above me,
Welling up,
In Heaven’s sky,
My lonely eye,
Like this, Divine.

© Bede Nix, 4 October 2018. All rights reserved.

Heart to Heart
I sing from the heart.
I sing from the heart, my love.
I sing from the heart, my love, to you.

And sing, I must.
And sing, to you, I must.
And sing, to you, my heart, this night, I must, my love.
And sing, to you, I must.
And sing, I must.
And sing, I simply must.
And shall.

My love
My love
My love

And sing to you, then, this night, I must, and shall, for my heart’s fit, crying out, to burst – fit, simply, crying out, to burst – as if my life, my very life, depended on it.

For I’ve been singing to you, softly, so softly, from afar, now, seemingly, for eternities.

And the nights, and the days, life, going, on, and on, were, like eternity, this time, alone, in longing, too long, too long, too lonely; and that, by far.

Until to music, in song, my heart, finally, this night, cries out; and begins to cry out, and hand of thought, at last, to open, and let go, and all emotions, pent up, hardened, and heavy, in anger, despair, sadness, sorrow, to flow and, liberated, to go lightly, now, and easily, away, from me, and us, quite simply, and simply to go away, from me, from us, and simply to go, from me, from us, and simply to go, such that, in singing, and singing, and singing, so much emotion, freed, at last, in vocation’s sounded voice, and in music, sounding, song.

And if needs be, needs be; and if needs be, must.

(Although this present night, paradoxically, may not now be long enough – never long enough – for sure, too short – for this lovely new line of melody, and sweet-sounding song, going on).

And sing, then, I must, I shall, with all my heart, and soul, as if, in this, this breath of inspiration, too, to open, and, at once, to close, my song, in sigh, a breath, a breath, of inspiration, my inspiration, my final inspiration, at the last and, in last, final, breath, at last, to die; and if, then, to die, then to dedicate all my life to it, in this, heart’s inspiration, sounding, my love, to sing, this night, to you, I surely must, or must, to die.

And let me, weeping, weep your tears for you, too, for you;
And let me cry, instead of you,
And let me cry, my love, for you,
And in this way I’ll wash clean away, in oceans of tears, not only this, my own heart’s loneliness, and sadness, but also yours; yours, too; yours too, as well.

And let’s listen, now.
Listen, now.
Let’s listen.

And come, my love, and place your hand, here, warm, upon my heart, and then your ear; and then, with your own heart, draw near, and nearer, still, my love, in love’s embrace, and this, forever open heart, my heart, for you, to be, forever, a dwelling place, a sanctuary, a home.

And can you hear now this, my heart’s story, and song?

And this, my heart’s story, and song, I tell, and sing, my love, to you, and you only – for you are it — and it, is you — heart calling:

Open!
And be opened to me!
And be opened to me!
And be opened up to me, then, my heart, my love,
And be opened up to me, wildly, and in freedom, heart’s, surrender, enjoined, with me, this night, in blood of my heart, my heart, my love, in dance, and song, as wine, divine,

Your hand, in mine
Your heart, in mine
Your voice, in mine

My hand, your hand
My heart, your heart
My voice, your voice

As one —

And sing now, let’s, together,
For before this night ends, my love, you’ll hear, my heart, how our two hearts, singing together, may sound, as one;
So sing on, my love, with me, my heart, my heart, to heart, my heart, my love, sing on;
And by morning, we’ll be as reborn, you and I, refreshed, anew; and tender, gentle, sweet, and true.

And, my love, by morning, we’ll be married, too.

© Bede Nix, 16 October 2018. All rights reserved.

(My heart, and ears, once again in Anatolia; with deep gratitude to the wonderful music and song of Canan Domurcakli, with Ozan Cagdas’ underlying harmony; and with my very warm appreciation, too, to Alain Bittar of l’Olivier Arabic Cultural Centre for organizing and hosting another wonderful “soirée musicale”; thank you.)

I Saw You Too
I saw you too, in beauty’s fluid, fleeting, eye; but then a blink, and gone. A heartbeat, perhaps; no more. And I parted momentarily my lips, so dry, and thirsty, as if, at once, to speak. But no sound, loudly, came; and soft sigh’s whispered, lonely, cry, was all I heard, in passing by. All eternity, even so, fell upon me, there, and then, like a fountain, stream, and river, to carry me, at such great speed, far out, to swooning sea; and in ocean’s happiness, ocean’s sadness, this heavy heart, in time, like polished stone, washed clean, one day, at last, my love, to be.

© Bede Nix, 29 October 2018. All rights reserved.

A World of Beauty - Walking Mantra
(Eyes down, in thought, a walk).

A world of beauty.
A world of beauty.
A world of beauty.

A world of beauty, quite simply.

A world of beauty.
A world of beauty.
A world of beauty.

That’s all.

© Bede Nix, 20 August 2018. All rights reserved.

In Beauty, Breathing, Being, Be
In beauty –

Breathing, being, be.

Breathing, being, be.

Breathing, being, be.

(Be)

Beauty, breathing, in sun’s new day’s morning light,

(Be)

Beauty, breathing, in sun’s new day’s morning warmth,

(Be)

Beauty, breathing, in sun’s new day’s morning sound,

In lapping waves,
————– music

As if in echo, answer, to light’s singular vibration,
Coming, from far, afar, so far,
Such distance,
Such, that, our imaginations, great–not yet, quite, great, enough,
And barely, still, imaginable,
To me, to you,
As if, still, unreachable,
Yet somehow, still, reaching, out, now, there, to here, now, somehow, still,
This light, in species, so, from longing, eternal,
And the infinitely far, drawing, infinitely, near,
My love, come, hold me, please, now, close, and dear, and
Breathing, being, be.

Breathing, being, be.

Breathing, being, be.

Breathing, being, be.

In lapping waves,
————– music

And all this motion, emotion, but
An ocean, vast, of
Being
Breathing,
Be

And – I too – this morning, bright – this fresh-eyed day – breathing, seemingly, sound, in sight – appear
– gently, gradually – slowly, surely –
Again, to be, becoming, human, being, be,

And yet –

How strange, once more, as if,
In mirror’s light,

This human shape,
This human form,
This human life,
This human path,
This human way,

To come, again, this day, and
New day’s morning light, and warmth, and sound, and sight
– Glorious, quite simply – and simply, sublime –
And a vision,
Somehow,
Suddenly,
In blinking,
Awakened,
Light, in eye,
Divine,
To breathe, in beauty,
In so much beauty,
And in beauty,
Beauty,
Breathing,
In.

(And)

To breathe, in beauty,

(And)

To breathe, in, beauty,

(And)

To breathe in beauty,

(And)

In so much beauty,

Breathing, being, be.

And,
In time,
Still,
Too,
New day,
Today,
This beauty, breathing, being, be,
Enjoy,
In joy,
Enjoy,
In joy,
To sing.

© Bede Nix, 15 December 2018. All rights reserved.

Thought Sounds Simply So
And this, then, I do.

I always trust, and follow, and flow with — simply, sensing, now — and so subtly — my own, one, now — so subtle, inner, sense — and call it, then — my intuition, if you will.

(And yes, I will.)

And I always trust, and follow, and flow with, and express, my feeling.
And I always trust, and follow, and flow with, and express, and share, my inspiration, and passion — compassion.
And, in this way, then, I always trust, and follow, and flow with, and express, and live out, and realize, completely, this, my dream, of life.

In confidence, trust, and faith.

And I always trust, and follow, and flow with, and express, and share, and live out, and realize, my intuition, my feeling, my inspiration, passion, compassion, and this, my life, my dream.
And I trust, and have confidence, completely, in my clear, inner, sense, and, inner, truth.
And I believe in myself; have faith.

And this, then, I do.

For

Thought
Sounds
Simply
So

Thought
Sounds
Simply
So

Thought
Sounds
Simply
So

And

Open eyes
Now gently closing
Gently closed

Open eyes
Now gently closing
Gently closed

Open eyes
Now gently closing
Gently closed

To

Be
Breathe
In

Be
Breathe
In

Be
Breathe
In

To

Be, breathe in, believe in (belief)

To

Be, breathe in, believe in (belief)

To

Be, breathe in, believe in (belief)

Be breathe in, believe in, believing, belief
Be breathe in, believe in, believing, belief
Be breathe in, believe in, believing, belief

Be breathe in, believe in, believing, be living, belief
Be breathe in, believe in, believing, be living, belief
Be breathe in, believe in, believing, be living, belief

In confidence, trust, and faith (belief)
In confidence, trust, and faith (belief)
In confidence, trust, and  faith (belief)

Confidence, trust, and faith (believe)

In confidence, trust, and faith (belief)

And

Be
Breathe in
Breathing
In

And

Be
Breathe in
Breathing
In

And

Be
Breathe in
Breathing
In

And

Open eyes
Now gently closing
Gently closed

And

Thought, now, letting, go

And

Thought, now, sounding, so

Thought letting go
Thought sounding
Thought simply
Thought so

Hand opening
Heart opening
Mind opening
Expanding

And

In breathing, simply
Simply, simply, simply
Simply
So

For

Thought
Sounds
Simply
So

© Bede Nix, 22 December 2018. All rights reserved.

Into Your Hands
“Like the back of my hands”, as the saying goes.

And i catch myself sometimes thinking it, and sometimes saying it; and I’ve heard you say it, too, I think, and not just sometimes, but often; at least, I think so. So I think that we both of us know, now, full well, that, when we speak, of knowing … we speak … of knowing … well, what .. and that … of knowing, what, then, well? … if not … not knowing what, that, this, then, is, that — “it” — a this, a that … some, place, some, thing … what? … or, more curiously, of knowing “them” (as if one ever could) … who? … a person, perhaps … presenting, male, or female, he, or she … or I … or you … okay … so that we know, then, that … or that we know that, then … and that we know … it … or them … or you … or I … and … just like this, then … just like that … so to speak … and … just like the back of our hands …

And now I turn to you my hands; here, gently, take them, my hands, in yours; and, if you look at them carefully, these hands, long, and hard enough … and well, I wonder … would you come then fully to know, and to understand, and to read me, like, a book, and to be then attuned to me, in harmony, and at home with me, would you think? Or, taking your hand, now, in mine, I, you?

And so, supposing, then, that, in this way, I do come, then, really, to know, and to understand you, and you, me … just like the back … held gently … of our own hands … and these, my hands … and these, your hands … own hands … as if here extended, in friendship … and as if there held, now, tenderly, and dear … in thought … and in mind … your hands … in mine …

And turn, now, my friend … turn, and turn, and … turn, then… twirling, swirling … around … and around … as in a dance … a choreography, circling, in here, then, these, these dancing thoughts, these dancing hands …

And, slowing down, now, too, in turn, and turning back, little by little, to the matter, stirring, in hand, and so to please, and so to please me, here, love, and to please me here love, and to please me here love, again, and to love again, and to do love, too, again, your lovely face … as it’s appearing here, so beautiful … now … and here now, so handsome … turned, towards me; and do come lend a hand; do help me think this through; and let’s together, do.

For the answer, my friend, and the solution, is surely here, at hand; at hand, still, surely, here, in these, these hands, of nature’s mind.

And still now, still, and still … for still now we’ve time; and still some time, on our hands; still time; for these, our hands, our hands, are hands of time, and history — story — time — yours, and mine — ticking, beating … pulsating, too, our time … like heart’s clock’s mortal, finite, human, time; and your hand, your hour hand, and minute hand, ticking along, tick-tock, tick-tock, in second, by second; and like the sands of time, slipping, slipping, slipping, through, one’s fingers; and the sands, and shores, and the lands, and seas, and the suns, and skies, sailing us, passing, by, on watery time’s deep rippling oars, in rhythm, repeatedly, again, and again; and in mind’s fluid, floating, ocean, in inky wave, of blue, then wave, of black; and this hand, that; and either, either, hand; now, taken, and shaken; in hands on, in hands off; in hands down, in hands up; so that, taking life now in your own hands, be now a free hand, hand picked; and strengthening a hand; and sharing a hand; and extending a hand; and giving a hand; and joining now hands; and holding hands; and hand in hand; and hand upon hand; and hand upon heart; and healing hands.

And it’s as if the knowledge were somehow, somewhere, hidden, here, then, at hand, and simply concealed here, in plain sight, or else absorbed, maybe, into the skin, perhaps, in flesh, of hand, and ingrained there, invisible, to naked eye, and in hand’s here visionary, all-seeing, eye’s, awareness, in time, invisible, warm, like flowing sand, through fingers, relaxed, and free, like mine, there, here, where the ocean’s distracting, vast, and the sun’s light’s blinding, brilliant.

And, upon this, the length, now, here, of your breath’s stroke, extended, you move me, reading, thoughts, to thinking, what, that, this, the land, hand written, out, of love’s attention, home, so warm, and comforting; and like the gentle summer’s hint of breeze, this breath, this breadth, this breath, of thought, in open hand, and open heart, and open, this, then, too, this hand, and this, then, too, this hand, this hand, of thought, of opened thought; and, hand shaking free, so free, hands free, this hand, of tension, all tension, and, all, anxiety, hands up, surrendered; such that, these, then, now, our hands, now fully opened, and relaxed, turn, an eye, to take, and dwell, in them, do, if but a moment, there, in peace, and to discover, there, then, and to read, there, then, too, in our palms, in our hands, as in a mirror, clear, just, such, immensities, simply, so, of such energy, intelligence, and beauty, expanded, extended, extreme, to our extremities, and to our branch-like fingers, spread, and to our leaf-like fingertips, light leafing, reaching, out, into the world, to touch, to touch, to feel, to touch, reach out, and touch, and feel, the world, ourselves, and you, then, here, and now, and now, then, me.

And … you know, then … how it is … when something you needed, or wished for, simply seems suddenly to fall into your hands, as if from the heavens above … as if, the sky … for …

Here, then, you are; here too, am I.

And here; here, take my hand.

Let’s trust for why.

© Bede Nix, 9 January 2019. All rights reserved.

And It All Began With You
And it all began with you; with you, in mind.

And a cosmos, as if, contained, in this, your breath — so that, in this, then, breathing — well — and — well, finding, then, in this — finding, then, in this — this, single, singular, breath — this, then, that — one — finds — here — finds here, too — this — this inspiration, we — and, in inspiration, then — in inspiration, drawing, then — and, in inspiration, drawing, these — and these, these too — these too, my parted lips, and tender tongue, on — one — one time, then, once more, again — to speak, to sing — and these, these, too, my eyes, to see — and these — these, too — these hands, to take a pen, and write — these words — and, well, finding, drawing, me — in breathless, impatient, panting, eager, breath — my heart, my I — in love — to love — so, I am — for you, and — to you, and — with you, and — in you — you, only — only — you.

And so that, in these, then — in these — these, too — these lips, this tongue — these eyes — these hands, these words — this heart — uplifted, and — in this, love’s longing glance, and loving gaze — lifted, upwards, unthinking, unblinking — unblinking, time — in moment’s unthinking haste — and taste, eternity — then, and there; here, and now — an ocean, open, vast — in heart’s beat, beating, fleeting, first, to last — and then, to open, truly — and, truly seeing, then — were now, as now, now were — in this, in this — a sparkling glimpse, my love, divine, of this — of you.

And so, then, that — in love’s gaze, longing, lifted, lightly, upwards — were these, then, seeing, seemingly, my eyes — but if for a moment — and — for the first, and only, time — always, time — were fully, truly, opened — and fully, truly, seeing — heart’s ocean, open, vast — and looking up, the sun, the sky — and my spirits, lifted, too — in sparkling glimpse, this fleeting moment’s glance, unthinking — unblinking, time — of seeing — you.

Always.

And yet, if looking out, and out, and out, in words, into, worlds, outside, or in, and in, and into, words, and worlds, within, towards, my own, true, inner, self — a dream, this we, this me, must be — and — this, then, that — I knew — yet knew not, neither, too, nor understood, nor ever truly could, nor would, nor should — as now, in this — in this, this vision — vision — now — and — vision — seeming bliss — in seeing — you.

And so it was, then — then, that, in these — in these, your eyes, so bright, and beautiful, and in this, then, this, this such sweet smile, beaming, blinding, bright, that this, then, this, the sun’s own brightness, seemed, then, somehow, there, beside you, slight, and, secondary, and, blushing, even, too, as if, too shy, too shy, too shy, and shied away — or so, at least, time’s memory — fading, fathoms, deep, and deeper, still, for, ever, always, after — afterwards — and fumbling, after, words — or so, then, seemed it, so — or so, then, seemed it, so, as if, through you, a way — it seemed, as if, through you, a way — through you a way — it seemed, at least, to me.

And my eyes, then — then, and now, and there, and here — here bathed, then, now — there, in oceans — open, vast, and deep — heart’s memory and, seeking love, then losing — I — I, too, I too, at least, at last — at least, at last, at least, at last — I too, at least, at last — at last, at last, to finding — you.

And these — these, too — these, too, these words, I write — these, too, these words — began, right here, with you; and this, then, why — this, then, the reason — this, then, the reason, why — I kneel, before you, now, and thank you.

Inspired, this day, once more, by Arabic language, and culture;
Inspired, this day, once more, by Arabic poetry, literature, philosophy, and art.
Inspired, this day, once more, by Ibn Al-Arabi.
Inspired, this day, once more, by You.
And always.

© Bede Nix, 16 January 2019. All rights reserved.

The Question, That Is
Does this thought — this thought, that, thinking, here, and now, you are — deeply relaxed — in — relaxation’s — boundless — bliss — into stillness — into stillness, sounding, silence, simply — sounding silence, still, to be; and that is, does this thought, this thought, that, is, your, mind, be, still, still, stillness, sounding, silence; and that is, does this thought, simply, still, sound silence, so?

If not, then breathe, once more, more deeply, deeply, still; be mindful — mindful, be; and, mind open, mindful, mind it, not; just let it go; let it all go; for silent, stillness, drawing, near, in face, to face, and heart, to heart, sounds, simply, this, that, here, and now, at last, at last, my love, with you, I am, at last, at last, to be.

© Bede Nix, 23 January 2019. All rights reserved.

This Heart, In Love, Be Still
A great and mighty tree from tiny seed may sometimes grow, when soil and climate – light, water, air– the right place, the right time – and all necessary conditions – for it, are favourable, propitious, optimal, supportive, nourishing. And such a tree, with roots branched deeply and elongated, far, into earth below, stands firm and solid, well anchored in its ground and, from within its own vast, organic, field, of energy – great abundance of life – such a tree grows tall, and strong, swaying gently, this way, and that, in life’s many winds of change, as in a dance, in branches, arms, and leaves, of light, from day, to night, all fanning out, and reaching upwards, and, opening, hands, to dwell in, bathe in – longing, light, of life – the sunlit, bright, brilliant, sky, as if, to touch – or, at least, let’s say, to try. And, in this way, such a tree, as this, which, now, I see, somehow, standing, here, with you, beside me, seems, in these lines’ sunlit, light, bright, brilliant, life, time – times – time’s story – to be – somehow, like this, in dwelling long, as if – somewhat, nearly, now – a lifetime’s company. And through, then, these, our many seasons, shared – shared winters, long, and hard, and cold – sweet spring, and hope, eternal – and summer’s endless skies, our hearts, forever, always – and wisdom, ageing golden, slowly, now, in this – this too – this gentle autumn light, attempting wise – and we together, somehow, still, upon these nights, so very, very, many –still, so few – too few – and through these days, likewise, now, uncountable – then were we, are we, still – and still so proud, and tall, to stand – and stand there, still – until – one day – someday – soon – perhaps – hope not, but still – at last – this day, that day, who knows? – you too, perhaps – you too, great tree of life – my love – you too, one day, I fear, you too, to fall; you too, one day, to fall. For even the very greatest and most mighty tree, in death its life does dwell – as, secretly, and unspoken, well, we know; and, secretly, and unspoken, well, we know, as if, too true, one day, alone, again, to fear, for now, to be.

And …

How can I, then?

And this – these lines, these words – but just a tear to wet the earth; a line of poetry, perhaps – no more; a word, seed, planted here, upon this page, as if in search, salvation’s light, of solace, hope. And this, then, a time of need, that’s all, asking:

How can I, then, go on?

Yet …

Go on …

Can I … ?

Will I … ?

Yes, yet; be still.

And these words, now, winter’s waiting, to see, one hopes, in us, again, a spring.

Or so, at least, one hopes.

One hopes.

One hopes.

This heart, in love; be still.

© Bede Nix, 10 May 2019. All rights reserved.

Words Unheeded, And Thoughts, Unheard, Elsewhere
And a person who has only a limited – perhaps a very limited – capacity, to listen, is a person, surely, who has only a limited – and perhaps a very limited – capacity, to hear, and to understand.

(And so you find yourself either repeating everything, over, and again, in louder voice, to no avail; or else, loud in resignation, and defeat, you find yourself lapsing, exhausted, entirely, into silence, deafening.)

And a person who has only a limited – perhaps a very limited – capacity, to listen, is a person, surely, who has only a limited – and perhaps a very limited – capacity, to hear, and to understand; but, faced, and at once affronted, by such a person, you succeed, then, in keeping, sagely, even so, your tongue, quite still, at rest, mouth closed, and lips, now, firmly, sealed; and, instead, then, of losing, squandering, wasting, your words, you simply, patiently, courteously, rather sweetly, indeed, adopt, now, a smile, soft-eyed, and gentle, still, and, as if, all were, in advance, all things considered, by you, forgiven, in any case, and even so – and yes – yes, even this – and even that – that too, as well – as well you know; and so, from half a sigh, you breathe in, deeply, gently, slowly, through the nose, and then, through the nose, and ever so slowly, gently, you, yourself, breathing, breathe, emptying, entirely, out, now, fully; and, breathing out, exhaling, you begin, then, now, so slowly, so ever so slowly, subtly, to release, now, then, your inspiration, here, such that, your energy, all your energy, then flowing, and expanding, powerfully, out, and out, and out, and, as if, then, to hold, now, nothing, back, such that, of all you have, you release, entirely, and, entirely, let go; and, in this way, you come, then, to know yourself, both emptied, as nothing, and completely complete, completed – as, here, now, there, you go, and, as, here, now, there, you let go, and, as, here, now, there, you let it all go and, letting go, and, letting it all go, quite simply, and, quite simply, simply letting it all go, you come, then, to recall, then, there, to here, to now, yourself, your own true self, relaxed, entirely – and released, let go – and – no tension, no irritation, no anger, any more – no more of that – for here, now, you are – are now we – again, so completely, so entirely, free; and, in silence, saying, then, quite simply, no more, then, now, than, simply, nothing, here, to this person, standing, there, before, you, who has, seemingly, such a limited – such a very limited – capacity – to listen – and this person, standing there, before you, who has, then, seemingly, such a limited – such a very limited – capacity – to hear, and to understand; and so, in such bright light of understanding – dim light of such a one – and – quite simply, solid, steadfast, still – and ever so quietly, reservedly, deservedly, resolutely, in your quietness, and in your silence, silently, in silent sanctuary – peaceful, calm – you, as if, surrendered, and resigned, now here, remain; and from here, then, there, to this, that person, rude – not listening, not hearing, not understanding, and, in this way, not being, even, in the slightest bit, present, to you – and to them, in short, short shrift, you turn away, and leave, likewise, nothing, but your absence, absolute; and so, not saying – tongue still, mouth closed, lips firmly sealed – you wish this person well, upon their journey, now, to elsewhere, far from sight, and mind – forgotten, indeed, already – gone!

And a person who has only a limited – perhaps a very limited – capacity, to listen, is a person, surely, who has only a limited – and perhaps a very limited – capacity, to hear, and to understand.

(And so you find yourself either repeating everything, over, and again, in louder voice, to no avail; or else, loud in resignation, and defeat, you find yourself lapsing, exhausted, entirely, into silence, deafening.)

And what was that you were saying?

(Silence, deafening.)

© Bede Nix, 17 May 2019. All rights reserved.

Some Peace of Mind, Maybe, Perhaps, One Day
And in that silence, then, it was – maybe – that, this day, too, tired through, and paper thin – from – which, where, what, and when – and who – I thought – therein, in – formless, formed – a word – somehow, somewhere, someone – in this – to be – to there, to start, to, starting, start, towards – again, once more, no more – no one – no more, once more, again – at least, so seeming – and – so, seeming, so – to be, beginning, begetting, being, be, then – in this – in this, my end – my end – in this, now, night, where here, I’m listening – leaning, in – and – patience – trying – silence, sounded, cried – to think, away –  think through – through thinking, thoughts, these thoughts – too many – and not wanting – no more, any – any, more – these thinking, thoughts, in thoughts, to thought, as thought – be thought – through thought, thought through – a way, my mind, to thought, these thoughts, as thought, through thought, are thought away – my mind, away –  and – thrown, away, a, way, my mind, to thought, to think it through – loud, anxious, clamorous, clamouring – jingling, jangling – thoughts, unthinking – thinking – mind – and – turning – tuning – sound, silent, softly, so – like this, your kiss – in this – in this – in this – in this – vibration, quietly, deep, in eerie, hearing, ringing – as if a song, once sung, once singing – and earning – learning – hearing – fearing – freeing — finding – there – where – were – you – were you – you – not you – you too – once more, again – in writing, written, words, through words, no words, words through – in this, that silence – writes – and writes out, still, once more, again, in language, quiet, and inspiration, quite – not quite – quite, nearly, knew – and ink, here, then, invisible – empty, simply, silent, still, in – meaning – mindless – minded – mind – here melted, moulded, melded – blank – into – onto – upon – within – one mind – a mind – one mind – mind’s memory, and memory’s milky, moon-like, page, so pale, and paper thin, this end of day, tired through – and too tired, too – and too much, too, too tired, for that – that too, too much – too tired – to read back, slowly – which, where, what, when – who? – she asks, he asks – to whom? – who she, who he – who you – who me – to please, be, pleasing, here, itself, once more – no more, and more, again – like these, my thoughts, on thoughts, on thoughts, on thoughts, upon, my thoughts, in silent, vanquished, vanishing, lines, invisible – as if, all, this, a search, for meaning, sound, or sign – someone, somewhere, somehow – now – of peace – through thinking, thoughts, these thoughts – some peace – through thought, thought, through – of – silence – mind – some peace of mind – some peace of mind, maybe, perhaps – some peace of mind, maybe, perhaps, one day – one day – one day. Relax, then, my friend; rest quietly. And in this silence, let us, mindful, be. We’ll find a way.

© Bede Nix, 18 May 2019, Blue Flowering Moon. All rights reserved.

Heartbeat Time
Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.

Listen—only–listen—listen—listen

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

Listening—listening—listening—listening—listening.

To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.

To learn—to listen—to hear—your beating heart.

Listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart.

Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.

Listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart.

To learn—to listen—to hear—your beating heart.

To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

Listening—listening—listening—listening—listening.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn—to listen—to hear—your beating heart.

Listen—only–—listen—listen—listen.

Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.

“Cardiac coherence” , I’ve heard it called; another word that may, perhaps, serve well—serve just as well, maybe, perhaps — courage, in, your hands—open, up – and, open, out – is confidence.

Hand, then, in hand—and heart to heart—our hearts—in this, this ocean, heart, of love, divine—in rhythm, in harmony, in time.

And together, simply, being, be.

And together, being, be.

And

Being, be

Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.

(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)

Heartbeat
Heartbeat
Heartbeat

And in time’s beating heart; and in heartbeat’s, beating, time.

In being, be.

Beating, –heart

Beating, –heart

Beating, beating

Heart.

In time, of time, to time.

And

One step.

One breath.

One thought.

One thing.

At a time.

And in courage, in confidence, breathing, beating, being, heartbeat, be.

And in confidence, being, be.

And be, being

Being, be

Being, be

Being, be

And

One step—heart—beat—at a time.

One breath—heart—beat—at a time.

One thought—heart—beat—at a time.

One thing—heart—beat—at a time.

And

One step—my heart—at a time.

One breath—my heart—at a time.

One thought—my heart—at a time.

One thing—my heart—at a time.

And

One step—heart—beat—at a time.

One breath—heart—beat—at a time.

One thought—heart—beat—at a time.

One thing—heart—beat—at a time.

And

One step.

One breath.

One thought.

One thing.

At a time, in time, to time.

And in courage, in confidence, breathing, beating, being, heartbeat, be.

And in confidence, being, be.

Be

Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.

(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time).

Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.

Being, be.

Beating, –heart
Beating, –heart
Beating, beating

Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.

Listen—only–listen—listen—listen .

To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.

Listening—listening—listening—listening—listening.

Listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart.

Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.

And listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart.

To learn—to listen—to hear—your beating heart.

To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.

Listening—listening—listening—listening—listening.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to heal–your beating heart.

To learn—to listen—to hear—your beating heart.

Listen—only–listen—listen—listen .

Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.

And heart to heart—our hearts—in this, this ocean, heart, of love, divine—in rhythm, in harmony, in time.

And together, simply, being, be.

And together, being, be.

Being, be

And

Seconds, minutes, hours; nights, and days; so many, too few.

And each second, minute, hour, each night, each day, a match, to light, in vision, a flame, to start—in company, and change—a fire, ablaze, to catch, to spread, to travel, far, in blazing light, expanding.

And this, then—perhaps, maybe—to love.

To telling, to time, to beating, hearts, our beating, hearts.

In

Heartbeat’s

Beating

Time

Heart, hearing, prayer.

And

Our hearts, in love, aflame.

Our hearts, in love, divine.

 

© Bede Nix, 8 March 2019. All rights reserved.

Our Hearts, In Love, Divine
Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.

Listen—only–listen—listen—listen

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

Listening—listening—listening—listening—listening.

To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.

To learn—to listen—to hear—your beating heart.

Listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart.

Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.
Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.
Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.

Listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart.

To learn—to listen—to hear—your beating heart.

To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

Listening—listening—listening—listening—listening.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.

Listen—only–—listen—listen—listen.

Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.

“Cardiac coherence” , I’ve heard it called; another word that may, perhaps, serve well—serve just as well, maybe, perhaps — courage, in, your hands—open, up – and, open, out – is confidence.

Hand, then, in hand—and heart to heart—our hearts—in this, this ocean, heart, of love, divine—in rhythm, in harmony, in time.

And together, simply, being, be.

And together, being, be.

And

Being, be

Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.

(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)

Heartbeat
Heartbeat
Heartbeat

And in time’s beating heart; and in heartbeat’s, beating, time.

In being, be.

Beating, –heart

Beating, –heart

Beating, beating

Heart.

In time, of time, to time.

And

One step.

One breath.

One thought.

One thing.

At a time.

And in courage, in confidence, breathing, beating, being, heartbeat, be.

And in confidence, being, be.

And be, being

Being, be

Being, be

Being, be

And

One step—heart—beat—at a time.

One breath—heart—beat—at a time.

One thought—heart—beat—at a time.

One thing—heart—beat—at a time.

And

One step—my heart—at a time.

One breath—my heart—at a time.

One thought—my heart—at a time.

One thing—my heart—at a time.

And

One step—heart—beat—at a time.

One breath—heart—beat—at a time.

One thought—heart—beat—at a time.

One thing—heart—beat—at a time.

And

One step.

One breath.

One thought.

One thing.

At a time, in time, to time.

And in courage, in confidence, breathing, beating, being, heartbeat, be.

And in confidence, being, be.

Be

Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.

(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time).

Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.

Being, be.

Beating, –heart
Beating, –heart
Beating, beating

Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.

Listen—only–listen—listen—listen .

To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.

Listening—listening—listening—listening—listening.

Listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart.

Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.
Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.
Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.

Listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart.

To learn—to listen—to hear—your beating heart.

To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.

Listening—listening—listening—listening—listening.

To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn—listen—heal—your beating heart.

Listen—only–listen—listen—listen .

Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.

And “cardiac coherence” , I’ve heard it called; another word that may, perhaps, serve well—serve just as well, maybe, perhaps—courage, in, your hands—open, up—and, open, out—is confidence.

And hand, then, in hand—and heart to heart—our hearts—in this, this ocean, heart, of love, divine—in rhythm, in harmony, in time.

And together, simply, being, be.

And together, being, be.

Being, be

And

Seconds, minutes, hours; nights, and days; so many, too few.

And each second, minute, hour, each night, each day, a match, to light, in vision, a flame, to start—in company, and change—a fire, ablaze, to catch, to spread, to travel, far, in blazing light, expanding.

And this, then—perhaps, maybe—to love.

To telling, to time, to beating, hearts, our beating, hearts.

In

Heartbeat’s

Beating

Time

Heart, hearing, prayer.

And

Our hearts, in love, aflame.

Our hearts, in love, divine.

 

© Bede Nix, 8 March 2019. All rights reserved.

One Heart, In Love, Aflame
Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.
Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.
Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.

Listen—listen—only–listen—listen.
Listen—listen—only–listen—listen.
Listen—listen—only–listen—listen.

To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

Listening—listening—listening—listening—listening.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.
To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.
To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.

To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.

Listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart.

Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.
Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.
Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.

Listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart; listen to your heart.

To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.

To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.
To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.
To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

Listening—listening—listening—listening—listening.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.

Listen—listen—only–listen—listen.
Listen—listen—only–listen—listen.
Listen—listen—only–listen—listen.

Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.
Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.
Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.

“Cardiac coherence” , I’ve heard it called; another word that may, perhaps, serve well—serve just as well, maybe, perhaps—being courageous—taking courage, in, your hands—is confidence.

Confidence—confidence—confidence—confidence—confidence.

Such that, the air, now, we’re breathing–fresh air, more or less–more or less, for free–here, together—you, and me—(we)—is this—this telling, in time, of time, to time, and—and, this, this telling, in time, of time, to time, and—and, this, this telling, in time, of time, to time—two beating hearts, to beating hearts—two beating hearts—to beating hearts, two beating hearts—to beating hearts; in but a heartbeat, fleeting, swift, upon time; and but a heartbeat, fleeting, swift, upon time; in but a heartbeat, fleeting, swift, upon time; on time, in time, of time, to time—on time, in time, of time, to time—on time, in time, of time, to time—time; time; time; time; time; time; time; time; time–beating hearts, to beating hearts—two beating hearts—to beating hearts, beating hearts—to beating hearts–here, nearing, hearing, home—dear you, to me—to we—at last, to being, be; and attuning, now, our hearts—heart to heart—our hearts—in this, this ocean, heart, of love, divine—in rhythm, in harmony, in time.

And together, simply, being, be.

And together, being, be.

So

Being, be

Be

Be

Be

And

Being, be

Being, be

Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.

(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)

(In) (Heartbeat) (Time)

(In) (Heartbeat) (Time)

(In) (Heartbeat) (Time)

(In) (Heartbeat) (Time)

(In) (Heartbeat) (Time)

And

Time.

Time.

Time.

Time.

Time.

In time’s beating heart; in heartbeat’s, beating, time.

Time.

Time.

Time.

Time.

Time.

And

(In) (Heartbeat) (Time)

(In) (Heartbeat) (Time)

(In) (Heartbeat) (Time)

(In) (Heartbeat) (Time)

(In) (Heartbeat) (Time)

(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)
(Heartbeat) (Time)

Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.

In being, being, be.

Be

Beating, –heart

Beating, –heart

Beating, beating

Heart.

In time, of time, to time.

And in courage, in confidence, breathing, beating, being, heartbeat, be.

And

One step.

One breath.

One thought.

One thing.

At a time.

In courage, and confidence, being, be.

And

One step.

One breath.

One thought.

One thing.

At a time.

In courage, being, be.

And

One step.

One breath.

One thought.

One thing.

At a time.

In confidence, being, be.

Be

Be

Be, being

Being, be

And

One step, at a time.

One breath, at a time.

One thought, at a time.

One thing, at a time.

One step at a time.

One breath at a time.

One thought at a time.

One thing at a time.

One, step at a time.

One, breath at a time.

One, thought at a time.

One, thing at a time.

One, step, at, a time.

One, breath, at, a time.

One, thought, at, a time.

One, thing, at, a time.

Being, be

Being, be

Being, be

And

One step.

One breath.

One thought.

One thing.

At a time, in time, to time.

And

In confidence, being, be.

Be

Be

Be

Being

Be

One step—heart—beat—at a time.

One breath—heart—beat—at a time.

One thought—heart—beat—at a time.

One thing—heart—beat—at a time.

Being, be

Being, be

Being, be

Be

One step—my heart—at a time.

One breath—my heart—at a time.

One thought—my heart—at a time.

One thing—my heart—at a time.

Being, be

One step—heart—beat—at a time.

One breath—heart—beat—at a time.

One thought—heart—beat—at a time.

One thing—heart—beat—at a time.

Being, be

Be

One step.

One breath.

One thought.

One thing.

At a time, in time, to time.

In confidence, being, be.

And, in confidence,

Being

Be

Being

Be

And in confidence, being, be.

One step at a time.

One breath at a time.

One thought at a time.

One thing at a time.

One step.

One breath.

One thought.

One thing.

At a time, in time, to time.

And in confidence, being, be.

Be

Be

Be

In confidence, being, be

Be

Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.

Being, be.

In time, to time.

Beating, –heart
Beating, –heart
Beating, beating

Heart.

Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.
Heartbeat.

And

One step

One breath

One thought

One look

One smile

One touch

One taste

One kiss—once more

Once more, my beating heart, in breathing joy, to sing—to sing—to sing, in breathing, joy, my beating heart, once more

One kiss — once more

One time

And what a time, of time, to time, in time

One time

Time still

In confidence, being, be.

Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.
Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.
Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.

Listen—listen—only–listen—listen .
Listen—listen—only–listen—listen .
Listen—listen—only–listen—listen .

To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.

Listening—listening—listening—listening—listening.

Listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart.

Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.
Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.
Learn, then, to listen, from here, to here, to hear, your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart—your, beating, heart.

Listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart ; listen to your heart.

To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—hear—your beating heart.

To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.
To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.
To learn, then, to listen, to hear, your heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.

Listening—listening—listening—listening—listening.

To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.

To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.
To learn–to listen–to hear–your beating heart.

To learn—listen—heal—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—heal—your beating heart.
To learn—listen—heal—your beating heart.

Listen—listen—only–listen—listen .
Listen—listen—only–listen—listen .
Listen—listen—only–listen—listen .

Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.
Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.
Heart—heart—heart—heart—heart.

“Cardiac coherence” , I’ve heard it called; another word that may, perhaps, serve well—serve just as well, maybe, perhaps—being courageous—taking courage, in, your hands—is confidence.

Confidence—confidence—confidence—confidence—confidence.

Such that, the air, now, we’re breathing–fresh air, more or less–more or less, for free–here, together—you, and me—(we)—is this—this telling, in time, of time, to time, and—and, this, this telling, in time, of time, to time, and—and, this, this telling, in time, of time, to time—two beating hearts, to beating hearts—two beating hearts—to beating hearts, two beating hearts—to beating hearts; in but a heartbeat, fleeting, swift, upon time; and but a heartbeat, fleeting, swift, upon time; in but a heartbeat, fleeting, swift, upon time; on time, in time, of time, to time—on time, in time, of time, to time—on time, in time, of time, to time—time; time; time; time; time; time; time; time; time–beating hearts, to beating hearts—two beating hearts—to beating hearts, beating hearts—to beating hearts–here, nearing, hearing, home—dear you, to me—to we—at last, to being, be; and attuning, now, our hearts—heart to heart—our hearts—in this, this ocean, heart, of love, divine—in rhythm, in harmony, in time.

And together, simply, being, be.

And together, being, be.

So

Being, be

And

Seconds, minutes, hours; nights, and days; so many, too few.

And each second, minute, hour, each night, each day, a match, to light, in vision, a flame, to start—in company, and change—a fire, ablaze, to catch, to spread, to travel, far, in blazing light, expanding—head held high, warm heart, aflame.

And this, then, love.

Telling, time, our beating, hearts.

Hearts
Hearts
Hearts
Hearts
Hearts

Telling

Heartbeat’s

Beating

Time

And

To learn–to listen–to hear–to heal–your beating heart.

Learning, listening, hearing, heart, of prayer, our prayer.

Your heart, your prayer; our heart, our prayer; my heart, my prayer.

Heart, hearing–listening–prayer.

One heart, in love, divine.

One heart, in love, aflame.

 

© Bede Nix, 8 March 2019. All rights reserved.

Tongue Tones, New, And Language Lands
DRAFT – Tongue Tones, New, And Language Lands

Version of 19 May 2019

(1)(Listening, then.)

(2)And, my friend, let’s try, then, now, to imagine, what, ever so quietly, it could mean, as it were, spiralling, to go into, and to nestle deeply, curled up, in, to, and, within, our ears, and to rest there – listening – our beating hearts – and to try, then, too, there, now, to fathom – and to hear – our timeless, turning, time – eternity.

(3)And now to study, then, there, and to learn, there, then – alone – and yet, as if, seeming, somehow, still, together – in this, our language, together, still – quiet, and still – my heart – and heart’s understanding – and from where, which, little by little – to discover, to hear, and to realize – ourselves – as if – alone, now – and yet, now, not – no more – and never more, now, here – alone – at home, again – and – as if, then, truly, ourselves – anew.

(4)(Listening, then.)

(5)And, now, then, my friend, let’s, ever, so, ever, so, quietly, listening, inwards, in, to, hear, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and let’s close our eyes, and cup our hands, our heart’s blood, pulsating, circulating, flowing, around, and through, upon, our liquid ears, as shells, to listening, hearing, whispered, whispering, humming, murmuring, echoes, echoed, echoing, singing, sighing, streaming, sea, sounds, sounding, out, and sung, so, softly, songs, in breeze, bright, fresh, this new day’s sunrise, thinking, thought, arising, arise, to rise, and, in rising, gently, out, in, breathing, hearts, in, breathing, hearts, heart’s breathing, inspiration, longing, love, to love, in love, to love, in love, love, love’s life, song, to try, at least, listening, inwards, in, to, hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and, be, now, here, then, there, wherever, were, we, could, be, ever, so, could we – ever – were – to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and, stirring, moving, turning, then, around, towards, our, motions, emotions, motioning, emotioning, selves, in, swirling, twirling, whirling, round, and round, around, aground, in, in, sides, out, and out, sides, surrendered, surrendering, in, to, love’s, life, song, to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and not here, then now, not there, then, here; not there, not here, not now, to, there, then, here, and now – harmony – melody – hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and this, then, now, our hour, of time, in time’s one, thinking, thought, to fall, to rise, and in rising, arising, arise, eternal, self, absorbed, absorbing, self, absolved, absolving, self, absent, absenting, self, empty, emptying, self, surrendered, surrendering, here, in, learning, love’s life, song, to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and, gently, falling, then, to fall, in falling, gently, in, in, breathing, in, in, breathing, out, out, in; and, in, breathing, in, in, breathing, out, and love’s life, music, here, upon, the ear, once more, again, to hear, to sing; and, here, then, hear, hearing, here, heart’s vibrant, inspiration, thought, in, breathing, in, in, thinking, thought, thought, thinking, breathing, out, heart’s breathing, in, in, inspiration, vibrant, vibrating, pulsing, pulsating, hearing, heart, beat, beating, heart beating, heart beating, beating, heart, hearing, here, heartbeat, beating; and heart beating, beating, counting, accounting, time, in time, eternal, longing, love, to, timeless, time, to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and, this, then, this, this, time – hear beating – time, and time, again, to time, on time, of time, in time, to this, this now, this here; and, this, then, this, this, there, where, we, our we, are, truly – you, and me – in heartbeat, hearing, here, to hear – in hour, of timeless, time – one song, of self, eternal, absorbed, absorbing, absolved, absolving, absent, absenting, empty, emptying, surrendered, surrendering, and one day, too, in death, then, decaying, deceasing, dissolving, dulling, dying, diseased, decayed, deceased, dulled, and dead, dissolved – in oceans, oceans, oceans’ meaning, vast, and deep, as we – but merest you – but merest me – but merest, drops, to bathe,  and, bathing, seeming, seeing, see; and, in appearance, then, begin, beginning, borrowed, being, becoming, breathing, freeing, feeling, free, to hear, to sing, begin; and free, then, no, not quite, yet, free; free, not free – a mystery; and all separate, distinct, and one, by one, in name, by name, no name, no, nameless, one, the same, inseparable, indivisible, invisible, visible; and not one, then, but one, and only, one – and open, liberated, free – to all – all one – and one – all one – one mind, one heart, one hand – in hand, and thought, of love, my love –  as this, in this, this you, this me – in love’s life song – in time, to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be.

(6)(Listening, then.)

(7)And, now, then, my friend, let’s, ever, so, ever, so, quietly, listening, inwards, in, to, hear, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and, quietly, listening, let’s, then, together, turn, in, turning, around, across, under, over, one hand, the other, passing, placing, touching, facing, to join, in joining, enjoining, enjoying, together, heartbeat, hearing, here, to hear – heartbeat, hearing, here, to hear – to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and, here, then, our arms, entwined, intertwined, connected, interconnected, enjoined, joined up, united; and our hands, and hearts, in harmony; and let’s, then, curl, up, close, and, settle, settling, down, in, turning, inwards, in, and attuning, tuning, in, to, quietly, listening, hearing, hearts, our minds, our spirits, selves, to rest, in, timeless, time, pulsating, vibrating, beating, sounding, sounds, this love’s life song, my love, to hear, our hearts, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be.

(8)(Listening, then.)

(9)And, in, our, ears, hearing, to hear, then – now, here, now, there – these, far away, minded, memories – minds, of memory, minded, minding – sands, sounds, time – in oceans, seas – and in rising, falling, wave, upon ocean wave, of thought, thoughts, thinking, still, still thinking, thinking, still; thoughts, thinking, still; still, stilled thoughts, unmoving, moving, not breathing, breathing – and – then- time – be – only – still – stilled breath, stilled thought – and – yet, still, thinking, still; still, breathing, still, still, being – still – still – still – only – still – in, sensing, seeing, hearing – you, alone – to hear, our hearts, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be.

(10)(Listening, then.)

(11)And, sensing, then, this, this feeling, then, then this, this hearing, then, then this, this seeing, then, then this – and this, surely – as, it, is, is, it; this surely – as, it, it, is, is it – is, all; and the coming to sense, and feel, and hear, and see, and recognize, understand, speak, know, flow, and the coming to be, then, this, to hear, our hearts, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be.

(12)(Listening, then.)

(13)And, let’s, then, breathing, calmly, patiently, hearing, sensing, seeing, feeling, beginning, becoming, being, be; for, surely, when, learning, a language, a new language, and, when, discovering, a new, and expanded, world, of words, one needs, must, and, above all (listening) patient, being, be; but not only the word (listening) “patient”, meant modestly, and modestly understood; but the word, rather (listening) “patient”, meant, to mean, and meaning, deeply, and profoundly, and deeply, and profoundly (listening) patient, being, be; for, this, surely – quietly breathing – deeply, and profoundly (listening) patient – patient, being, be; and all language – the word, this word, the word – strange, and mysterious – and possibly, perhaps, divine; for there, to wait, then, patiently, patiently, quietly, and quietly, patiently, patiently, then, to wait, therefore; and here, then, there, alone – little patience, much suffering – to patience, then, developing – and suffering, a little, less – then suffering, then, no more; and the ear, then, then, the mind, the brain, now bathed, instead, in word, in words, in word – in language – and in language, enlightening, lucid, light-filled, vibrant, vibrating, resonant, sound-waved, lovely – and alive, in love – and- love’s life song – to hear, to sing, begin, beginning become, becoming, being, be – possibly, perhaps, divine; and the brain, then, bathed, in language, bliss; and not, then, and never, more, alone, not understanding – but rather, each day, understanding, more – and patiently, becoming, being, be; and now, at last, within, upon, the ear, to listening, hear – humming, vibrating, pulsating, human, heart, sounding, this – love’s life song – to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be.

(14)(Listening, then.)

[Pulling emotion’s thought, in memory.]

(15)And, as this, then – alone – all, one, in, one – one – one sound, in, infinite, numbering, of countless, counting, heartbeats, beating, pulsating, humming, vibrating, all-hearing, ear, now, here, in tiny, pulses, pulsating, memory, and fractions, fragments, timeless, time, in time, of time; and to listen, somehow, better, then, and more intensely, and more deeply, and more profoundly, then more intensely, deeply, and profoundly, still, still more, more still, still more, more still; and, keeping your mind, then, quietly, still, be calm, now, calm, and quiet, still; so that this, then, this, the mind – minding – mind, may come, again, to be open, porous, absorbent, like a sponge, sea, brain, and ocean, mind, and entirely receptive, now, to, hearing, these, these new vibrations, sounds, and rhythm, music – long, and short; open, and closed; consonants, and vowels; of this, your new language, and this, your new language, self, and this, your new self, quite simply; and, on this, then, your new language, adventure, be at first, if you can – of course you can – like a humble, respectful, guest, invited into a land, and home, not yet, quite, feeling, a little, like, your own – a land, and a home, in short, not yet so much even as a little, like, your own; and, that is, as one who at first meekly listens, only, listening, only, listening, keeping, the ears, and the eyes, open, to open, observation, keenly, seeing, all, and as if, wishing, all, to hearing, all, to seeing, all, in beauty’s fullest motion, emotion, delight, of heart, heart’s memory, gently held, in happiness, some future day, one day, to encourage, to apprehend, to comprehend, and understand, and review, and resound, and recall, yet, not understanding terribly much – not much – too much – not much – at first – and perhaps not understanding terribly much – not much – too much – not much – at first – and perhaps not understanding anything at all, indeed – not so much as a single word, at first – and for a long time after, too; no word, that matters – no matter; only, waiting, ever, quietly, patiently, listening, patiently, quietly, ever, waiting, only; and, quietly listening, and listening better, and better, and more, and more, and more and more intensely, and more and more deeply, and more and more profoundly, and then more and more profoundly, still, such that, only listening, listening, listening, one, word, one, thing, some, thing, so slowly, so very slowly, so slowly, but surely, and absolutely, adjusts, and attunes, upon your ear, such that your ear, then, begins, so slowly, so gradually, so subtly, at first, at last, to hear, and to hear, upon your tongue, now, too, as all the subtle musculature of your lips, and face, begins, to echo, like neurons, mirroring, and to twitch, then, at last, to sound, and, sounding, right, sounding, true, in tune; and, waiting, then, for this feeling – for the feeling of this tone, this sound, this sensation, of this new language, upon the ear, the tongue; to taste, and enjoy, there, its vibration, and as if your ear, and tongue, were afloat, now, in dream, as in a d ream, upon a sea, upon an ocean, of sound, and, then, only, then, very slowly, and only so extraordinarily, slowly, yet, surely – still, listening, stillness, listening – always listening, so carefully, listening – into floating, afloat, upon a sea – of sound – an ocean – of meaning – your ear, your tongue – towards a tongue, at last, of land – and an instrument, a music – a voice – again, to call; again, to call; again, to call, your own; and a tongue of land, then, that, is, upon which, little, by ever, so little, you begin, to sound, and feel, finally, now, so well, and as if, at long, long, last, in this, so extraordinary, world, of sound, new sound, and tongue, new tongue, and music, new music, and language, new language, you are hearing, here, again, and, hearing, this, your little, by ever so little, miniature, tiny, self, once more, again, in proportion, in harmony (listening, then), to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be.

(16)(Listening, then.)

(17)And, let’s, then, breathing, calmly, patiently, hearing, sensing, seeing, feeling, beginning, becoming, being, be; for, surely, when, learning, a language, a new language, and, when, discovering, a new, and expanded, world, of words, one needs, must, and, above all (listening) patient, being, be; but not only the word (listening) “patient”, meant modestly, and modestly understood; but the word, rather (listening) “patient”, meant, to mean, and meaning, deeply, and profoundly, and deeply, and profoundly (listening) patient, being, be; for, this, surely – quietly breathing – deeply, and profoundly (listening) patient – patient, being, be; and all language – the word, this word, the word – strange, and mysterious – and possibly, perhaps, divine; for there, to wait, then, patiently, patiently, quietly, and quietly, patiently, patiently, then, to wait, therefore; and here, then, there, alone – little patience, much suffering – to patience, then, developing – and suffering, a little, less – then suffering, then, no more; and the ear, then, then, the mind, the brain, now bathed, instead, in word, in words, in word – in language – and in language, enlightening, lucid, light-filled, vibrant, vibrating, resonant, sound-waved, lovely – and alive, in love – and- love’s life song – to hear, to sing, begin, beginning become, becoming, being, be – possibly, perhaps, divine; and the brain, then, bathed, in language, bliss; and not, then, and never, more, alone, not understanding – but rather, each day, understanding, more – and patiently, becoming, being, be; and now, at last, within, upon, the ear, to listening, hear – humming, vibrating, pulsating, human, heart, sounding, this – love’s life song – to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be.

(18)(Listening, then.)

(19)And, sensing, then, this, feeling, then, this, hearing, then, this, seeing, then, this – this, surely – as, it, is, is, it; this surely – as, it, it, is, it – is, all; and the coming to sense, and feel, and hear, and see, and recognize, and understand, and speak, and know, and flow, and the coming to be, this, then, to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be.

(20)(Listening, then.)

(21) And, in, our, ears, hearing, to hear, then – now, here, now, there – these, far away, minded, memories – minds, of memory, minded, minding – sands, sounds, time – in oceans, seas – and in rising, falling, wave, upon ocean wave, of thought, thoughts, thinking, still, still thinking, thinking, still; thoughts, thinking, still; still, stilled thoughts, unmoving, moving, not breathing, breathing – and – then- time – be – only – still – stilled breath, stilled thought – and – yet, still, thinking, still; still, breathing, still, still, being – still – still – still – only – still – in, sensing, seeing, hearing – you, alone – to hear, our hearts, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be.

(22)(Listening, then.)

(23)And, now, then, my friend, let’s, ever, so, ever, so, quietly, listening, inwards, in, to, hear, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and quietly listening, let’s, then, turn, turning, there, to, over, across, under, in, one hand, the other, passing, placing, touching, facing, to join, joining, in joining, enjoining, enjoying, together, rejoiced; and arms intertwined, interconnected, hands, hearts, connected, compact, curled up, close; and let’s, then, curl, up, close, and, settle, settling, down, in, turning, in, and attuning, tuning, in, to, quietly, inwards, listening, our hearts, our minds, our spirits, selves, to rest, in, timeless, time, there, inwards, listening, pulsating, vibrating, heart’s, beating, sounding, sounds, this love’s, life, song, my love, to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be.

(24)(Listening, then.)

(25) And, now, then, my friend, let’s, ever, so, ever, so, quietly, listening, inwards, in, to, hear, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and let’s close our eyes, and cup our hands, our heart’s blood, pulsating, circulating, flowing, around, and through, upon, our liquid ears, as shells, to listening, hearing, whispered, whispering, humming, murmuring, echoes, echoed, echoing, singing, sighing, streaming, sea, sounds, sounding, out, and sung, so, softly, songs, in breeze, bright, fresh, this new day’s sunrise, thinking, thought, arising, arise, to rise, and, in rising, gently, out, in, breathing, hearts, in, breathing, hearts, heart’s breathing, inspiration, longing, love, to love, in love, to love, in love, love, love’s life, song, to try, at least, listening, inwards, in, to, hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and, be, now, here, then, there, wherever, were, we, could, be, ever, so, could we – ever – were – to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and, stirring, moving, turning, then, around, towards, our, motions, emotions, motioning, emotioning, selves, in, swirling, twirling, whirling, round, and round, around, aground, in, in, sides, out, and out, sides, surrendered, surrendering, in, to, love’s, life, song, to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and not here, then now, not there, then, here; not there, not here, not now, to, there, then, here, and now – harmony – melody – hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and this, then, now, our hour, of time, in time’s one, thinking, thought, to fall, to rise, and in rising, arising, arise, eternal, self, absorbed, absorbing, self, absolved, absolving, self, absent, absenting, self, empty, emptying, self, surrendered, surrendering, here, in, learning, love’s life, song, to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and, gently, falling, then, to fall, in falling, gently, in, in, breathing, in, in, breathing, out, out, in; and, in, breathing, in, in, breathing, out, and love’s life, music, here, upon, the ear, once more, again, to hear, to sing; and, here, then, hear, hearing, here, heart’s vibrant, inspiration, thought, in, breathing, in, in, thinking, thought, thought, thinking, breathing, out, heart’s breathing, in, in, inspiration, vibrant, vibrating, pulsing, pulsating, hearing, heart, beat, beating, heart beating, heart beating, beating, heart, hearing, here, heartbeat, beating; and heart beating, beating, counting, accounting, time, in time, eternal, longing, love, to, timeless, time, to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be; and, this, then, this, this, time – hear beating – time, and time, again, to time, on time, of time, in time, to this, this now, this here; and, this, then, this, this, there, where, we, our we, are, truly – you, and me – in heartbeat, hearing, here, to hear – in hour, of timeless, time – one song, of self, eternal, absorbed, absorbing, absolved, absolving, absent, absenting, empty, emptying, surrendered, surrendering, and one day, too, in death, then, decaying, deceasing, dissolving, dulling, dying, diseased, decayed, deceased, dulled, and dead, dissolved – in oceans, oceans, oceans’ meaning, vast, and deep, as we – but merest you – but merest me – but merest, drops, to bathe,  and, bathing, seeming, seeing, see; and, in appearance, then, begin, beginning, borrowed, being, becoming, breathing, freeing, feeling, free, to hear, to sing, begin; and free, then, no, not quite, yet, free; free, not free – a mystery; and all separate, distinct, and one, by one, in name, by name, no name, no, nameless, one, the same, inseparable, indivisible, invisible, visible; and not one, then, but one, and only, one – and open, liberated, free – to all – all one – and one – all one – one mind, one heart, one hand – in hand, and thought, of love, my love –  as this, in this, this you, this me – in love’s life song – in time, to hear, to sing, begin, beginning, becoming, being, be.

(26)(Listening, then.)

(27)(And be listening, then, again, still more.)

(28)(Listening, then.)

(29)And, hearing, this, and, seeing, this, this, surely, as it is, is, it; this surely, as it is, is it, is all; the coming to sense, and feel, it, the coming to hear it, the coming to know it, the coming to understand it, the coming to speak it, the coming to live it, and the coming to be lived by it, as if the coming to be it.

(30)And how then to hear you, sensing, sound, in sounding, oceans, seas, sand dunes, sands, skin breeze, enchanting, chanting, singing, speaking, tasting, tongue tones, new, and language lands, in this, your music, my music, your song, my song, your language, my language, your voice, my voice, such, that, the echo, of this, your voice, my voice, sings, within, us, you, and me, to form here, in mind, your mind, your mind, my mind, not only the sound, but also the form, and sight, of you, and me, your language, sensed, sounding, within us, within you, within me, and making, sounding, sense, as vivid, real, alive, and true.

(31)And, now, then, my friend, let’s try to imagine, what, ever so quietly, it could mean, as it were, spiralling, to go into, and nestle deeply, curled up, within, our ears, and to rest there, in, to, timeless, listening – our beating hearts – and to try to fathom – to hear – our timeless, turning, time – eternity.

(32)And to study, learn, together – this language – heart – in understanding, which, little by little – to discover, hear, and realize, ourselves, at home, again, anew.

(33)(Listening, then.)

© Bede Nix, 19 May 2019. All rights reserved.

A Person, A Place, In Play, In Call, In Prayer, In Question, Why
And there arising, always, again, and again, these thoughts, however, still, and still, from stillness, again, and again, always, here, arising, surfacing, afloat, alight, awing, in restless, buoyant, waiting, weightless, timeless, time, from there, in travelling, light, to here, within, a head – a heart – so human, heavy, holding, held, in body, bound, but bound not, boundless, heart, and mind, held not, not holding, holding, always, in, within, to somewhere, to there, from here, to there, a way, to get, away, away, away, these thoughts, from thinking, fleeing, fleeting, freeing, freedom, free, to be, from there, gone far, come near, to here, and hear me, somehow, someone, somewhere, somewhat, in listening, looking, there, out there, somewhere, anywhere, anyway, to someone, something, here, to say, who’s then to say, now, once again, once more, no more, no one, to one, again, alone, elsewhere, to elsewhere – no – nowhere, known, unknown – and this, then – as if – were You, as I – in mystery, arising, absolute, silent, still – or am I, then, in this, attempting, trying, tried, to will, again, myself, then, one day, more, to travel, to there, from here, to there, to that – that somewhere, there, from here, to find, at last a way – from You, my love, to You – in call, in prayer – that dreaming, thinking, were I, was I, am I – here, still me – in seeming, still, and being, be.

© Bede Nix, 24 May 2019. All rights reserved.

Light In Eye, In Heart, In Mind, In Hope
From starlit travels, far, your light, shines burning, brightly, out – that light, so bright – so very bright – that, too bright, almost – and dazzling, nearly – now – in time’s still presence ­– light, lonely, eye – to me, my eyes, somehow, it seemed, somehow, my eyes, to me, to be; and so, part-blinded, blinking, squirming, squinting – I see you not so well – not well – not well at all, indeed – not really – not fully, truly – completely – clearly; and this, through you – your brightness – too, too, too, too, intense, quite simply – bewilders me – confuses me – for, you see, it’s like, I cannot, quite, somehow, you see – see you – or get you – reach you – touch you – grasp you – make you – out – and take – your measure, too – for, who, then, and – who, really – who you – you are – well, this, you see ­– you see, this troubles me – and it’s, to me – it is, to me – an irritation, a distraction, a challenge – and makes me nervous, too, quite honestly; and so you trouble me, you see, quite simply – and quite simply, you see, you make me nervous ­– somehow – too.

(So what to do?)

(I do not … yet … and … )

And yet, and yet, and – yet much as I cannot, yet, quite, see you, clearly, and fully, and recognize, brightly, this, this light, this lovely light, your lovely light, for what it is; so, surely – or, so now, at least, I think – am I, myself, in turn, not ready, not yet ready, quite, in this, your light, this light, so fully – fully – seen – and understood, maybe – forgiven – loved – accepted, all, and all, allowed – for all, I am – quite simply, me – for me – to simply, breathing, here – here being – be.

And so I turn from you, again, my eye, stone-hearted, cool, away – as if, uncaring – and contemptuous ­– to hide, in truth, again, within, my shadowed face – self’s dim lit suffering – long tensely held – long dearly cherished – anxieties, insecurities, trauma, sadness – pain.

(I turn away.)

And how I reacted, then, to you, disappointingly – a reaction, that, now, if late, I see, was so, somehow, so miserable, miserly, poor, pathetic – and well, this reaction, disappointing, deeply, and – deeply – disappointed hurt you too, and much, I’m sure. And later, I regretted this; for something of your human warmth, and light – light in eye – in heart – in mind – in hope – stayed with me, even so.

(Even so.)

(Even so.)

(Even so.)

(Light in eye – in heart – in mind – in hope.)

And light travels fast, but I’m so slow.

And next time, then, I see you, even so, I’ll be, I think – perhaps, somehow – more ready, prepared, and steady, still.

And I’ll open these, my hands, and heart – look you (gently) in the eye – and see you – see, in you – as you, I trust, in me – see me – a friend; and then I’ll smile, that’s all, quite simply – a smile, yes, of course, for you – and a smile, yes, too, for me, internally, within – in happiness, gifted, you – and in happiness, too, arrived, at last, in simple smile, to light an eye, to me.

And warm, gentle, smiling, eyes, you are – now – all – in heart, in truth – I see.

And warm, gentle, smiling, eyes, in happiness – present – here, with you, again – in heart, in truth – I too – I see – am I.

For we’re surely all of us the light that’s shining through – or trying to.

© Bede Nix, 30 May 2019. All rights reserved.

A Merest Breeze, On Sands of Time
And – I’d need now, of course, no words – if I, myself – were this bright sun – dazzling – eye – this day – and clear blue sky – and sea breeze, lapping, sound, of sound, in wave, on wave, of wave, of ocean wave, of ocean waves – warm, waving, flow, and – sounding, so – in frequencies, imperceptible, afloat – on subtle sound, unheard – and subtle sound, on sands – sands, silent, slipping – time – warm sands – of time – in this, then, now, our sands of time – and – in this, then, now – time’s timeless, unthinking, thinking, thought – relaxed, now, and at ease – in heartbeat – heartbeat – heartbeat – softly, sounded – heartbeat – so – as if – imperceptible – here, in this – this smiling, tender, gentle, gaze, as if – as if, as if, as if – as if, in this, my gimlet eye – my thirst, my hunger – stroke, caress – panting, breathless, kissing, sigh – in scent, and streaming, shining, sky-bathed, solar light, and sight, then, there, you were – my eye, in heaven’s beauty’s bliss – of such a vision, this – in this – this heartbeat rhythm’s footfall, falling, here, on time, in time, to time – and – to be, then – still, together – here – together, still – once more – and to have, then, and to hold ­– for richer, for poorer – in sickness, and in health – to love, to cherish – worship, and obey – till death do us part, or so they say – and – so – from this day, onwards – this day, onwards, then – and always, and forever, so – on time – in time – to time – to end, of time – all time – and yet, all time, in but a brief instant’s moment, here now – here, and now – time taken, here, and lost, again, once more, in hand – and, running, too – my hand, in yours – your hand, in mine – and – interlocked, held warm, held tight, held fast – time running, even so – and running, always, too, too, too – too fast – fast – fast – fast through our fingers, so – and fleeting, and – perhaps, even, and – especially – so – this scene – this scene, sensation, inspiration, such – that – if I, myself, were this bright sun, I’d need, no words, of course – now, here – to recognize, or be recognized, you, by you – you – dear you, now here, in these, these words, these thoughts, of you, as if, you were, again, once more, again, beside me – and for you – you – for you, your sole embrace – I would, then – all – and all around you – over, and under – above, below, atop, and beneath you – upon you, across you, in you, within you – around, and around you – and all, then – everything, everywhere – if nowhere quite, still, noticeably, known – would I, in shining, sunlight, bright, in joyful, happy, heart, already – already – still – and still – still being, be – and – being, then, as you, and not you – intimate – to you, entirely – yet, also, to you, alas, so well, as well, as, well, all, still, unknown – invisible – mysterious – and but a merest breeze, then – you – you are – of you – and but a merest breeze, then – me – I am – of me – me too – and – merest breeze, to join us, here, in these – these words, these thoughts – from me, to you – from you, to me – blown gently, here, together, time – time – time – as if, to meet – once more, again – in meeting’s memory, recalling – you – recollecting – you – and – coming, then – here, now – this day – together – to intuit, and sense – standing, blinking, blind, before you – an insight, into – this, then, that – and a desire’s final fullness, fulfilment, completion, completeness, stillness, this – in tracing footprints – sands of time – my heart, my love – may be – in love’s sweet light – shining here so bright – in bliss – of you – sublime – divine.

And – I’d need now, of course, no words – if I, myself – were this bright sun – still – dazzling – eye – this day – and clear blue sky – and sea breeze, lapping, sound, of sound, in wave, on wave, of wave, of ocean wave, of ocean waves – warm, waving, flow, and – sounding, so – in frequencies, imperceptible, afloat – in subtle sound, unheard – and subtle sound, of sands – sands, silent, slipping – time – warm sands – of time, once were – in this, then, now, which was, our time – heart’s memory – ending, empty, dry, in loveless, barren, desert – time – so little, now, remaining – heart – and time, that is, no more – no more, but memory – and – in this, then, now – time’s timeless, unthinking, thinking, thought – relaxed now, and at ease, now, not, at all – and heartbeat – heartbeat – heartbeat – heartbeat, softly, no more sounding, sounded, so – so, imperceptible – here, in this – this smiling, tender, gentle, gaze, as if, but distant memory, recalled, as if – in this, my dreaming, gimlet eye – my thirst, my hunger – all lonely longing – were, again, in this, this one last, dying, breath, now, sighing, sighed, exhaled, once more, again, away ­– and – evaporated, away, entirely – and, all, then, as if, dissolved – and all, as if, resolved – once more, again – in scent, and streaming, shining, sky-bathed, solar light, and sight, of you, once more, again, recalled – and still – still more – still more so – still more so, then – and – too much so – too much – in stroke, caress, or panting, breathless, kiss – my eye, in heaven’s beauty’s bliss – of such a memory – vision – this – as if, this time, as if, to end – this time – this time – this time – and this, this time, as if, to me, but memory, now – no more; and this, then, this – this, too – this sweet memory’s heartbeat rhythm’s footfall, falling, here, on time, in time, to time – and there, then, time, in time, to time, as if, to, being, somehow, still, together, now – here – once more – as if – as one – one time – together, here, and – one time – one – one time – more – and – one time, more – one time – as if – to end – to end, of time – to have, and hold ­– from this day forward – for richer, for poorer – in sickness, and in health – to love, and cherish – worship, and obey – till death do us part – and – so – from this day, onwards – this day, onwards, and always, and forever, so – and always, ever, on – on time – to end, of time – as if – all time – in time – to time – and time – and time – in time now, taken, here, again, once more – in this, heart’s memory’s forgiving, gentle, warm, and open, hand; and yet, time running, too – time running, still – my hand, in memory’s, yours – your hand, in memory’s, mine – and – interlocked, held warm, held tight, held fingers, fast – the past – and hour hand, minute hand, second hand, running, always, too, too fast – fast – fast – fast, even, through, even, our dimly remembered fingers, so – and fleeting, even, and – perhaps, even, and – especially – so – this scene – this scene, sensation, inspiration, then, recalled, such – that – such, that, if I, myself, were this bright sun, I’d need now, no words, of course – now, here – to recognize, or be recognized – you, by you – you – you – and neither your love, then, as me, to recognize, again, nor my love, then, again, to know, as you – dear you, now here, again, recalled, in these, these words, these thoughts, of you, as if, once more, again, you were, beside me – and for you – you – for you – as if – for you, your sole embrace – I would, then – all – and all around you – over, and under – above, below, atop, and beneath you – upon you, across you – in you, within you – around, and around you – and all, then, in everything, and everywhere – if, yet, still, now, nowhere, quite – or as if – now – nowhere, quite, then, yet – would I, in shining, sunlight, bright, in joyful, happy, heart, already – already – still – and still – still being, be – and – being, then, as you, and not you – intimate – to you, entirely – yet also, to you, alas, so well, as well, as, well, all, unknown – and invisible – and mysterious – and but a merest breeze, then – you – you are – of you – you were – and but a merest breeze, then – me – I am – of me – I was – and – merest breeze, then, in memory, now, to join us, here, in these – these words, these thoughts – – as if – from me, to you – from you, to me – blown gently, here, and now, recalled, and recollected, here, together, in time – time – time – as if, to meet – once more, again – as if – in meeting’s memory – you – and – you, coming, here, then, now – this day – where I stand, in memory, blinking, blind, before you, dazzled, still – together – to me – to intuit, to sense – an insight, into – this, then, or, only, that – as if – desire’s last final fullness, promising, fulfilment, completion, completeness, stillness, this – in tracing footprints – sands of time – my heart, my love – may be – in love’s sweet light – shining here, in memory, so bright – once more, with me – my love, my heart – as if – in bliss – sublime – divine.

And – I’d need now, of course, no words – if I, myself – were this bright sun – dazzling – eye – this day – and clear blue sky – and sea breeze, lapping, sound, of sound, in wave, on wave, of wave, of ocean wave, of ocean waves – warm, waving, flow, and – sounding, so – in frequencies, imperceptible, afloat – subtle sound, unheard – and subtle sound, of sands – sands, silent, slipping – time – warm sands – of time – in this, then, now, our time – and – in this, then, now – time’s timeless, unthinking, thinking, thought – relaxed, at ease – and heartbeat – heartbeat – heartbeat –heartbeat, softly, sounded, so – and imperceptible – here, in this – this smiling, tender, gentle, gaze, as if – in this, my gimlet eye – my thirst, my hunger – stroke, caress – or panting, breathless, kissing, sigh – in scent, and streaming, shining, sky-bathed, solar light, and sight, are you – my eye, in heaven’s beauty’s bliss – of such a vision, this – in this – this heartbeat rhythm’s footfall, falling, here, on time, in time, to time – and there, then, time, in time, to time, be still, together – here – one time – one – one time – together, here, just one more time – one time – to have, and hold ­–from this day forward –  for richer, for poorer – in sickness, and in health – to love, to cherish – worship, and obey – till death do us part – and – so – from this day, onwards – this day, onwards – always, and forever, so – and always, ever, on – on time – in time – to time – to end, of time – all time – and yet, all time, in but a brief instant’s moment, here now – here, and now – and time now taken, here, again, once more, in hand – and, running, too – my hand, in yours – your hand, in mine – and – interlocked, held warm, held tight, held fast – time running, even so – and running, always, too, too, too – too fast – fast – fast – fast through our fingers, so – and fleeting, even, still, and – perhaps, even, and – especially – so – this scene – this scene, sensation, inspiration, such – that – if I, myself, were this bright sun, I’d need, no words, of course – now, here – to recognize, or be recognized, you, by you – you – you – dear you, now here, in these, these words, these thoughts, of you, as if, once more, again, beside me – for you – you – for you, your sole embrace – I would, then – all – and all around you – over, and under – above, below, atop, and beneath you – upon you, across you, in you, within you – and around, and around you – and all, then – in everything, and everywhere – if nowhere quite, still, noticeably, known – would I, in shining, sunlight, bright, in joyful, happy, heart, already – already – still – and still – still being, be – and – being, then, as you, and not you – intimate – to you, entirely – yet, also, to you, alas, so well, as well, as, well, all, still, unknown – invisible – mysterious – and but a merest breeze, then – you – you are – of you – and but a merest breeze, then – me – I am – of me – me too – and – merest breeze, to join us, here, in these – these words, these thoughts – from me, to you – from you, to me – blown gently, here, together, time – time – time – as if, to meet – once more, again – in meeting’s memory, recalling – you – recollecting – you – and – coming, then – here, and now – this day – together – to intuit, and sense – standing, blinking, blind, before you – an insight, into – this, then, that – and a desire’s final fullness, fulfilment, completion, completeness, stillness, this – in tracing footprints – sands of time – my heart, my love – may be – in love’s sweet light – shining here so bright – in happiness – joy – bliss – in eye, of you – sublime – divine.

And I loved you, once, so much; and do you still recall?

And if only you could also know – and realize – understand – maybe, perhaps – even if I’m myself not so sure if I know it anymore, quite honestly – and not sure, now, if – if – if, today – I love you, still – or if it’s rather that today I love you, if, if anything, perhaps, still more, even, than, before – and so, so much – so much – so much – so much more, even – even, than before – if that were possible – and – just – so much – so much – more – with all my heart, and life, and soul; and – how then could I – can I – let you go? How, then, just, like that, to let you go? To let you go – to let you go – to let you go; I just don’t know. Or is it I myself who must now go? To go – to stay? To stay – to leave? And is it really mine, the choice, in any case? And am I really the one who here decides, or chooses? It does not feel that way. But if not I, then …

But what, then, am I saying?

What nonsense, then, is this?

And no.

No.

No.

No.

No.

The heart’s a lonely hunter, though – that much, at least, is clear; and now I have no choice, I know – I simply must now let you go – to go your way – go on your way – and be, then, if, now, you must be, far from me – away!

For such is this, our human life – so flawed and fleeting – so tragically transitory; or so, at least, that is, am I, I fear, in all my seeming, sometimes, boundless, human, frailty – human, fragility – human suffering; and in this, this too, once shared, alone, in crying out, with you, I fear, am I – and broken-hearted – heart defeated – heart-broken, defeated, shattered, self, that is – if once, was human, too, like you – and once belonged – as me, as you – to this – a human family – shared hearts – humanity.

No wonder, then, that these, our simple, human, vows, which, taken, once, they were – now long ago – in all solemnity, are long since broken, betrayed, abandoned, neglected, ignored – or forgotten, quite simply – if sometimes, too, it must be said – but broken, betrayed, abandoned, neglected, ignored, forgotten, but temporarily – and somehow, still, not quite, beyond repair – not quite – not quite – not quite – and that, despite the pain, and anguished heartbreak – all the disappointment – the despair – all this, and more, may sometimes, somehow, be forgiven, still – and love, somehow, rekindled – vows renewed – love lost – and love then sometimes found, re-found, re-discovered, re-lived, astonishingly, once more again – as if a miracle of love; for is it not so, that our hands – each day more gnarled, and wrinkled, spotted, ancient, hands – and our hearts – our broken hearts – grow wise, and strong – and mellow, too – mature – in this, this life’s exhilarating, exhausting, giddy, confusing, disorienting, devastating, yet rich – so rich – and extraordinary – so rich – and so extraordinary – human – life – experience.

So come now, my heart, my love, alive, again; and, again, in love, find love’s sweet light, to shine here, heart bright, in bliss, my love, sublime, divine.

So come – again – let’s dance the merry dance – and laugh, and have some fun – while still, of time, there’s still some left, at least – let’s dance then still some more – and run along.

For sands of time, fast flowing, do, to death, in any case, indifferently – and indiscriminately – run.

And what, then, more, to say, to that, my friend?

But yes.

And yes.

And yes.

And yes.

And yes!

© Bede Nix, 10 June 2019. All rights reserved.

(You)
(You.)
(And I.)
(You are not you. I am not me. Who me, then, here – this I? Who you?)
(Your love.)
(My love.)
(Our love, in love; a mystery, divine.)

© Bede Nix, 16 June 2019. All rights reserved.

(For You)
Wherever you are dancing – heart’s flaming energies, divine – dances also She, the Goddess, who I seek, I love, I worship, I adore – I absolutely adore – and wherever, then, that is, that dance, that you – She – dances – may you glimpse me also dancing, sky spirit, somewhere, there, up close – with all my heart and soul – in lifetime’s longing love – for this, time’s journey – you.

© Bede Nix, 16 June 2019. All rights reserved.

Heart Song
Life has – or so it seems, to me, today – entirely broken – broken down – and – broken – down – and broken me down – in shattered pieces, broken bits – a self in trouble – rubble, ruined – and only that – yet that, not only – but also broken – and broken me open – and broken me open, too – and open, too – to being opened, fully, now – my too, too tender heart – to you.

And I’m feeling – sometimes – often, too – you too? – so sad, scarred, scared, and fragile, lonely – vulnerable, unloved, alone – in being, broken, bare, in here, in heart, how much – where there, that little, left – so little left, now, seemingly, of spirit, once, was me – but only empty, silent, tear-cleansed, waiting, wondering – is – in asking, why, what for, and when, and over, and over, and over, and over, again – when, then – when, then – when, then – and –

(And – )

(And – )

(And – )

And when, then, that is, until – in longing, love, once more, of life, to come, again, you will, to fill me, heal me, hear me – sound, in heart – one heart, in harmony – sound, in heart – in heart, in you, once more, again, to sound – as one – in this, that is, in you – and your eternal, extraordinary, dancing, delighting, joyous, laughing, singing, song – love song, for life – that, then, your music, sounding, me, once more, again – surrendered, shaped, and willing, instrument, for you – that, then, from then on, too, and knowingly – in tune, once more, again, I’ll be; and one day, then, so soon – so soon – so soon – once more, again, I’ll sing – once more – again – my life, my love – of you – for you – with you – to you.

(And – )

(Once broken – down – in heart, I was, for sure; yet broken down now, in heart, now, no more, it seems, to me, am I. And rather – it’s as if – I’ve – here, in heart – been pieced, again, together – and reshaped, somehow – remade – and reunited. And such that – here, and now – it’s now, as if, I hear- I hear, as if, anew – as if, I’ve here, now, in heart, a so much richer, fuller, sound – in love song – life – my heart, my love – of you, for you, with you, to you – once more, again – to sing.)

(And you, then, too; dear, lovely, you – this heart, this song, this love, this life; why don’t you join me – join in, too?)

(Hearts – singing – well, again – and true.)

(Heart song.)

(Love me – love you.)

© Bede Nix, 22 June 2019. All rights reserved.

This Black Earth Rising
(Calling Out To You Again, Again, Again, Without Restraint – As In A Loop, Of Life – A Life Refrain)

 

(This black earth rising.)

Here we are hidden, always, mercifully, together, as if, as one – one – as one, and all of us – you, and I – and all our ancestors, are somehow, here, with us, too – here too – and here together, connected, organic, whole – as one – one – as one – in silent, stillness – all – where once, we, all of us, were, so screamingly – from we ourselves, from us, each other, and from you – so cruelly, painfully, traumatically, separated, abducted, enslaved, sold off, sold on – and silent, lonely, lost, and, seeming, forgotten, erased, quite gone; and do you, at least, still recall?

Yes.

I call out still.

(Black earth rising.)

And yet, no answer seems to come – none at all; or not at – listening – once, at least.

Wait, then, longer – then longer, still, if necessary.

Be still, and wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

(Black earth rising.)

And still no answer comes – none at all – not yet.

A matter, then, simply, of waiting; and simply waiting, then – no matter.

And here, in any case, it’s always quiet – and timeless, dark, and peaceful – calm – as if, from forest trees, once standing, solid, tall, and proud, in spirit, strong – so many falling, fallen, leaves, now, here, on us, were raining down – rained down – on us, from heavens above, in endless night’s embrace – this endless night – and night’s embrace, not heard, not seen, but felt here, even, so, in gentle, weight, of time, pressed down below – in father, mine – mother, mine – my child – all here, beneath, below, and under – these, our many skies – our sky – sky changing spirit, restless – restless, spirit, me – in soundless, silence, stillness, being, be; and here, then, we, then, are – in this, a nowhere place, where, nevertheless, we find at once ourselves, and you – in soil, here, and ground, so fertile, rich, in ages, aeons – and all our ancestors – all our people, passed, away – such that, if, if, if – if only – only – I – alone – and if – if I – and were I, could I, know, then, that – that wish, again – return – then how I’d wish, then – mineral, vegetable, animal – earthed, and rooted, to remain here, all the same – in all this matter – all that matters, still – and mattered, once – to matter, someday, soon, again – if then, perhaps, your will – in past and future – here, and present, now – to be, again, as once we were, we are, shall always be – no matter – spirit – energy – earth – and sky – as timeless, all eternity.

(Black earth rising.)

And yet still no answer – no answer, still; yet, still waiting …

(In black earth rising.)

1.

(Black earth rising.)

And yes, my friend, my heart, my love, I know, I know, I know – for don’t forget that every word and thought of yours was once – and is – already word and thought of sigh of heartbeat mine; and listen, here, and now, at last – I’m calling you, again, this night, to day, to see – and this call, of – calling – mine, in coming to be, you see, shall be, to you, as my reply, and your reply to me shall be your answer to yourself, you see – your answer to your call – as someday soon, perhaps, you’ll come yourself to recognize – and recall, yourself, again; and do you not then now hear – or begin, at least, to hear me, then, again – my voice – and inspiration – sounding – you – in you – to you – as impulse – pulsating – longing – loving – calling – calling out – to you?

(Black earth rising.)

2.

(Black earth rising.)

And this, then, our night time sky, and rich earth, body, rhythm, blackest, black, to be, from which, from you, for you, as you, to start, to shape – black body earth – an ear, to hear me, now, once more, again – heart blood, now, beating, listening, hearing – this, your life – our life – all life – life’s lonely longing, rhythm, bleeding, red – again – again – again; and white up open eye, then, light, now, black, to red, to yellow, leaf green, blue – in spirit, life – and breathing, inspired – once more, again, once more – to become – becoming – and – embodied – being – be.

(And from spirit, breath – a word, a name – as if made flesh.)

(Black earth rising.)

3.

And …

Ears opened, now; now, don’t you hear?

Eyes opened, now; now, don’t you see?

And do now also touch – these beautiful garments, for example, here; and do taste – these delicious dishes, here, of slow cooked lamb, and vegetables; and smell, then, also, this – this sweet-smelling incense, too.

And open wide your arms, and hands – unclench those fists, and loosen up – yourself; for it would be so lovely, and please me, now, so much, to see you dance.

And how it would please me, now, too, to hear, your voice, your such sweet voice, to me; and may your heart, then, be opened, now, too, and opened wide, and large, in vocation, voice, so clear, and bright, and beautiful, here, to sing.

And …

4.

(Black earth rising.)

And this, then, here, again, ourselves, arising – from black, within, the night – and black night earth, green forest, dark – transformed – in sunrise, bleeding red, to yellow, dawn – in birth, again, of golden sun, and new day, coloured blue – blue ocean sky – to see, again, your white of opened eye, refreshed, and life, renewed, reborn, from this, your inner light – outpouring – overflowing – in – sun – sky – sea – shaped – lovely – thought – from me, of you – to you.

And here, now, I’ve reflected, long, and hard, on you, you see, and sensed, and shaped you, too, and listened, here, in beating heart, your heart, my heart, in this, your borrowed ear, called out, in word, indeed, divine, your name – your name – in word, indeed, divine – a spirit, sound – all breath, of mine – once more, again – to see you, there – to see you, here.

(Black earth rising.)

5.

(Black earth rising.)

And here, to you, then, I know, it may, I know, in – what – may – ever – so – ever – so – slightly, slight, slightest, separation – seem – once more, again, appear – it’s true, to be – is simply somehow necessary, you see – and unavoidable – inevitable – and destined – fated – final; and yet – yet still, and even so, you were, and are, to me, so very, very, close, you know – your breath, on mine, and mine, in yours – and you, who think you are, your you, is then, you see, but a tiny teardrop, falling liquid, parting, part, in weeping eye, and sigh, as if, the rain, and wind, of ocean breath, of sky, in light, my love – of me – my mind – eternity.

And now – do you hear? – your heart, then, beating, here, once more, again, to hear me, telling, here, to you, once more, again – time’s story – like this – divine.

(Black earth rising.)

6.

(Black earth rising.)

And here, then, now, I am, you see, your heart.

I am your heart.

And – my heart, then, as you –  you following, followed me, follow me, here – in voice –  vocation – my voice – your voice – our voice – wherever, there, you hear us, sing, and dance – if but breeze, or sigh – for – know this, now, as true – that way’s your path – and there, along your path, you see, I’m never, far, away – too far away, from you – not now, not ever – but always –  somewhere –  near –  beside you – waiting out – until the day you’ll recognize, and know me, once more, again; and know then, too, that I shall lead you, then, still, in light, of day, and heartbeat, step, by step, by every step, and breath, of thinking, thought, to think it through, your heart, then, nearing, coming, closer, close, to me, your eyes, again – at every step – in seeking, searching, stepping blindly out, in faith, to come, now, closer, here, again, to me – and to come, now – find, again – and follow me, now – by this – this voice, this song, this dance – this inner light, this path, this route – your heart – to beat – and step – and follow me – this way.

And, whatever you do – don’t hold back, my friend, in this; not even in the smallest part – not one bit – one tiny single bit; but instead, in trust, let go, let go, let go – let yourself totally – ecstasies – go – as if, in thought, in mind, in act, action, life, of faith – and courage – confidence – spirit – stirring – moving – you – once more, again, to – arise – arising – black earth rising – arising – arise – once more, again – to breathing – becoming – and embodied – being – be.

And – my friend, my heart, my love … What an absolute joy, from out of night, you are, to me, once more, again, this day; as if, from milky morning whites, in such delight, divine, our eyes, flow tears of bliss, in cloudless blue ocean skies.

And sky blue sunlit ocean eye in bliss, my love, I bathe, in you – now cleansed, renewed, reborn – in new day’s dawn, delightful.

(Black earth rising.)

7.

And yes, I know, my friend, my heart, my love, too well, that price we all of us must once to pay; too well I know that price we all must once to pay – to pay for this great vision, and experience, extraordinary, and marvellous – sometimes terrible, and terrifying, true, but – still, more often, simply, magnificent – breath taking – sublime – brief blinking eye – of light – this human life – divine.

And in this way, too, I ask you, then, how can I – not me, I mean, but you, in this – this black earth rising – lead you, somehow, as separate, separated, still, you are, as know, for sure, I’d wish – and to lead you, then, in total clarity, now, to see, again, and understand – this only – only – this – and that’s that it’s not only, now, my breath, that breathes, in you, that, somehow, now, you sense, you feel, or fail, to feel, or sense, or see; and nor my body, here, in body, now, embodying, you, as you, as still you, as you, seem somehow, not to want to understand, or know; but rather – that – it’s still, yes, also, my blood, too, that’s flowing, too, too, deeply, red, you see, in you – blood bleeding red – and forest green – and yellow, golden, sunrise, light, of sun – in morning day’s new light – blue light – of heaven – sky – and ocean – blue – of bliss – reflected – now – again – in you; and that – that too, too well – in bleeding, crying, suffering, sometimes, so, so much, the sadness, sorrow, anger, hurt, and pain, I know – for – do you know what? – here, too, then, now, as well – with you – if seeming seemingly so separated, solitary, lonely, and alone – in this, this rock bottom moment, too – this moment, too – you’re not – and you were not, are not, nor ever will be, in fact, alone, at all – you’re not – and you were not, are not, nor ever will be, in fact, alone, at all – for all that you have ever felt – are feeling – will feel – all that you feel – I feel it all too, you see – yes, all of it – all of it – all of it – just the same – and it hurts me too – so sure – I’m with you – silently, heart hungry, suffering, desperate, hurting, crying, bleeding, there – there too – I am – and always – were – and will be – there – with you.

Until, at least, that is, our hearts, at last, with life, grow full – too full – to be enlarged, now, any, more – and any more fully – fully – fully – expanded – for our hearts now fit, for all eternity, to – from bodies’ mortal flesh – and there then, reaching out, then, so, in opened mind, and thought, and heart – heart’s need for rest – as if, to play, then, one last time, the mountain, there – beyond, the sky – and pale blue sunset, then – in day, again, to drawing closed, draws closed, to darkness, night – in quiet time, recalled – and recognized – once more, again – my friend, my heart, my love – in arms – now – open – wide – redeemed – in sheeted, sleeping, death – to be, you are, once more, again, no more – except – in my own, one heart, and love – your rest – in me – a universe of energy – here – and there – I am – as timeless – all eternity.

 

A night of great wonder, celebration, prayer, and healing – lila – music, dance – inspired, divine – among, my heart, dear friends – the Gnawa.
Chez L’Olivier, Geneva.
© Bede Nix, 14 June 2019. All rights reserved.

What Do I Care?
And now ask yourself, as one of the very privileged few, this question, following:

“When did I last – or when, that is, was the last, most recent, time – that I – I myself – I – that, consciously, knowingly – I sat, and shared, freely, that time – my time – (your) time – and theirs – in fullest energy, and fullest presence, and fullest attention – heart questioning, heart listening – and understanding, perhaps – although, in fact, perhaps, not really understanding – yet really trying, all the same – and really trying, at least, in all good faith, to understand – (you) – standing over a stove – or sitting around a kitchen table – hot tea, or coffee – a cigarette, maybe – just details, in any case – and only details, which do not matter – not really – no matter – but yes, they do matter, even so, and every one, you’re right – all the details – faces – one by one – every one – (all details – all circumstances – all challenges – and all potential – all faces – everyone) – every one – and so sat, then, that’s to say, that is, with someone – a distant acquaintance, perhaps – or lowly, junior, colleague, ladder’s bottom – someone in the supermarket, at the cashout – counter – till – or at a fast food joint – or café – bar – or simply standing, there, alone – the street – like someone passing –  lost, seemingly – and passing away – in anyway no details anymore, and no face clear in memory, no name – who stands there, way over there, and far away – silently – as if dumb, or mute – but a person, that’s to say, and nevertheless, who was currently living, then, or was currently trying to live – to manage – to survive – and doing so, or failing to do so, maybe, still – on the minimum wage, or just, or well, below it – not a one off sort of a person, and unique, of course – but rather a “one of”, a “one of many” – the global majority, indeed, that is – albeit largely disenfranchised, and voiceless – insignificant, as if – as if, forgotten – and that’s to say, then, something, then, like this – as if again to count them – yes, count them – yes – the bottom five billion?”

And then ask yourself this question, too, in fullest rhetorical flourish, as perhaps you’ve done already, many times, deep down, in darkened, dim lit soul, if quietly, so quietly, so very quietly, such that you yourself barely heard it asked, or said – now did you? – at least, not consciously:

“And what do I care?”

“And what do I care?”

“And what do I care?”

“And what then, really, do I (you) care?”

And then there – just there – right there – notice straight away, now, right there, at once, how that question begins immediately to tickle, there, a little, ever so little, and then to stick, a little more, then tighten, constricting, more, and more, and more, and more, and more, around your throat, as if your throat were locked now in the grip of a desperate, squeezing, tensing, tautening, tightening, furious, fist, to suffocate nearly the breath and spirit of you, and to strangle you nearly half to death, or simply to shake you, violently, into the realization that – do you know what? – hello! – we’re here, and human, too, you know.

(The bottom five billion.)

And then I ask you:

Have you got the slightest clue, do you think?

And have you really any idea about what our lives are really, really, really, really, like?

And if – quite honestly – and “honesty”, at last – it seems to you the answer’s “no” – then I ask you one last question, which is this: why then the hell, quite honestly, should we give a damn or care, either, too, about you?

Why should we care about you?

I mean, really; please tell me – tell me why!

Why then the hell should we care about you?

And why then the hell?

 

(And yet somehow, still, we do care; somehow, still. Or I do, at least. And I’m glad that now you’ve read this through, and may it now stay with you, here, and remain, and last, a while, to be – as if, now, your thinking, too – your thoughts – your own. And do now be gentle, my friend – show heart; I know you can, and shall, go well.)

© Bede Nix, 20 June 2019. All rights reserved.

www.inequality.org

Here Is Where We Meet
In a spirit of confidence, trust, good faith, let’s let go. Let’s be open, free. Let’s lose ourselves a bit (as if in love). / For when you need something, there it is; and when you look for something, you find it; and when you look for this or that person, some / one / special, they find you, or you find them, if not immediately, at once, then soon. / For wherever you go, there you are, always present, saying: / Be Here Now. / And so if I, passing, meet you, and desire to speak to you, why should I not? And you to me. For you are the riddle of another world, infinitely fascinating, calling out for a deeper understanding, some sense of communion in a shared humanity, a sound in search of echo, a call that seeks response, a question, and sometimes, perhaps, an answer. Let’s both then pause and, if only for a moment, wonder about the world, together. Tell me, where do you call home? From where have you come? Where, your roots? And what your point of view? In any case, you have surely travelled far to be here now. So what now? What next? And to where? Or are you perhaps one who prefers not to know your destination, simply enjoying the sensation of being a little lost, a little adrift, afloat upon the dancing river of life … knowing that this great life energy, great life spirit, seeks not to restrain us, in any way, but lifts us up, rather, stage by stage, to wider and more open spaces … open spaces, and warm, open, faces … and faces, and faces, and faces, and so many faces, so many, many faces, and faces, facing it, and just facing it, just facing it, faces, facing, such beauty, in motion, emotion, and the motion of movement itself, moving time, flowing time, a mystery, and travelling always towards the over there, beyond, and beyond even the I, and the You, and the That, towards a kind of ecstasy, an o, an om, a ho, a hum, a hymn, a huh, a why, a who. / (Your smile brings joy) / Asking: what is your name? Who are you? / And who am I, for that matter? Who am I, to you? / (Am I only one, or one of many, perhaps, or no one?). / Of course, the thing is not so much what we call each other, or the fact that we may be mistaken and getting our names quite wrong, like calling a wrong number … no; the important thing … is rather, confidence, trust, good faith … so why not drop, then, the reins completely? … and let go, quite simply … and, letting go … letting it all go … be open, free … and as if to lose ourselves, once again, a bit, and then again, still more (as if in love) … and do then let’s smile, and say hello, establish contact, make a call, write a letter, send a message, be in touch … for in this way, we’ll share perhaps a word, and perhaps a world … / And I am glad that now our paths have crossed, for here is where we meet.

(Shorter version.)

© Bede Nix, 2017. All rights reserved.

Let's Call It A Day
Good God!

As if, a calling out; a cry – despair.

And I ask you:

Are you also one of those – we, the fortunate few, that is, with jobs, some education – and all the trimmings, flabby, fat – and all the trappings, trapped – of this, our wealthy, western, lives, and lifestyles, privileged – or so, at least, we’re taught, and told, to think – not understanding – but rather, here, like me, late leaving, yet again, again, the office – as if from want, today, again – of, well, what? – imagination, perhaps – a feeling of alternatives – and one who – day drained, thus, this way, and tired, in blinking twilight, late – walks blinkered, blindly – distracted – here – as if, here, lost, absorbed, incarcerated, quite simply, shut away – in pixilated prison cells – unthinking thought – that screen out – all – in deep down dying death desire – as if – to screen out – that, which is – the little left – of natural light – and will to find it, fight – such – that is – and so – (which way?) – (don’t know) – that – stumbling on – one simply, soulless, walks, again, along a long and lonely road, weighed down, in heavy heart – and troubled mind – to place, again, of no place – no – no one – nothing – body – empty place – there – that is – where – no heart, no spirit – soul – where even fridge and cupboards, too, seem empty, lifeless, hungry, cold – unless, that is, a bottle – drink stiff, as death – some dried out cigarettes – a shot, at least – a burning smoke – might count, perhaps, on empty stomach, still, no appetite – as if, from feeling sick of it, no longer hungry – angry – hungry – now, no more – for yet – still more – of this – this so-called – walking, road long, lonely – life – towards a place that even I myself don’t recognize as “home” – and feeling “homeless”, then, that is – with only dreams and longings – for what? – of what? – to what good purpose? – (to) – too – too – too distant, love, and laughter – now, too, far – too far away – so far away, in fact, in memory – heart, of love – a home – to make, a home – a home – that – nearer still, by far, the wish, quite frankly, to end it all at once – this walk – and that, then, meaning, that – that with each step, wondering, how – quite how – quite how to do it, now – now once, and now, for all – for that way, that method – too, too complicated – and this way’s too unsure – and this way’s way too painful, slow – like life itself – and that way’s way too bloody, violent, ugly,meaningless – and it’s messy, afterwards – when gone to ground – the floor – not nice at all, for those who find you, finally – for those – (get off the phone!) – who get the call – but still you turn it, in any case, even so – thinking-over-thinking-it – this way, and that – around, and around, your thoughts, your mind – as if you were nervously fiddling – for all you care, right then – a knife, in hand – or pulling at a rope – or checking, anxiously, again, and again, the times, for trains, to find your best connection – when to leave – when to pack your things, and go – until, unconsciously, from force of habit, exhausting, exhausted, you’re there again, unthinking, now – wherever “there” might be – or is – not nowhere nearly home – and right there, in fact, where there, your day, began – such, as if, were life – the dream – were time – the here, the now – the long ago – each moment, dying, death, somehow, a life – a universal life, in you, reborn – but thinking, lost – lost, still – and – still entirely – at a loss – entirely still – yet somehow, still, still carrying on – still carrying on – and on and on and on and on – and what a business – carry on – and round and round and round, it goes – as if, somehow, a dance.

Tomorrow, in any case, it surely starts, again – but this time, perhaps – as if – one lives in hope – anew.

(Or not?)

(As if, tomorrow, one more time, again, to ask: What now the heaven? What the hell?)

Extinguish, then, the light; turn out the day.

For that, at least – at – least – this – you can, at least – perhaps – it seems – you will – each day – still do.

(And, eyes closed, thoughts turning, quietening, again, within – you’ll see now – quiet – even – steady – still, perhaps – in this way – farther – far – far better – farther, still – in insight light lit – as if, from night, to day – and – self – surrendered – streaming light – that light – your entrance – freedom – way – at home, with you, within.)

(Mind resting.)

(Quiet.)

(Still.)

Good day.

Good night.

Good day.

Good night.

Good night, then, my love.

(I know you’re out there, somewhere, still.)

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

 

© Bede Nix, June 2019. All rights reserved.

Our Lonely Eyes, Alone, Again
[And I ask you, why then, seeming, timeless, was it there, alone, in truth, and then, that moment, long, already, gone, now – when, there, when, then – in pools, deep drowning, lonely eyes, alone, then, there, again, we were, that we – that could we – did we – if so fleetingly – seeming, seemingly – meet – in liquid, flowing, gaze, and fluid longing – there, then, together, tender, beauty, truth, in time – and all the while, our hands, our fingers – prospect, pulse, of racing heart, of breath, of chest – to touch – and lean against – enjoy – were but a fantasy – a dream, as we – as we could not, alas – alas, could not, at all, that moment then, draw near – or not, at any rate – near – or nearly – near – enough, at least – and this, as if, a question, then, too deep, too dense – and well, as if, a wall – a wall – in time, and space, time’s weeping tears, invisible – had been erected, standing, straight, and tall, impenetrable, frustrating, maddening, impossible, there, between us – force of circumstance, maybe – or loss, and failure – courage – could be, too – time’s arrow, swift, and sharp, a true betrayal, pierced in heart, heart’s piercing longing – longing, too, together, to belong – belonging – longing, being – time – that time, itself, and all that’s true, time’s truth, in truth, in each and every thing, itself, to be, betrayal – and such, then, that, that, that time, betrayed, again – time lost – in longings, oceans, deep, and wide – as if, in moon tide’s sighing cries – cries out for you, my heart, to burst, again, its banks, these walls, to flow, and overflow – flow over – oceans, me, away – a way, again – a way – once more, to you – on currents, streams, and rivers, liquid, longing – time’s embrace, dissolved – in time, united – such that, there, time’s song, together, sung, at last – love’s name – love’s many names, in thirsty time’s delight – dry lips – and speechless, tender, tongues – in words, as searching sculpted spirit sound – sound, sounding, sighing, gasping, breathless, breath – of this, our inspiration, air – from me, to you, and you, to me – my love, at last, at last, at last – at last, as if, somehow, there were there then, a destiny – to come there, then, together – wherever – where, there, then, and time, for now – to meet, in vision’s lonely, longing, eye – right here, right now; and even if, in truth, our eyes, alone, in timeless, time, can only silent, speak, this train of thought, fast-flowing night, so far, long gone, as in a dream – a distant dream – but distant dream – of home.]

© Bede Nix, 15 July 2019. All rights reserved.

Words Whispering Me, My Love, To You
Silence, still.

And here beneath the night sky.

And here beneath the night sky, gazing.

And here beneath the night sky, gazing up.

And here beneath the night sky, gazing up, I whisper.

And here beneath the night sky, gazing up, I whisper … “you”.

(My love, where are you?)

(Echo, listening.)

(Words whispering.)

(Who?)

And here beneath the night sky, gazing up, I whisper “you” …

And “me”.

And “we”.

(As if, devotions … )

And here beneath the night sky, gazing up, words, whispered, whispering, love, my love, to me – words, whispered, whispering, love – love, too – love too – love, too – my love, to you.

(Words whispering me – words whispering you.)

And so, in words, I whisper, whispered, whispering, whispering words, my love, to you; and in words, I whisper, whispered, whispering words, my love, to you; and words I whisper, whispered, whispering words, again … my love … my love … my love … again, to you.

And here beneath the night sky, gazing up, these words, I whisper, now – like this – first – naming – you – my love – then – calling out – my love – to you – mind’s eye – the moon, my muse, and only company, again, this night – this night – this night – in love – and love’s devotions – whispering, murmuring, hungering, hurting, human, heart, in whispering words, words wording, words whispering, worlds, again – of love – from love – for love – in love – to love, and love, again – in musing, heart, my love – my love, at last – forever – whenever, wherever – whoever – you.

And yet – most strange of all – this lonely night – was that – just that – and only that – that, this – again, it was – as if, in heart, in mind, I were, somehow – in wonder – and perplexity – searching, still, some clues – and more than just these tantalizing hints – these glimpses, all too brief – of beauty’s vision, fleeting – breath, of air – like sigh – like song – through which to tell, and speak, and sing – of you – and really you – of you, that is – that is, that you, who were, and really were, or are, or one day could be, still, still yet, one day, to me – unveiled, uncovered, naked, free – and – such that, here, now, clear, at last, your face, then, there, revealed – my love, as you – who I am seeking – seeking, still – still drifting on, afloat, this floating world, a dream – in dreaming, lovelorn, longing – churning, yearning – oceans, deep, and wide – and ocean’s lonely longing – there, perhaps, to find, pick out, at last – perhaps – a word, belonging – there, in line – to line of meaning – beauty – poetry – from which, reciting this, this wish, this line, these words, to hear there, then, once more, again, heart’s healing – love – desire – in burning – burning – burning, bright – this brilliant light – and blaze of colour, light, in life – red, orange, yellow, green, and blue, and white, and black – black, too, closed eyes, in sight, night sky, within – that night sky, which, in million, twinkling, lights, lit up – and lights, lit up, illuminated, sparkling, still, my starry, insight, eye – in gazing up, night sky – and night sky, gazing down, on me – as I, this inner light, my eye – and heart, and mind – and spirit, soul – myself, this night, as if, my I, transformed.

(This night, divine.)

And so it was, that, suddenly, then, I realized, then, only, this, and that’s – to stop – and simply stop – stop trying, quite, so hard – so very, very, hard – quite simply – and trying, always, too, too, much – too much, at least – in too much, trying, tension, breath-thinning, heart-cramping, body-distorting, brow-knotted, effort – too much effort, still, by far – and too nervous, anxious, forced, by far, and foolish, too – and better, simply, then, instead, to drop, rather, the reins, completely – exhausted mind, entirely – deceptive, deceitful, delusional – falsely knowing – of control – and then, instead, and fully – absolutely – in faith, in you, alone – and only – trust – bow down – surrender, silently – simply – so – such that, then, perhaps, I could – and even me – could I, again, still play, one day, this role –  devoted servant – patiently, impatiently – waiting, waiting, waiting – awaiting words – in wonder, wondering, in wondering – signs, and signals – messages, mysterious, yes – yet somehow, mysteriously, meaningful, still – and – still listening, and sometimes hearing, too – to start, once more, again, anew, in hearing, words, here rising, arising, rising up, and sounded out, and sung, from heart, my love, my love, to heart – too generous heart – to hearts, betrayed – heart lost, in love, my love, for you – glimpse, fleeting – mistress, inspiration, muse – to be, to you, again, a poet – heart simple, so – heart hopelessly alone – heart true.

And here beneath the night sky, gazing up, these words, I whisper, now – like this – first – naming – you – my love – then – calling out – my love – to you – mind’s eye – the moon, my muse, and only company, again, this night – this night – this night – in love – and love’s devotions – whispering, murmuring, humming, human, hungering, hurting, heart, in whispering words, words wording, words whispering, worlds, again – in love – of love – for love – to love – in musing, heart, my love – my love – forever – whenever, wherever – whoever – you.

And so, in words, I whisper, whispered, whispering, whispering words, my love, to you; I whisper whispered whispering words … to you.

(Words whispering me, my love – words whispering you.)

And here beneath the night sky, gazing up, words, whispered, whispering, love, to me – words, whispered, whispering, love, too – love too – love, too – my love, to you.

(As if, devotions … )

We.

Me.

You.

(Who, then?)

(Words whispering.)

(Words whispering.)

(Words whispering.)

(Echo, listening.)

(My love, where are you?)

And here beneath the night sky, gazing up, I whisper … “you”.

And here beneath the night sky, gazing up, I whisper.

And here beneath the night sky, gazing up.

And here beneath the night sky, gazing.

And here beneath the night sky.

Silence, still.

© Bede Nix, 16 July 2019. All rights reserved.

In You, Yourself, Your Heart, Is Home - In House of Bright Being Body Light
(My friend – dear friend.) (Is there anything that you need from me?) (Anything I can do for you?) (Just a word, could simply be – it – maybe?) (And do, please, tell it – say it – speak it – be it.) (Wild) (And natural) (Naturally) (Free) (For simply, easily, freely, spoken, then, as this – which, what, when, why, and who, this word – this word – this word, in you, from you, of you, to you, by you, for you, yourself – in fullness – your – potential – simply – being, be, would be, from seeming me, for you, the right word, then – right word, right time – right time – right time, right word – for you, you are – and this word, then, the most, then, magical, word, that is, that is, this moment, word, in world, of worlds, of words, of time – and time, inspiring, words – to inspire (now) and to encourage (now) – you – again –  to grow (now) into (becoming) this (now) this you, and that, this you, your greatest, most brilliant, most beautiful, most wonderful, most extraordinary, most expressive, most creative, most realized, most luminous – (being) – (I) – in (brightness) being (body) (house) of (body) (being) light – of you – you are – as yet, still yet – to being, still, to come, still – still, you are – to come, to be – and which, what, when, why, who – you – who you, your word – in naming, calling out – your name – is really, really, really, really you, then – then, as really you, you think, as you, yourself, you are, to be?) (And which word, then, is you?) (And which word not then we?) (Or me?) (But then, in fact, you know full well the answer, now, already – which, what, when, why, who – know, now – no, now – (in time) – now, don’t you – don’t you – don’t you – or – do – you – yes – and yes, and yes, indeed, do you – for – yes, you do – as if, therefore, by way of answer, here – for here, there, then, you are, again – you simply are – you’re simply you!) (?) (But let me now give you, then, and if you please, a little clue, now, even so – in case, that is, you don’t yet think you know, that is – or if you’ve just – perhaps, maybe – again, forgotten it.) (Which word, that is, dear friend?) (Which word?) (Which word, that is?) (Which word, dear friend, is that?) (Dear friend, the word, that is, that’s wording you, is this, is simply this, is “YOU”.) (My friend.) (The word, that is, is YOU.) (Now sound it out, brave heart and true.) (Be you.)

© Bede Nix, 17 July 2019. All rights reserved.

World Wondering Why
No seeming sense, the world, wondering, why, to me, where here, alone, I stand.

And I wonder, too; I wonder too, too much, and how.

And I wonder – wonder – wonder – I, and –

Standing – here – alone.

I wonder if I could.

I wonder – if – I – could – just – end – it – now.

And:

I wonder – if I could – if I would – just – end – it – now.

And:

I wonder – if I could – and if I would – then, would I, really, then – just – end – it – now?

And:

I wonder if.

I wonder if I could.

I wonder if I could just end it.

Now.

(No seeming sense, the world, wondering, why, to me, where here, alone, I am.)

And so I wonder if I could just end it – now.

(Now.)

And now just end it.

Just end it.

Just end it.

Just end it.

(No seeming sense, the world, wondering, why, to me, where here, alone.)

And I wonder, then, if, really, I will; or when, indeed, I could, or shall.

And end – beginning – wonder – now.

© Bede Nix, 25 July 2019. All rights reserved.

Lonely Tears
It’s late, I know; too late, I fear, perhaps.

Looking up, my clouded eye, in storm, sky darkens, dense, descends.

My thoughts again turn back, turn black.

Memories, too, this sky black cloaked, and shrouded, swathe, and bury me, like so much bruised bloody broken body, rock, and rubble, ruined, dry, and thirsty, thin-cracked, rubbed raw, scabrous, rotten skin, and flesh, and fight, to bone, and tooth, and nail, for this – our fruitless, naked, bare, and barren earth, bathed grimy grey in sooty ash, and heave of sigh, exhausted, dying, here, to fall, to death, upon, and sound some splurt of spat out, splattered, spluttering, stuttering, voice, the dust, and dirt, of droning on, and on, life’s song, in blood ballooning, blown up, grown up, gurgling, thought bubbles, bursting, borne, surrendering – on blooms of wilding poetry, to the winds – crying out, to me, this night – the sky.

I clench my fists, as if in pain – then shake them in the air.

The gesture’s puny, pathetic, pointless – tiny, small – for – open, or closed – these hands – against this mighty sky – they’re no defence, at any rate, at all.

And, for all the talk of poetry, the sky, even so, lashes out in stinging rage at me – white laser burning blinding light upon the eye; light’s heartbeat blink, then sudden ear-cracking, shrieking, screeching, screaming, split-sounding sky, sky roars, hollers, bellows, yells, as if, to skin me, shouting, out, in whipped up, whirlwind, storm, tempestuous, righteousness, indignation, intimidation, incrimination, guilt, judgment, condemnation, sin, and scandal, scorn.

Yes, yes, say I; I am.

And so –

Unholy, vengeful, God of Sky – I cry, in echo, sound, blaspheming – or else is it, perhaps – heart’s tender ear – I hear – the sound of parents, desperate, frustrated, angry, menacing – too tired, untethered – fear – or else an elder sibling, bullying, schoolmate, gangland, moping, griping, groping, grouping, tribal, trooping, marching, shouting, shooting – in shots, sharp, of twisted, distorted, tortured, torturing tyrant’s tongue blades, terror, cruel, to cut me down, me down, cut down, again – again – again – closed eyes, to shrinking, mini, size – just bleeding, breathing – unbreathing – breathing, bleeding, just – in breathless, darkness, scare-silenced, dwelling, small – as if, I am, not now, I am, no more – and not existing, even – in, within – this blind, unseeing, eye – invisible – or were I, here, or am, as if – in screaming silence – now, at once – like this, the night, to die.

And, even so, what have I done, defiantly – I – I, whispering, whimper, cry – and why?

Why hurt me, bloody, lonely, so?

I do not understand.

I do not know.

But suffering is the breath of life, or so the new born screams, it seems – my beating heart.

And so then it is, that, heart beating, battered, bruised, abandoned, lonely, and alone, I crawl back, darkness, beaten, here, in heart, my lonely heart, my heart, to dwell – last hope of comfort, shelter, care – for warm heart, there, I think, there was­ – was once – if is not now – only empty shell of sorry self –all that’s left – deserted, empty, cavern – cold, as death.

And here again it’s raining in my heart now.

It’s raining in my heart, black night; and black night, crying out – in ashen tears.

And black heart crying, raining, lonely.

Raining, lonely.

Raining, lonely.

And here again it’s raining in my heart now – those lonely raining night time hearts of tears – those lonely raining night time hearts of tears – those lonely raining night time hearts of tears – lonely nights and lonely hearts of lonely tears – and all those lonely years – those lonely tears.

What choice then have I now?

And so I cling now, falling – thinning, cracking, crumbling – walls cut skin, dark cave of heart – in pressed up, pitilessly, compassion, close – against you, dear, once dear, so dear, in time – time, against me – drum dizzy, deafening, rainfall, falling – heartbeat hard of hearing, carefully listening.

And when then will the rain wash clean away the pain, and lonely tears, I ask – or me?

© Bede Nix, 19 August 2019. All rights reserved.

Footsteps Raining In My Heart
It’s late, I know; too late, I fear, perhaps.

Looking up, my clouded eye, in storm, sky darkens, dense, descends.

My thoughts again turn back, turn black.

Memories, too, this sky black cloaked, and shrouded, swathe, and bury me, like so much bruised bloody broken body, rock, and rubble, ruined, dry, and thirsty, thin-cracked, rubbed raw, scabrous, rotten skin, and flesh, and fight, to bone, and tooth, and nail, for this – our fruitless, naked, bare, and barren earth, bathed grimy grey in sooty ash, and heave of sigh, exhausted, dying, here, to fall, to death, upon, and sound some splurt of spat out, splattered, spluttering, stuttering, voice, the dust, and dirt, of droning on, and on, life’s song, in blood ballooning, blown up, grown up, gurgling, thought bubbles, bursting, borne, surrendering – on blooms of wilding poetry, to the winds – crying out, to me, this night – the sky.

I clench my fists, as if in pain – then shake them in the air.

The gesture’s puny, pathetic, pointless – tiny, small – for – open, or closed – these hands – against this mighty sky – they’re no defence, at any rate, at all.

And, for all the talk of poetry, the sky, even so, lashes out in stinging rage at me – white laser burning blinding light upon the eye; light’s heartbeat blink, then sudden ear-cracking, shrieking, screeching, screaming, split-sounding sky, sky roars, hollers, bellows, yells, as if, to skin me, shouting, out, in whipped up, whirlwind, storm, tempestuous, righteousness, indignation, intimidation, incrimination, guilt, judgment, condemnation, sin, and scandal, scorn.

Yes, yes, say I; I am.

And so –

Unholy, vengeful, God of Sky – I cry, in echo, sound, blaspheming – or else is it, perhaps – heart’s tender ear – I hear – the sound of parents, desperate, frustrated, angry, menacing – too tired, untethered – fear – or else an elder sibling, bullying, schoolmate, gangland, moping, griping, groping, grouping, tribal, trooping, marching, shouting, shooting – in shots, sharp, of twisted, distorted, tortured, torturing tyrant’s tongue blades, terror, cruel, to cut me down, me down, cut down, again – again – again – closed eyes, to shrinking, mini, size – just bleeding, breathing – unbreathing – breathing, bleeding, just – in breathless, darkness, scare-silenced, dwelling, small – as if, I am, not now, I am, no more – and not existing, even – in, within – this blind, unseeing, eye – invisible – or were I, here, or am, as if – in screaming silence – now, at once – like this, the night, to die.

And, even so, what have I done, defiantly – I – I, whispering, whimper, cry – and why?

Why hurt me, bloody, lonely, so?

I do not understand.

I do not know.

But suffering is the breath of life, or so the new born screams, it seems – my beating heart.

And so then it is, that, heart beating, battered, bruised, abandoned, lonely, and alone, I crawl back, darkness, beaten, here, in heart, my lonely heart, my heart, to dwell – last hope of comfort, shelter, care – for warm heart, there, I think, there was­ – was once – if is not now – only empty shell of sorry self –all that’s left – deserted, empty, cavern – cold, as death.

And here again it’s raining in my heart now.

It’s raining in my heart, black night; and black night, crying out – in ashen tears.

And black heart crying, raining, lonely.

Raining, lonely.

Raining, lonely.

And here again it’s raining in my heart now – those lonely raining night time hearts of tears – those lonely raining night time hearts of tears – those lonely raining night time hearts of tears – lonely nights and lonely hearts of lonely tears – and all those lonely years – those lonely tears.

What choice then have I now?

And so I cling now, falling – thinning, cracking, crumbling – walls cut skin, dark cave of heart – in pressed up, pitilessly, compassion, close – against you, dear, once dear, so dear, in time – time, against me – drum dizzy, deafening, rainfall, falling – heartbeat hard of hearing, carefully listening.

And when then will the rain wash clean away the pain, I ask – or me?

And this, the night, my heart, the storm, the answer.

And this, the night, my heart, the storm, at first, the answer.

And this, at first, night storm, the answer.

(My heart.)

And beat of heartbeat, heavy, raining down; and raining down; and raining down; and down; and down; and down.

Until, that is, eyes closed – closed seeing still – closed still, heart still, a sudden, startling, unexpected, inner, gentle, light, and sight, flowing now fresh, and new, from black, brown, verdant, fertile, dewy, green, to spirits lifting sunlight yellow, ocean sky, of becoming, being, blue, and heart opening, bleeding, red, and human, still, as if this heart, my heart, this heart, alive, again, again, again, in flame, on fire, alive.

Heartbeat.

Breathing.

Heartbeat.

Breathing.

Heartbeat.

Down.

And beat of heartbeat raining down.

And beat of heartbeat gently raining gently down.

And slow, calm, beat of gentle heartbeat gently raining – footsteps – gently – pitter – patter – down.

And suddenly – so suddenly – and just as suddenly as it came – the storm has passed, it seems, to new day’s spirit sky, in tears of joy, at last, my soul, in love, again, to blossom, be – for love, in love, be love, you are – you are, again – in love, as one – from parents – family – living – ever – on – from generation – generation – generations – ancestors – as if, from you, you too, me too, we too, as if, forever – here, and now, in you, in me – youth’s spring and summer memories, retained, restored, returned, reformed – for you’ve faced down now – forgiven – all those caught up, tangled, traumas – memories – ghosts of trauma, ghosts of memory – dim – in sands of running time – in running sands – in time; and now, my friend, you too, as if, in time, as if, blown backwards, running backwards, now, away, from all this dimming darkness done – to run now, too, yes you, yourself, run too – run, swift, of foot, away – run, run, away – run on – for it’s not at all sure, for sure, too late – no, never, too late – to turn a page – set out anew, you see – so run, run off, run on – be on your way – our story – father, mother – daughter, son – new life, my child – be spirt, joyful, free, and light – as if in dance, in play – in time, of all eternity..

© Bede Nix, 19 August 2019. All rights reserved.

(Sitting with my parents in conversation, curiously.)

My Perfect Friend
In the end is my beginning – and in the beginning, mystery, inexhaustible, my end; one cannot find a moment’s rest, or peace.

And so then there it is.

And so then there we pass our lives in search of, longing, well, for … well, for what? … well … well, for … this, I guess, just this – to love, love’s mystery, mystery, this – in this, this so, so perfect friend, seeming always so elusive, out of reach, in sight, if always, spirit, still, perhaps, so near, so dear.

And so … so, perfect friend … I search you out, but … upon this earth … where are you, then?

And so I asked, in question, over, and over, again, and again.

Great longing, lonely; life looking on.

And I’m growing old, you know; my eyes tear up and my heart grows weak; I almost tire of always seeking you.

So come please, show me, if, you are, and, if, you are, then, tell me, who?

I yearn for you.

I yearn for you.

I yearn for you.

And then, there, suddenly, tired eyes now closing, closed, in inner sight, sun’s sunlight bright rippling reflection, face, now, river’s time, so suddenly, he, so suddenly, appears, this friend, he’s here! – or so, at least, it seemed to me, I thought; and so, indeed, I thought I saw him, seeming, then, that morning, day, so gorgeous, clear.

And so, so very warm, and kind, and gentle, generous, he was.

And behind him, seeming, timeless, then, in contemplation, mindful, there, flowed out, as if, from him, such stillness, body, lake, in tranquil, splendid, sea blue ocean sky, and bright, brilliant, blinking, sun, sun’s morning, magnificent, radiant, vision, eye.

And this, in all life’s travels, body, light, but fine, and intricate, reflection, mirrored, mirror, mirroring, here, a sky, in mind, a heart, as true, as yours, was seeming polished perfect then; and this no longer merely only I or he, at last, I saw, I see, but somehow, surely, also, also, You, now, You, You, too, as You, you are, to me, I thought, I thought, in broken, healing, heart, somehow, and you, you too, to You, I wished, and wished I could, and wished, was I, my perfect Friend, I thought, in time, one perfect day, perhaps, to be, perhaps, together, we.

© Bede Nix, 19 September 2019. All rights reserved.

In Calligraphy, Dancing Letters, Falling Tears
And this alone –
alone –
alone, then,
seeming, so,
as spirit,
soul,
in silence,
silence,
soul,
as spirit,
searching,
searching,
still,
but deaf,
and deaf now, seemingly,
deathly, quiet,
and fearing, thin,
and yet, as if,
now not,
not quite, quite still,
as if,
not yet,
in this,
in this,
in this, the end, to my despair,
despairing, not,
and now,
not now, not yet,
the night,
the final night,
in quiet, rather, still,
and courage, resolute,
still not, yet,
still,
remaining,
restless,
heart,
here, now,
in this, this being, going, ever, on
as if, forever, never, done now,
done
with
i
i am,
as no one,
and nobody, now,
but
me
and
you
to
looking, listening, longing,
language, calling –
calling –
calling –
calling me, now,
calling, you,
or you, here, calling, me,
her, him,
he, she,
to where, then, there, together, they,
somehow, seeming,
were
to, be,
as we, free,
maybe, me,
I, too
to once, once, more, again, in dark night’s seeming blindness, sensing, seeing, sees, sight, seen, unseen, from in, within, to inner seeing’s light, far-seeing sight, far-sighted intuition’s impatient, patient, impulse, sighing, sighed,
away, again,
once more,
in this,
in this, recalling
breath breathing spiralling spirit circles,
inhaling, in,
in breath, exhaling, out, out
gone,
gone,
going, wanting, waiting, longing, lonely, and alone,
alone – alone – alone
to
one
as
still
not
knowing, still unknowing, knowing, no one,
one,
to there, where, even silence, singing, sound, was seated, heated, still, aground, in fire of ignorance,
bright, burning, blind
i see
to see
no more
no
one
who
knowing
nothing
but
illiterate, uncomprehending, unknowing,
darkness, breathing,
stealthy quiet,
the doubt,
in writing out now, right, away,
this mirror’s beauty, beloved, mistress, master, mine,
in this, these, letters, words, and lines, becoming,
perfect, polished,
diamond, brilliant, dazzling, mind,
now
in calligraphy’s loving lines, to here
reach out, as if,
as if,
to dance, describe, right here, upon, a page,
in arms outstretched, and hand
to heart’s life’s lines
in opening
eyes, to see,
of these, your fears
no
more
fear’s anxious face, of faces, facing, now,
in this, our language, learning,
lines, letters, gently stroked,
in ink now flowing
flowing
on
in
flowing, tearful, forgiven, stroke,
so that,
from tearful thought’s thick textured tapestry,
turn now your cheek, my friend,
my love,
to be here only this,
dark inky threads, of thread torn, thread worn, poetry,
patterning, pulsing, rhythm, rhyming, reading, writing,
all that matters, words, in vision, tired, and starry, fiery, hot,
eye’s gaze of galaxies,
and children, laughing, crying,
dancers, dancing,
lovers, loving,
fathers, mothers,
mysteries, marvellous, and marvelling,
here, from this,
your heaven’s contours,
celestial mind,
caressing,
dome, divine, of boundless sky,
in dancing letters, words,
of poetry, perhaps,
or simple songs
of love, a tune,
to sacred geometry,
all
along,
and through,
within,
upon
you
time
time telling tongue,
tongue telling,
touch, divine,
the tears, the years,
the sadness, struggle, joy, confusion, pain, and suffering, sighing, heaven’s journey,
why,
why
words,
well bloody dipped,
depth’s dark,
here, heart,
in hearing, inspiration, fall,
and falling, hearing,
inspiration’s tears,
aground,
wet fecund earth, moist,
welling, up, my eye, the sky, to you,
to you
to you
for whom
this I
I
I cry out,
why, why
why
why, again, again, again,
and why, I cry, once more, again,
i cry again,
i cry again,
i cry again, from sky, still stirring, occurring, this
this heartbeat, beating, hearing
sound of
rainfall,
music, mind,
in soul, my love,
my love,
my love,
alone then seeming this, no more, but this,
in one perfection, love, now,
this moment, floods of tears,
you are, indeed,
rain’s blessings, bliss.

(Learning To Write – If Beautifully, If Well, I Do Not Know – In Calligraphy, Dancing Letters, Falling Tears – Thinking Only, Lonely, This, Perhaps – To Cleanse, Confused, My Inky Heart, Poured, Worded, Written, Bloody, Bitter, Out, Once More, Again – Once More, Alone – Upon, This Burned and Blackened Earth Beneath My Feet, My Soul, But Breeze of Breath, As If, The Sky, An Empty Page, Of Text, Unwritten, Still, Unwritten, Now, As Yet)

© Bede Nix, 3 October 2019. All rights reserved.

Kind Eye, and Gentle Glance – A Glimpse of Human Heart, A Home

And do you; do you see?

And do you see the kindness?

And do you see the kindness in my eye?

– Look again.

And do you see now the kindness dwelling gently in my eye?

– Now look again.

And do you not now see the kindness now dwelling gently in my eye?

– Now look, then, again; then look again, again.

The kindness dwelling gently in my eye …

– Look again.

And do you see now the kindness dwelling gently in my eye?

– Now look; now look, again.

Do you see the kindness in my eye?

Do you see the kindness?

The kindness.

Kindness, that, you see.

And do you see?

So

Look to me.
Look to me.
And look to me, again, as here, no more a stranger, passer-by.
But look to me, here, now, rather, as I, glance, kindly, gently, look, to you.
And call me friend.

Do you see?

The kindness in my eye, my friend.

– Now look again.

Do you see?

And now, then, do you, seeing, see, now, then, the kindness, dwelling gently, here, then, now, within, within, within – within?

(Within me.)

And do you now see?
And understand, now, who I am?

(To you.)

For

I am but a mirror, now, my friend, quite simply, simply understanding, gently, you.

And see me, now, as I do – mirror’s reflective, reflecting, eye; and I see you now so well.

See me – now – see you.

See you.
See you.
See you.

See me.

Now, as I do.

Dear human face, warm welcome, seeing, being, well – my glance, my gaze, my open, smiling heart – a place, hospitable, of welcome shelter – hearth, and home; that is, relax, then, here, and now, my friend; rest your eyes, be well.

© Bede Nix, 11 October 2019. All rights reserved.

Calling Out, The Sky

Close gently your eyes, breathe quietly, and quietly listen.
And, listening,
Listen, here,
To hear me, now,
Within.
For I am there, in that,
The silence, which,
Silence, listening,
You hear now, breathing,
Breathing, gently, in,
Within the quietest, the very quietest, of places,
Quiet heart,
And  quiet, breathing, open, mind, now,
Quietening,
Still,
And,
In the gentle whispering of the breeze,
Sway of branches,
Rustling leaves,
And call of sky,
And sky bird, lifting up, in silent flight, its wings,
To light of eye, in stars, from
Journey’s night,
Migrations,
And
From seeming so far off,
To nearly nearing home, now, here, once more, again,
Illumination,
Human,
Heart, and
Mind,
And me,
To sit, and dwell, in starry silence, spirit, space, within,
Where, quietly,
Here,
I
Find
My
Ground of being,
Quietness, patience, there,
Awaiting, me, myself,
In filtered light,
Extended time,
Once more, again,
This seeming Universe,
So silent, still,
And vast,
As
You.

© Bede Nix, 13 October 2019. All rights reserved.